SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 02:12 AM

I left my BS at a bar, she said she needed "space" after I acted jealous. Well, its 3am and shes not home, her car is at the bar. Things have been good between us lately, tough but it's the real work that had started. I am going to have a really hard time getting over this and moving forward. Any support would be much appreciated.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 06:05 AM

Ok so she came home at 5:30am and said she slept it off at a friend's house and set her alarm to come home after she slept it off. She was very sorry, and I do believe her. She said she just didnt want to deal with the "shit", and its something she needs to work out. I was happy and then mad as shit when she walked in. I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling. Wouldnt answer texts or calls. I left to try to sort out my anger and get in touch with the primary emotion. Can anyone offer insight? I feel like she wants me to go away.

heartbrokeninaz posted 12/14/2013 06:44 AM

As a BS I think she just needs exactly what she said, a time to not think about all of this. It may not be the best way to go about it, but if she needs a break let her be. Maybe just being around you was triggering her last night. Do your best and be there if she needs you. It is hard to explain how many thoughts a day we have about the A. Just call it mindshattering. At least in my case. I can just be taking a shower and it just pops into my head. Sometimes we just need a little quiet, and to turn that little switch off in our head.

astudentoflife posted 12/14/2013 07:06 AM

Hi nevergiveup10.

I started a response to your post and then I thought I should do a little background and read over your previous posts.

Gently, you have hurt your wife to a great extent. The affair was with someone she knew and possibly even became friends with. That is even more stuff you handed her that is hard to deal with.

I read about your wife dating, AFTER she made it clear to you that you two were no longer together. People have different views on this site about things like that. My view is your wife was honest, above board and it did not constitute an affair.

Your wife is in a very bad place and trying to figure out what she wants. You blew up the marriage and want and need forgiveness and probably want her in your life again. She is in a different space. To be honest she was probably angry that you said you were jealous after only a few months of finding out about your affair. She had kept her integrity and you had not. How would you have felt in her shoes?

Here are some suggestions that I hope help.
Don't go to bars with your wife. Not yet, give that one time. Drinking can cause difficulty in R.

Realize that you blew up the marriage. You told your wife with your affair that you were not comitted. She told you she was going to date and did. She did not leave you in the dark about that. It is her decision to R with you, no matter how long that takes. Of course you can have your limit too and choose not to wait it out.

You need to work on you and you alone. You need to become a man of integrity once again. I'm sorry you are still a baby as far as R goes. Mine has been going on 5 years and it would have been shorter had I worried about myself only and not been so pigheaded.

Work on yourself. Understand that your wife no longer considers you two married. Either accept that or leave quite honestly. Your wife is being honest with you, which is a huge thing. She has told you that she is having a hard time with coming to grips with your actions.

There is an old saying to let something go and if it comes back to you, you know it is love. Sometimes love is unrequited. Your wife does not need to love you again. That will be a gift if at some time she feels that you have earned her love back.

Gosh, it really must be hard to be in your position. My wife never dated anyone and has been here the entire time. I was so far above lucky I can't imagine. Become the person that your wife married once again. If she dates, let it go and don't focus on her life. Tell her that you want to be exclusive, like married people. Tell her that you find it difficult to see her date. Let her tell you where her mind is at and what she wants. Leave it at that. If she continues to date, move on with your own life and grow. If you wan't her back, DO NOT reciprocate with dating as well.

You can't compel your wife back to the marriage. You CAN become that attractive, good man that she married. You CAN attract her back by being that person, or at least you will have regained your integrity and will be ready for the next relationship in the future.

I hope I haven't sounded like I am against you. We here all know the damage our actions have taken on our marriages. It is tough to think we might very well have destroyed our relationships with no way to come back. My best wishes for you and your wife. I hope you get what you want, but that is only going to come if you work very very hard on yourself and can weather the bumps in the long road ahead of you.

OK now posted 12/14/2013 07:10 AM

It sounds as if you are expecting her to engage in a revenge affair some time in the near future. There is little you can do about that and you don't really know where she was last night either. All you can do is be remorseful and keep your dignity by not being jealous and controlling. Carry on with the promising reconciliation, but you might establish boundaries by telling your BW that any revenge cheating will severely damage the rebuilding process. Then its up to her.

Really should learn to read your other posts before contributing!

I see you are already separated and working hard to get back together. You have done an excellent job of devoted reconciliation, and your wife must be aware that she needs to acknowledge progress if you are not to lose heart and give up.
You had a strong marriage and your adultery must have been like a veritable knife to the heart. Carry on with your efforts to mend your marriage; your wife seems to be responding positively.

Your separation from your children can't be good for them. With that in mind I suggest this separation needs to end soon and further reconciliation should proceed in situ.

[This message edited by OK now at 7:30 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 07:53 AM

I really appreciate the feedback, and it helps to humble me. This was after my company Xmas party, we typically don't go to bars together right now. The thing that doesn't make sense is she was dating someone but ended it recently because she had decided she wanted to be with me and not just have her family back together. We have been communicating very well and become close again over the last month or so. We call each other best friends now, and growing back from there. She has been opening her life again to me. She has told me she has seen many positive changes in me, I have put a lot work into myself with IC and it was paying off. This would have made sense a couple months ago but I was really surprised by this.

I know I completely devastated her with my affair and will have to eat a lot of crow for a very long time. Why this is different is it happened once before and she promised it would never happen again. I don't want to lose my trust in her, I'm trying to have compassion but at the same time have respect for myself. I'm learning its a fine line.

astudentoflife posted 12/14/2013 08:06 AM

Why this is different is it happened once before and she promised it would never happen again.

What does this mean nevergiveup? Disappearing for a time or dating someone else? Did she tell you that she is wanting to be together again and work at R?

I give BS a lot of leeway. However, you have a right to know the answer to if you are having a relationship or not. The answer can be, no, I don't know or yes. You have the right to determine your own path.

It sounds as if you wife is so very confused at this point in time. Talk to her and in a respectful way tell her about your feelings. Come to an agreement, even if that is your wife does not know what she wants right now and accept it. Work with that and remember to keep you integrity no matter what.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 10:03 AM

Once before she asked me to watch the kids so she could go to a work function. She said she would be home at about 7:30 -8:00. An hour pass the time, I called as I actually had to be somewhere. She admitted she was at a bar with a couple freinds and would leave very soon. She showed up at 2:30am...

I give her a lot of leeway as its deserved, but I feel if I accept this heavior more than once I will lose repspect for myself. I feel like her intent is to hurt me and make me give up but everthing she says is to the contrary.

scream posted 12/14/2013 10:30 AM

I wish I had some advice for you. I can't really offer anything. Be strong in yourself. That's about as good as it gets. And I know for a fact that its easier said than done. Slow yourself down and think things through for yourself. You can't control what happens. Just who you are and what you want for yourself.

I'm wishing you the best and strength to be happy.

astudentoflife posted 12/14/2013 10:30 AM

I believe your wife is not sure of what she wants and needs. An understandable position IMHO.

I think you need to decide if you are ready to go on this roller coaster ride and how much you are willing to overlook for the sake of R.

From what you have written it seems you both are working toward R. In your position I would tell her that you need certain things in order to R. You have the option of the 180 at your disposal too, to protect yourself, not to add hurt to your wife. You could use that to keep yourself on a level and do the work you need to do. Your wife can make her own decision and may even find it helpful to clear her head.

A qualifier for the above. You do it with the idea that you are still married. That your vows mean something to you. That you don't do anything other than maintain total transparency. If your wife sees you not clinging to her, doing what you need to do for the family, not adding any new hurts to your lives and simply withdrawing your emotions till you feel safe to share them, you may get the results that you want. You can always end the 180 when you both can agree to work towards reconciliation of the marriage.

We owe the BS our commitment and hard work to change who we are to be a real partner in the marriage. We don't need to accept behavior that is detrimental to that. On the face of it, I would be concerned if my wife went out, was not in contact with me and returned at ridiculous times like your wife has. IF we had committed to R. I could overlook a few times and then I would have to talk to her and make my own decisions.

I am not trying to put your wife at fault, nor am I condemning you. This is the complete destruction that infidelity brings. I am sorry that this is difficult for you.

Iotwitch posted 12/14/2013 13:02 PM

This was after my company Xmas party…This would have made sense a couple months ago but I was really surprised by this.

Trigger. Was the OW a work contact, or was the location relevant? Sometimes the strangest things can trigger memories, and then the BS feels hurt and angry all over again.

R will go much easier if you accept that there will be times when your wife is reminded of things and progress will take a few steps back. The good news is that if you can support her through this and own responsibility for her hurt feelings, things sometimes go right back to where they were before the trigger happened.

I feel if I accept this heavior more than once I will lose repspect for myself.

You may need to adjust your expectations a little. What was respectful towards before D-Day tends to be much different after D-Day for most people, for awhile, because of the level of anger involved. If she's triggering, she's right back in the thick of her pain, so don't expect her to be too concerned with how you're feeling.

I know I completely devastated her with my affair and will have to eat a lot of crow for a very long time.

This. This. This. Good luck.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 15:57 PM

You are correct, she does not know what seh wants or needs. I asked her and she told me as much. She does want space, she doesnt necessarly want me to back off but take some of my focus off of her. She needs time too, understandably. I will do my best to reel myself back in a bit.

She said she doesn't want to get into a relationship, date, etc with other people. I asked if she feels that way can we committ to each other while we work on this. She said she's not ready yet, why should she committ to a cheating bastard. She said shes working on it with her IC, among other things. It makes sense, I really dont deserve it all things things considered. The fact that she said she didnt want to see other people was enough for me. I believe her. I myself have been 100% committed since dday.

I did the 180 in the beginning when things were really bad, and I had some success. I think employing parts but not all at this point would benefit me.

The A had nothing to do with work, possibly the venue though my BS goes there often.

I need to be reminded that we will take a step back from time to time, but it doesnt mean its the end. I am prepared for the roller coaster still to come and whatever else it will bring. She is worth it, no matter how long it takes.

I really appreciate this safe place and all the wonderful people that contribute. It has been a big help lately.