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Teach8 posted 12/14/2013 16:18 PM

So, I hardly ever post. I always log on thinking I am going to, and then see a post by someone else talking exactly about what I am going through at the moment. I hardly felt like I even needed to. But I haven't come across my dilemma...at least not recently.

We are roughly 20 months out from our original dday. I have never gotten a timeline. When the affair is 7 years long, it is very difficult to remember (on his part) and very difficult to process (on my part) all the details.

But I have so many things nagging at me, that I have felt like I really needed a timeline lately. Over the past two years, I have asked my wh to remember things, but he never does. The not knowing, I think, has me stuck in limbo and therefore not committing completely to R. I think I am, but then I just go back down the rabbit hole and it seems to be this hellish cycle I can't escape.

Now, my wh has agreed to write me a timeline. He says he will be more honest if he does it alone. I can totally understand that. However, I am worried that once I get this timeline, I'm just going to look at it as a bunch of tt...which in many ways it may very well be. I explained to him that I thought we would be better off writing it together...a team effort, but he doesn't want to. I am afraid. I am afraid of what he is going to say and afraid of how I will feel. I don't want to go back to square 1. And now I am sort of pissed at both myself and him for not making him write it sooner. But honestly, I was always hoping that he would take that initiative on his own. Such a catch 22. I want all the truth for many reasons. I think it is important for his healing as well as mine.

And now I am afraid that he will read this post and then hold back the truth again. I know I need the truth. The wondering is terrible. It is so difficult wondering what the hell was real for basically our entire marriage. I just can't do it anymore. Ughh. Any thoughts? Advice? Do I try to forgive the fact that I am bound to get new information I should have had long ago if that is what I am asking for now?

steadfast1973 posted 12/14/2013 16:27 PM

On dday1 I never got a timeline... Dday2, he rambled it off in full, in what I've seen called, here, and " avalanche of truth. He didn't give me exact dates, but what i found on his computer fit the timeline perfectly... Now he's working on a timeline for the EA, but it was 4 years ago... We are having to go through ancient facebook posts, and livejournal entries... It's triggery... But closure.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 4:28 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 12/14/2013 16:42 PM

Don't worry about this yet.

When you get the TL, you can - you'll have to - evaluate the info you get in terms of the info itself.

It IS TT, no matter what, but you get to decide how you treat it. Maybe you'll think of murder, maybe D, maybe it will be easy to accept the new info.

In fact, when you get it, you may decide that uncertainty is better for you than knowing. That's unlikely, but who can predict the future?

Have faith in yourself to make the right decision.

Teach8 posted 12/14/2013 17:46 PM

Thanks, Steadfast. I am hoping I will feel the same when I see the timeline...like it is something that can help me move forward.

Sisoon, as usual, you give wise advice. I wish I had faith in myself. Still working on that. :)

Thank you both for the support.

blackbirdfly posted 12/14/2013 19:27 PM

Yes, there will be TT. I got a timeline three years after DDay number 2. It contained a LOT of TT. Some was just detail stuff, some was really painful to read. I'm still "glad" I have it as it has helped bring me some peace. On the other hand, it did open up old wounds to a certain extent.

I think you should have it, if you want it. But be prepared for conflicting feelings. Both relief and pain.