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How to put the past behind me

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Sorceress posted 12/14/2013 16:32 PM

My story is a bit complex, so forgive the potentially confusing "nutshell". Basically, I met a man who was 11 years older when I was 20. Was fresh out of a teenage sweetheart relationship which had ended badly when I found out he was using the Internet and text messages to cheat on me. Anyway, I was with this older man for 7 years when I found out he had cheated years before, for almost 2 years with a very close friend. We'd had children in this time, so had she...And within three months of this absolute bombshell, an even bigger one was dropped when he was arrested and charged with having sex with a 13 year old when he was 30! Part of the evidence, I later discovered, was that he also slept with her when she was fifteen, an accusation he did not deny. He was with me then. Ugh. BUT, not only did he do these things, he ALSO used the Internet and text messages and private Facebook messages etc to be unfaithful!

Now, I'm in a relationship with a nice man, we have been exclusive for almost 9 months and we spent about four just "seeing each other." No commitment then, I don't know if he was seeing other girls then and I don't care, that's none of my business. The bit that I'm having trouble with is coaching myself not to freak out over text messages and the Internet. He has a fair few female friends, he always has had. He does not hide any communication with them. I have no reason to believe he is doing anything untoward, except my own paranoia. Because of the way my last relationship ended, I was left with some significant self worth issues. I worry that because I have stretch marks, he'll prefer someone that doesn't. That because I have delivered 2 children that my vagina feels loose to him and he will lust after people who have never had children. (I do kegels all the time, have no bladder control issues, it's literally paranoia!)

And so I worry that he will become more interested in his female friends, most of whom he uses Facebook to chat to as he doesn't live in the same county anymore. Because in the past, this crap has happened to me and because I've never been enough for someone so far. I know it's me, I know it's wrong and I do not want to drive him away, I love this man. Please help me. I find myself obsessing about weight and all sorts, like i need to be magazine perfect for him to want me. I am a UK size 12, 5ft 8, 34 E and so I know I can't be obese and yet that is all I see sometimes. Please, someone who has been there tell me there is a way through it!

persevere posted 12/15/2013 14:57 PM

Have you been in IC since your split?

Pippy posted 12/15/2013 15:34 PM

Hon, you are overlooking the obvious here. If he is the kind of man who wouldn't want you because you have stretch marks or whatever, then HE'S NOT THE KIND OF MAN YOU WANT!

Is he an Adonis with a perfect body, teeth, skin and hair? Would you still love him anyway if he didn't? Real love is mature and forgiving. Think of old couples with all their physical changes, yet they still feel deep love for eachother. The physical state is not important to them. They know what REAL love is.

You should join a group for building self esteem, so you don't go around with a neon sign on your back saying "I am unworthy". YOU ARE worthy, you are a good person, you are attractive...list ALL your good traits big and small. "I am good at making KD" Join a Zumba class to get out and mix.

Your past is in the past. You can't change it so it's time to put it away. You have a long wonderful life ahead of you. Don't be in a rush to find a new man. Do something good for yourself every day to work on building your self love. Read every thing you can on it and talk to an IC. YOU CAN DO THIS! Hugs.

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