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Newest Member: W2MNL (46024)

User Topic: This is real! Holy crap this is my life
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been trying to R since last January, or at least I have.

We decided to S on Monday. I know it is best but this is not what I want! I want my husband to love me, to be who I thought he was not who he really is.

Just having a dip in the emotions but this hurts so much. I am at work and trying so hard not to cry.

I know I can't go on like this but I have moments when I think I would give anything. I know that is not true though, I won't give up myself.

This just hurts. He is being honest and it hurts. We talked this morning and I think it just causes more pain. I need the truth but it is so incredibly painful.

He is unsure what he feels about me. He is not sure if he even wants to D or not.

I think I have to. this limbo is cruel.

He is stepping up with practical things, finances and home repairs.

Did he ever love me?? Was it all a lie??

I will get better again, I have to remember that when I feel like this. Feelings are temporary, right???

I was so good yesterday, what happened? We talked, I think it hurts me more to talk to him.

Will I get better when he moves out???


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hugs))
Personally a huge weight lifted for me once I decided to D, and another huge weight when he moved out two months later. Living in limbo is agony. You can't R alone. My IC told me how important it is when you have those dark moments to remember they are temporary. I hope you find some peace.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 640 | Registered: May 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to remember that feelings pass. It is hard when it hits. It feels like a wave of pain.

That holy crap, this is real, how can this be real???

Totally irrational, but damn it hurts.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cant)))) Distance helps. His moving out will help. It's really difficult to get any sense of stability let alone healing while you are still living in the same place.

Hang in there, cant. You are at the hardest part right now. We've got you, honey. Sending you comfort and strength.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26474 | Registered: Aug 2011
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cantaccept)))
I'm so sorry honey it's a really terrible thing to go through. I'm doing in house separation while he ignores the divorce papers and I know it will be a huge relief when he moves out. Just remember that because of your WH the alternative to S isn't a happy marriage, it's the he'll you've been living in for the past months. Just not having to wonder if he's still cheating, whether he cares, whether he'll work in the marriage, etc will relieve some burden

“Accepting Change: April 19”
“The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places—time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.
But change is inevitable, and desirable.
Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we’re not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we’ll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible we’re “being prepared for a new “normal”?
Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where we’re going. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don’t know where the changes are leading.
We can trust that the change taking place is good. The winds will take us where we need to go.
Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I’ll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I don’t understand.”

Excerpt From: Beattie, Melody. “The Language of Letting Go.” Hazelden, 2009. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id377967123

Excerpt From: Beattie, Melody. “The Language of Letting Go.” Hazelden, 2009. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id377967123
Excerpt From: Beattie, Melody. “The Language of Letting Go.” Hazelden, 2009. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id377967123


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
lifestoshort
♀ 18442
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with trippletrouble. I was relieved. its much better living in a direction you know you are indeed going than limbo. that was way more stressful for me. also I loved the books by Laura S. on self help areas. it helped me to stay out of the rose colored view and know what I had to do.

baggage reclaim is an excellent site too.


6/07 EX had MANY affairs.
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09

Posts: 713 | Registered: Mar 2008
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I don't want to live the same life anymore, I know that. I think what threw me was his being nice.

It feels so crazy, he can show compassion for ending our marriage now but cannot show compassion for the pain from his a. Non of this makes any sense. I don't think it ever will to me.

I think NC will give me the time to adjust. It is a lot to come to terms with. He is being honest now and that is better than the mixed messages. That was making me crazy.

I feel a bit better just posting here. Also I have been awake since 2:30am, not good for keeping things in perspective.

Thanks friends


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept)))

In a couple of years, as you heal and make a better life for yourself, you will be saying "I can't believe this is my life" but it will be in a positive way.

So much awaits you!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3534 | Registered: Dec 2011
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think NC will give me the time to adjust. It is a lot to come to terms with. He is being honest now and that is better than the mixed messages. That was making me crazy.

no contact, no contact, no contact!!!

Absolutely, no contact is your friend. It gives you time to adjust because it gives you time to find YOUR TRUTH. His "honest" is likely full of blameshifting, criticism, and rationalization for why he is doing what HE is doing.

Start to focus on what you are doing, what you are choosing instead of limbo and why. Making a list of the things he does that are "crazy making" and gross and mean and keeping it close can remind you why your life is worth choosing.

Holy crap, this is your life! And what you can make of it is absolutely limitless.

You are at the hardest spot, in my opinion. The turning point. Change sucks! It is scary. But it passes and becomes normal.

Hang in there, (((can))).


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ What CG said.

There's a great quote that sums up this time for me:

"The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender."

I had worked so hard and tolerated so much abuse for so long how could I NOT attempt R?? Like a gambler who keeps throwing good money after bad.

I think I would still be in limbo hell had he not turned on me so savagely. It blew away all delusions I had.

I was broken and bleeding on the floor yet he still tried to set fire to me. I'll never understand the cruelty but in hindsight I am grateful that I was ripped out of limbo. That shit was crazy making.

((cantaccept))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The limbo is absolute hell!!!

It is impossible to have no contact while living in the same house. We only decided to separate on Monday and everything is still combined. How the heck do you do this????

He is looking for a place but it will take some time. It is just so unsettling. Monday we were at MC and that afternoon we are separating. It is just a lot to adjust to. It is so awkward and mind spinning.

I am trying to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself but it is really hard. I am trying to detach, face the reality that he really is not going to make the effort.

I think that for the last 10 months the mixed messages and blameshifting has made me a bit crazy. What is real? Now I know but it keeps shocking me.

I think I just want to rip off the band aid, not this slow, did I just say slow???

I just need us to separate. This living in the same house now that we are parting is just so hard. It's only been a few days but it feels like forever.

I need some privacy. I need to cry alone. I feel like I have to stuff everything now.

I just feel like I want some peace. I want some control and now I have to depend on him to actually make plans and follow through.

That has been an issue the last 10 months, initiative and follow through.

I suppose if he is uncomfortable enough he is anxious to move on too.

Just venting, need to get it out somewhere.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

vent away!! It is good for the soul.

In house separation ... I have heard it is the worst hell. I don't have specific advice or experience, but you can have all my sympathy!

I think wanting PEACE is attainable. Keep your eye on that prize.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cantaccept)) None of us wanted this, we got married and thought we were in it for the long haul, because WE were. Unfortunately the cheaters weren't. I am barreling towards that D, I kicked him out last Sat. He snuck back at least once when my girls and I were out. I haven't changed the locks, since I have an app't with the lawyer on Tues. I'll ask about the laws here in DE then. As soon as I LEGALLY can deny him access I will. I keep having the thought, MAYBE ... maybe if ... and then I stop myself. He CHOSE to not be faithful, he CHOSE to cheat, he CHOSE to lie, he CHOSE to dishonor our marriage vows, he CHOSE to abuse my trust and trample on my kindness. HE ...not me. I can not get free of him fast enough. I'm 53 and I want a real marriage, based on love, honesty, honor, respect and caring. Not the sham my marriage has been. I'm worth so much more ... and so are you! Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
wontdefineme
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to protect yourself. Move anything that he make take that he shouldn't. Get financial paperwork hidden or copied. Get any of his financial stuff that you might need. Can you do a credit report while you are still legally married just to check on what is out there. I used to do both of ours yearly so it wasn't a biggie to run them. Anything valuable that he might take, put at your families place, or friends. Any evidence you have, hide. He is now the enemy and you need to start thinking along these lines. Protect yourself because divorce is brutal and the reason these cheaters win is because they know how to lie.

Protect yourself and your assets. Close credit cards that are joint. Get one in your own name if possible. Set up a checking account. Close lines of credit, take out half of the savings. Did I say protect yourself.


Posts: 2186 | Registered: Mar 2011
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry. I know your pain well. The purgatory as I call it is the worst ever. Seeing the person you love do these things destroys the soul. My stbxww dated other men while I was still in the home, partied all night, got drunk , never came home weekends,had sex toys out in our bedroom , hotel bathrobes , love letters to other men. She would party in our home as I was curled up in a ball crying in my basement! That is just some of the pain I experienced through this , before D day . It was hell. Pure hell !!! But once she put the order of protection on me with her lies after I caught her in hotel , I had to leave my home . Yes it sucks to leave in that way but it was the best thing that happened to me . It forced me to detach. I am 8 months no contact and 2 months total no contact and it is freeing! You will get to discover who you are and what you want . You will realize that you deserve soooo much more and soooo much better than what you put up with.

As these wise people have told you , he is the enemy now . This is a hard concept to embrace but you must to survive this. You need to get all legalities gathered as you are there and start meeting with lawyers to prepare. I pray I am wrong and he will wake up and smell the coffee but you have to assume the worst.

I am sorry you are here but NO CONTACT is the best cure for this. It gets better trust me , I still have moments, but that is what they are now just moments , they come and go and do not consume my life! I wish you all the best. Stay strong!!!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 733 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't accept..........You can do this. Right now it is what you know, what you have accepted for yourself . YOU deserve so very much more. Lets start with personal dignity. It is no longer about him, it is about YOU, a life of respect, dignity and self worth.

Not gonna kid you, easy to get sucked back in during sentimental holidays.....but think Stong!

Hugs, Healing and Hope to you


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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