This makes my weekends dreadful, sad and devastating. I just miss him so much; and I can not do what I need to show him and prove to him that I am very sorry about everything and I need him back.
Anyone on the same boat as I am? HELP please!
Me WW (51)
Him BH (52)
DDay Aug 16, 2013
What happens during the week? Are you and H talking about the As, working on recovery of the marriage? Do you talk to him when he's gone on the weekends? How old are your kids and where do they think their dad is on the weekends?
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
During the week, we just go through the motions of being parents to our kids... no we don't talk about the A because he wouldn't cooperate. Everytime I start talking about it, he would shove me away. He just keeps telling me he wouldn't be able to accept what I did; he wouldn't take me back and he wouldn't be able to forgive me. When I ask him if he still loves me, he would tell me "he is not sure".
I do my best to show him how sorry and remorseful I am for what I did. Every now and then I tell him "sorry". I am doing my best showing him in the mundane things that I am here for him.
His job requires him to travel every now and then, thus the kids know he is just out of town.
You have a right to know if you are in a relationship or not. Your husband has told you a few things, but they are not clear to me reading your post.
Children feel what is going on between their parents. Playing happy homelife on the weekdays isn't helping them.
You two need to decide on what is going on. If your husband really is in doubt about what he wants. Accept it. However, you don't have to act like a happy family while you are in limbo. Set ground rules for your separation and then do work on yourself. As I told another poster earlier. If your husband says he does not feel married. Wants to date. If you want him back don't reciprocate and do the work to make yourself a person of integrity. Let the chips fall where they may.
Through this process I have learned that we WS have in some instances destroyed our relationships. Our BS really don't know what they want. Some will try to be cake eaters and keep us in a holding pattern until they decide what they want. Sometimes they may not be honest about their lives, because frankly that can't be because of the trauma of infidelity. We can only try to have integrity and have the right to say NO to certain behaviors and still want to reconcile. That is the tough road we have made for ourselves by our actions.
Give it some time and keep doing what you're doing, but at some point you may decide it's enough.
Thank you for the feedback. That's how I exactly feel many times.. living life in limbo. I do not know where I stand in my BH's life. I can not even play my role now as his wife (if I still am for him). He keeps his schedules to himself (like trips at work). He does not give me those information because he told me he does not trust me. That really makes me feel like a rotten crap
I've been seriously thinking of leaving him for a while, at least so he could see my worth. But I worry about my kids. They depend on me a lot for their caring needs.
I am sorry you are hurting in all of this. Infidelity sucks!
Finally, at about Thanksgiving, I knew that I could not emotionally handle the limbo for much longer. I didn't want to draw a hard line or make a selfish stance when I started the mess, but the limbo was so painful, I really couldn't take much more.
Luckily, my husband is willing to participate in R. We are still separated, but we are moving from just IC to MC in addition. We have spent the night together twice, and we added a weekly talk about our more serious issues. This has allowed us to enjoy the family together more the other nights of the week. I still don't know if we can repair the issues between us, but knowing that we are both committed to working on this together for R, gives me hope I have not known in a long, long, time.
Although having your husband gone is horrible and painful, hopefully he is processing his feelings and will be able to come to the table in a much more stable and self-aware place after some time.
It may help to except all of the feelings that you have over this: rejection, sadness, anger, fear, etc. Know that feelings are fleeting and will wax and wane. For me, there were many times that an emotion made me feel that I couldn't take the separateness one more day....but if I held on for dear life, I would have a day or two of peace.
When I knew that I had reached my limit, was when I accepted that I could do NOTHING to "make" him want to stay. That decision was all on him. I took my eager mitts off the outcome, and gave it to the universe. I still worked on addressing my own issues, actions, faults, mistakes, remorse, etc. But I let go of the desperate clutch to fixing things.
And when I did this, I could really see what was my 'truth". And it wasn't dominated by the continual waves of feelings, or a mood, or a reaction. My truth was, after six months, I needed to work on my relationship or grieve its loss. I couldn't "wait" any longer. And because my H had had lots of time to think and process, he was ready to meet me half way. Had I come to that place earlier, I do not think he would have been ready, and my relationship would have been lost.
Hang in there. Wait for your truth, and let him find his. And remember, even if you don't know where you are going...its got to be better than where you have been.
THANK YOU.. Tears pour down reading your reply.
You gave me some enlightenment and some hope. My prayer really is for that time when my BH will hold my hand in this gruesome journey. I just can not do it alone. I see that his pride is getting on the way.
And just like your H, I hope he would take those weekend gone times to deep thinking and reflection and be able to come up with a positive plan for our R.
I have not seen this in any of your posts, so sorry if I missed it.
My question is, looking back right now---objectively, how did you view your BH's treatment of you and the marriage up until your A?
I am asking because I am curious if his behavior and treatment of you was poor through the years. Did he verbally abuse you? Was he attentive? Did he show you affection?
If he was *reasonable* prior to the A, then I believe that you have your answer. All I can say is that I never have gone through anything like being a betrayed spouse. Four years later, and I still post on an infidelity website. Without a doubt, the most traumatic experience in my life....to the nth degree.
Doesn't mean that the BS doesn't or can't bounce back. I am in a much better place than D-day(thanks SI). But the recovery was brutal. AND every case is different.
I am stating this as hope for you---not the other way around. I want you to understand that his pain is more severe than you can imagine...and that is because his love for you is much deeper than you were led to believe. Hence the pain, anger, and confusion when his world fell apart.
That is not justification for his poor treatment of you---just an explanation. Whether he stays in this marriage or not, he has years of healing in front of him...as do you.
I hope he gets past this stage soon. I hope that he realizes that you want to be committed to him and the marriage again. And I hope that he feels the same way also.
Regretfully, it is almost impossible to put a timeline on his behavior.
Best of luck going forward.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Is he out having a fling of his own? Hmmmm. He has no right to be gone all weekends, leaving YOU to do all parenting. That is crap.
They just hold the shit over you and keep you in your little place until they decide what is to be done with you.
Personally, I would tell him to either shit or get off the pot. I would not chase him either. You should not have to live like this forever.
Honestly, my BH had a tendency to "belittle" me. I felt I was emotionally battered, it seems I wasn't deserving to be his wife. He would also verbally abuse me like saying "you're the worse"! "I should just leave you"! "Stupid"! He said these things out of little things. I am not using this though as defense for my A. And I would say, he has given me good times and I know he truly loves me. It's just that he had this way of being "sarcastic" short tempered and sometimes even a slave driver.
I know, right? His reason for not giving me his schedule is that: I was having a good time with the OM whenever he was "out of town".. so this triggers him. But honestly, my A was short-lived. I only met up with the OM twice. (Again, I am not being defensive here). Whenever I ask where he is going, he would answer with "It's none of your business"! how hurtful Aubrie.
I want to get away... but Im scared for my kids
Sorry guys... I'm mentally disoriented now
You are right---these are the worst of times. Not only does your BH distrust you, but YOU distrust yourself. I am sure it is extremely confusing.
The only thing that I can offer you in the way of advice, is that the one thing we learn...if we weren't certain before infidelity...is that we can only control ourselves. Just as your BH is free to leave the marriage, you are also capable of doing such. But I would recommend that you hold off on that decision until you feel confident in your decision making.
Maybe your BH was not a good partner. Maybe you should have divorced him years ago. Maybe you have never been confident enough in yourself to make that decision---based on fear. Fear of the unknown.
But maybe he isn't that bad of a partner. Maybe the same thought processes and decision making that allowed you to have an affair, is part of what makes your BH look like a less than stellar partner. What is important, no---paramount, is that you get yourself to a healthy individual state. That way, when you make future decisions, they will be clear-minded, and the best for your personal health.
When I first found this site, I didn't understand the "you have to work on you" gospel that was so often preached. At least I didn't understand it at the level that I do today. We are all works in progress, and if we don't get our heads on straight, we miss the whole point of personal healing. Keep that in mind---you can't change your past, but you can make a good future.
I don't believe a wayward deserves punishment. They deserve consequences for their actions. A TOTAL lack of trust isn't punishment, just an effect from an earlier action. Name calling, emotional or physical abuse--these are not acceptable behaviors. You may tolerate some name calling...because that is often raw emotion that comes out, but the other types of abuse shouldn't be tolerated. And once you delve deep into yourself, and your inner problems, you will become healthier, and less tolerable to those behaviors.
My WW held a lot of resentment for me leading up to...and especially during...her affairs. Some of her resentments were justified in my opinion, and many were not. But one of the hardest things for her to sort out post A, is how to handle those emotions. Which ones were real, and which ones were either manifested, or increased in her mind, as she spun out of control. And on the other side of that coin, I found myself totally emasculated, and with zero self-esteem after D-day. I looked at her resentments as fact---and of course, went the wrong way in trying to solve these problems---because I thought it was my fault.
It takes a long time to sort through this.
I am sure that I am all over the board here, but I want you to know that it does get better---if you put the time and effort into yourself. If you do that work...and are honest with yourself...things will start to look clearer and clearer. It is then that you can make the most rational decisions.
Focus on you. The rest will fall into place.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:21 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
You have great wisdom! You gave me so much encouragement. Since we're only 4 months out from DDay, I feel like I have to do all of the work. Sometimes I feel so helpless, I am not getting into any good result. My BH just isn't cooperating. And yes, his name calling and cussing deeply hurts me. I do feel being punished. But up till this day, I haven't forgiven myself. Yes, you are right, I don't trust myself. I do have a lot of working on myself. But I don't know how to start
And there's one thing too, there are times I feel very very scared of my BH. I'm scared of his hurtful words. He also has the tendency of breaking things. Like the night of DDay, he broke our big aquarium, sending all the fishes into the rug and the living room being flooded. He also broke our LED TV. He poked his gun to my head. I was scared to death, I had to leave that night. But I came back early the next morning. Since then, I was traumatized, that he might do something like that again. Sometimes my heart races like I am having a nervous breakdown. How will I ever start healing? Specially that I feel like I am the only one working on this. I am so helpless and becoming desperately hopeless
If he ever brings that gun out again, call the police, get an RO, and change the locks on the doors of your house. That's abusive and threatening behavior that NO ONE should accept.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Believe in yourself!