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SusanR posted 12/14/2013 00:19 AM

My husband received the separation agreement last Friday with an anticipated start date of 1/1/14. So, tonight I picked up our granddaughter at his house and he weighs in with how surprised he is that I am moving forward with this and how much he doesn't want a separation. Although he agreed to it in lieu of a divorce action last April. He says he has been going to counseling, although he hates it, is a changed man and only wants us to be back together.

He said that, if I can never trust him again, I should tell him now, and we should just get a divorce.

Am I wrong, or is this a "backed into the corner" response. It is now just really getting painful for him and he is balking at what we agreed to?

I don't know if I can ever trust him again and he doesn't seem to be willing to let me take the time to figure that out.

Help! I am feeling weak and conflicted.

momentintime posted 12/14/2013 00:40 AM

Call his bluff, "Well, sweetie, if you think D is the way to go, I can make that happen". He might have a heart attack with that response. He did this. If you want the separation so you can get your life back so be it. If he doesn't like that and suggests D as a means to bring you back in line, just agree that might be a solution.

ruby44 posted 12/14/2013 06:40 AM

Isn't trust his issue. And really if you can ever trust him is not anything you can answer, right now. Trust is earned not given, right? What is he doing to earn that trust? Counseling is a good start, but the fact that he hates it is a red flag to me.
Be strong and stay the course what matters is you not him. If he is a changed man he would not be bullying you.

Gemini71 posted 12/14/2013 06:41 AM

Yes, he is trying to manipulate you. Do whatever YOU feel comfortable doing. If he wants a divorce, let HIM file for it.

Thefly559 posted 12/14/2013 07:10 AM

Total manipulation in my opinion. Do not fall for it please

Brandon808 posted 12/14/2013 07:14 AM

he doesn't seem to be willing to let me take the time to figure that out
There is your answer right there. He does not want R. He simply does not want D. He wants to keep the M going but on his terms.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 7:15 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/14/2013 07:58 AM

Ohhhhhh boy. There is so much going on here.


First, it sounds like he didn't get the memo about him no longer being in charge?

Let's talk about a few things here:

1. Black and white thinking. Is it healthy or helpful in this situation?

"If you can never trust me again, we should just get a divorce."

(Either, or. Black, white. Decide. Are you going to trust me again or not?)

The answer: you don't know, yet. Unfortunately for him ,based on what HE did, he will not know the answer to that question for some time. This is one of the reasons for the separation. Is this a confusing concept, the concept that he cannot demand to know if you will be able to trust him again? (Analogy. I shoot you in the leg. It hurts like hell. As you're bleeding, I demand to know if you will ever forgive me. ) but, you can shoes to give him HOPE. "I have the capacity to trust again, if I determine you are worthy of my trust, AGAIN."
***************************************************

"I'm a changed man."

I was "x". Now I am "y". It's done. I'm cured. Sick. Now well. bad. Now good. Black. white. .........Really. You changed from what to what? Who decided you were changed? Do I get a vote? How much time do I get to decide? Are you planning to continue your iC, or are you fully squared away now? Can I meet with your IC? What new actions have you taken?
I'm guessing it's a bit more like this. "Honey. You have changed in some good ways. That's to your credit. So, there's really no need to stop that train of positive change, now is there .

2. Separation. Just because you are separated it doesn't mean that you and he can't see each other, or talk, or even grow together. It keeps the door of hope open, unlike Divorce. Divorce pretty we'll closes that door, practically speaking.

3. Backed into a corner response? It looks more like a "reality" sinking in response. Consequences are now becoming real, visible and painful. It's like my kids (age 4 and 7) when I tell them, "ok. That's it. I've warned you. No ice cream tonight." What do they say, "give us one more chance." Consequences are a bitch.

4. Calling his bluff about filing for divorce. I'd stay away from this. I'd state clearly what YOU want. He is a grown man and it doesn't even need to be stated that he can do what he wants.


In many posts I read on SI, I see the need for D. In your post, I see HOPE for a happier ending. Merry Christmas.

SBB posted 12/14/2013 19:13 PM

There is your answer right there. He does not want R. He simply does not want D. He wants to keep the M going but on his terms.

^^THIS. This. A thousand times this.

All through False R I insisted on S for one year after we sold the house. I needed a re-start, a reboot. I thought we could re-start the M that way. He begged, pleaded, wailed, raged. Someone here (I think it was NIK?) once said "the wailing and rendering of garments is because they don't want things to change". Its not remorse, its regret for themselves.

You are closing the bakery. He can no longer cake-eat. This is what he is really fighting for.

((SusanR)) Don't fall for these rancid crumbs.

You'd think it was a lot harder to push past your integrity, morals, vows and sense of decency to have an affair than it would be to do the work required for R but unfortunately it isn't. Pushing the big red button on the M seems easy, disaster recovery not so easy.

SusanR posted 12/15/2013 04:59 AM

@sbb

This hit home:

You'd think it was a lot harder to push past your integrity, morals, vows and sense of decency to have an affair than it would be to do the work required for R but unfortunately it isn't. Pushing the big red button on the M seems easy, disaster recovery not so easy.

I have to remember the lengths he went through to conduct his affair for 5 years and be willing to expect that kind of effort ti repair this!

Thanks everyone for rpthe replies! They really help.

jemimapd posted 12/15/2013 06:02 AM

It is a source of huge sadness to me that my husband did not put in the work for reconciliation. I could get past the affairs if he could take a hard look at why they happened. He would not do that.

I have experienced all that you describe: dramatic ultimatums; declarations of how he has changed; promises that it would never happen again; how the people around me did not have my best interests at heart: how big a mistake divorce would be....

But he had not changed. It is about what the WS does, not what they say. Judge his actions. You don't have to make a decision right now.

KJac posted 12/15/2013 09:25 AM

No advice, just my experience...

After DDay#4 in August I kicked him out. Couple of days of his anger then right into false R. He would "fix" this, again. Quit drinking, TOLD me NC w/any OWs, lots of false promises, started IC.

I stuck to my boundaries for the first time ever. Instead of seeing positive changes he seemed to eventually get angrier. Convinced me in late October to go to MC (I was doing my own IC) and then blindsided me, my IC, and his IC w/"this is pointless, I think I'm done" - I got "its been 74 days and she won't let me back in the house" I don't want to hurt her anymore, etc. It was like somebody hit me w/a 2x4. It was/is/and always has been completely about him. Never about me, my healing, my needs. Never about "us" cause there never was/could be an "us" when it's all about him.

After that there was a couple of weeks where he occasionally wanted to "talk" about it - we're not getting a D, etc. blah blah blah. Then he blindsided me w/divorce papers SERVED ON ME.

It took exactly ONE DAY for his texts to turn from I love you and miss you to cold detachment.

Eventually I stumbled across a bank statement w/hotel room charges from the month prior to MC. I was right to not be sucked back in. I knew in my gut. Please DO NOT let him push you in any direction you are not ready to go. I truly believe at some level we all know what we know and will acknowledge it when we're ready. If you feel "stuck" - it's for a reason.

Ultimately, for my STBX it was simply a matter of control - of him needing to stay in control - and when I wouldn't play anymore - BOOM.

This sucks, it hurts - but at least I'm away from the constant manipulations and powerplays.

(((SusanR)))

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