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Sitting here in the guestroom, waiting for the holidays to end so we can do a mediated separation, I just came back from watching the new Hobbit movie.

Watched it in IMAX 3D. It's a fantastically written, beautifully shot, wonderfully acted and directed masterpiece.

And I enjoyed none of it.

15 minutes in, I couldn't wait to get out of the theater. I forced myself to watch the whole thing like I forced myself to eat my favorite food earlier, but with a feeling of numbness. The more beautiful the images the more depressed I got. It was all I could do not to cry. And not the good cry, "what a wonderful, moving movie". The bad, "why can't I enjoy this?" cry.

What really gets you about this situation is the lack of enjoyment of what should be a wonderful, uplifting experience.

I hope this heartache ends soon.

Keep going, keep doing these things. It sends your subconscious a powerful message, that you are still you, you love what you love and you have an inner drive towards and right to joy. Just get through the holidays. You have much to get through but on the other side life is still life,and you have a right to get there.

It DOES get better. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now.

I understand, GP.

My friends have been trying to get me to visit or go out with them since she walked out. Friday night I went to visit some friends after they insisted that I needed to get out of the house.

I couldn't stay. I kept picturing our visits there together, and then would see her and OM visiting with OM's friends in my mind.

Even though every inch of this house is a painful memory, it is the only place I feel even a little bit secure.

This grief just sucks the joy out of everything. According to everything I have read here, it is a long, long road back to something that resembles "normal".

Meanwhile, the roller coaster keeps rolling.

[This message edited by justjim at 6:39 AM, December 15th (Sunday)]

GP and JJ, this is totally normal. It took me a very long time before I could even go anywhere and not have those feelings. Time does help and every time you do something and make it through, give yourself a pat on the back. GP you made it through the whole movie, that is pretty awesome. How you made it does not matter as much as the fact that you did.

JJ, you got through that visit, the memories will fade as you begin to make new memories.

I went to my grandmother's house recently she has a picture on the wall of a few Christmas' ago and there we were, xWH, myself and our sweet baby IrishLad. I didn't cry, I didn't feel the need to rip it off the wall ore even to leave early. I felt that it was a good memory and I am grateful for having that moment in my life.

You will all get there

I know...

Yesterday was my staff Christmas party, with people I love! I felt nothing but grateful that there was something I could go to to pass the time. Not really enjoyable at all.

bugger.