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How to put the past behind me

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Sorceress posted 12/14/2013 16:32 PM

My story is a bit complex, so forgive the potentially confusing "nutshell". Basically, I met a man who was 11 years older when I was 20. Was fresh out of a teenage sweetheart relationship which had ended badly when I found out he was using the Internet and text messages to cheat on me. Anyway, I was with this older man for 7 years when I found out he had cheated years before, for almost 2 years with a very close friend. We'd had children in this time, so had she...And within three months of this absolute bombshell, an even bigger one was dropped when he was arrested and charged with having sex with a 13 year old when he was 30! Part of the evidence, I later discovered, was that he also slept with her when she was fifteen, an accusation he did not deny. He was with me then. Ugh. BUT, not only did he do these things, he ALSO used the Internet and text messages and private Facebook messages etc to be unfaithful!

Now, I'm in a relationship with a nice man, we have been exclusive for almost 9 months and we spent about four just "seeing each other." No commitment then, I don't know if he was seeing other girls then and I don't care, that's none of my business. The bit that I'm having trouble with is coaching myself not to freak out over text messages and the Internet. He has a fair few female friends, he always has had. He does not hide any communication with them. I have no reason to believe he is doing anything untoward, except my own paranoia. Because of the way my last relationship ended, I was left with some significant self worth issues. I worry that because I have stretch marks, he'll prefer someone that doesn't. That because I have delivered 2 children that my vagina feels loose to him and he will lust after people who have never had children. (I do kegels all the time, have no bladder control issues, it's literally paranoia!)

And so I worry that he will become more interested in his female friends, most of whom he uses Facebook to chat to as he doesn't live in the same county anymore. Because in the past, this crap has happened to me and because I've never been enough for someone so far. I know it's me, I know it's wrong and I do not want to drive him away, I love this man. Please help me. I find myself obsessing about weight and all sorts, like i need to be magazine perfect for him to want me. I am a UK size 12, 5ft 8, 34 E and so I know I can't be obese and yet that is all I see sometimes. Please, someone who has been there tell me there is a way through it!

2kidsandadog posted 12/14/2013 16:59 PM

Hi Sorceress!

I am sorry you are feeling so down and insecure. I can totally relate to this feeling of demise. My ex cheated on me our entire 30 years together so being paranoid and skeptical is my second name. I don't know if I have any advice for you except that it takes time; lots of time. I went straight into a relationship shortly before my divorce was final and now I see how I needed time to begin healing from all the emotional abuse I suffered. My b/f and I are still together and slowly I am letting go and trying to trust more. I used to think that all men are cheaters and was raised with that very premise therein. I continue to try to strengthen myself by doing little silly things for myself to distract my suspicious mind. Regarding the physical appearance issues, I am constantly battling those "model" concepts. I am almost 50 and things definitely don't look as they did. Maybe try to take a couple of hours a week to engage in a workout routine that's styled for you!!!! I still beat myself up for not exercising and I know I should for health reasons as well as self esteem boosters.

I know this probably doesn't help but just wanted you to know that there are others out there that understand how you feel!!! Settling in to old age seems to be much harder on women than men. The good news is that I've heard many men say that they don't need a magazine perfect woman to fall and stay in love with. If this guy really loves you, he will love ALL of you! Cheers my friend!!!

NaiveAgain posted 12/14/2013 20:02 PM

The good news is that I've heard many men say that they don't need a magazine perfect woman to fall and stay in love with.
Most of the men I know don't really want a perfect woman to settle down with. They want someone "real."

It can be extremely intimidating for a guy to be with a "perfect" woman. The only guys I know that chased after those types of women were a bit narcissistic. The average guy tends to have a realistic view of what real women are and look like.

I have had four children, vaginal child-births. I have stretch marks and I have not had one guy who has had a problem with any of it.
If he is with you for the right reasons, he will be okay with all of you. If he has a problem with such superficial stuff, he is not good long-term material anyway.

As far as the trust issues, I freak out over technology also since that is what my WS used to do his cheating, and now my new SO started down a slippery slope with his i-phone. I hate technology. I can't help you with that one...I am probably always going to have to check up on that stuff but at least my SO understands and is good with it.

The one thing that is helping me is making sure my SO fixes his boundary issues. What type of boundaries does your SO have? How intimate is he with his female friends? I don't have a problem with casual female acquaintances but honestly, at this point, I won't deal with a guy that feels they have to have lots of close female friends. That just doesn't work for me at this point in my life. That is my deal, my issue, and a boundary I have to have, and I make no apologies for it. If I can't feel safe in a relationship, I won't stay.

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