So, I hardly ever post. I always log on thinking I am going to, and then see a post by someone else talking exactly about what I am going through at the moment. I hardly felt like I even needed to. But I haven't come across my dilemma...at least not recently.
We are roughly 20 months out from our original dday. I have never gotten a timeline. When the affair is 7 years long, it is very difficult to remember (on his part) and very difficult to process (on my part) all the details.
But I have so many things nagging at me, that I have felt like I really needed a timeline lately. Over the past two years, I have asked my wh to remember things, but he never does. The not knowing, I think, has me stuck in limbo and therefore not committing completely to R. I think I am, but then I just go back down the rabbit hole and it seems to be this hellish cycle I can't escape.
Now, my wh has agreed to write me a timeline. He says he will be more honest if he does it alone. I can totally understand that. However, I am worried that once I get this timeline, I'm just going to look at it as a bunch of tt...which in many ways it may very well be. I explained to him that I thought we would be better off writing it together...a team effort, but he doesn't want to. I am afraid. I am afraid of what he is going to say and afraid of how I will feel. I don't want to go back to square 1. And now I am sort of pissed at both myself and him for not making him write it sooner. But honestly, I was always hoping that he would take that initiative on his own. Such a catch 22. I want all the truth for many reasons. I think it is important for his healing as well as mine.
And now I am afraid that he will read this post and then hold back the truth again. I know I need the truth. The wondering is terrible. It is so difficult wondering what the hell was real for basically our entire marriage. I just can't do it anymore. Ughh. Any thoughts? Advice? Do I try to forgive the fact that I am bound to get new information I should have had long ago if that is what I am asking for now?