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NotFixable posted 12/15/2013 09:13 AM

I woke up this morning feeling so hurt and helpless, and now I can't stop crying. I am so lonely and absolutely cannot believe he is putting me through this. Dear God, why do I love him? Why? This weekend has been the hardest thing for me to live through. During the work week, at least I had something else to focus on during the day. Breaking NC yesterday made me feel even worse and I knew it would, but I did it anyway. I guess I thought that by now he'd be feeling bad enough about what he's done to our family that he would give me at least some glimmer of hope. Wrong! I was so wrong. I feel like I am right back to square one. I can't stop crying at all. I feel like I'm going to die. Wish I would, but cruelly, I seem to be destined to go through the whole painful process.

Take2 posted 12/15/2013 09:31 AM

(((notfixable))) I'm so sorry. I know that pain, I remember that pain. One moment at a time for now. I visited square one a number of times as I made my through this hell. Fortunately the length of stay there will shorten. Hang in there. When the anger hits - it brings with it quite a bit of relief. Hugs and prayers for strength.

nowiknow23 posted 12/15/2013 09:38 AM

(((((NotFixable))))) Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

Lean into the feelings today. Know that they will ebb again, and treat yourself gently until they do. And when they do pass, pick yourself up and get back on that NC horse.

I understand - we ALL understand - that hope that they will "get it." Letting go of that hope hurts. A lot. ((((more hugs)))

You will come through this part, sweetie. I promise. And when you get to the other side of this, something wonderful happen. A new hope emerges - a hope that you grow and nurture for your life, your future. As hard as it may be to believe that when you are hurting today, there is hope and light ahead.

Hang in there. We've got you.

PurpleRose posted 12/15/2013 10:16 AM

I know this pain well... It seems insurmountable and like it will never get any better. You just cannot imagine ever not feeling happy again, the pain and loneliness are all consuming.

But, it will get better. You will have to help yourself a little bit, but it will get better. Get to your doctor for some help with ADs, sleeping aids, etc. make sure you are eating something every day. And drink water even when you are not feeling thirsty- all that crying really dehydrates you.

Also, find someone IRL to talk to, visit with, cry to. You must allow yourself the time to grieve, but don't forget that you will survive this.

FaithFool posted 12/15/2013 11:25 AM

don't forget that you will survive this

This ^^^ is very true.

NF, we have all experienced that despair that nothing will ever be bearable again.

Big hugs. It gets better, but there is no way out but through.

shiloe posted 12/15/2013 12:11 PM

I feel like I am right back to square one. I can't stop crying at all. I feel like I'm going to die. Wish I would,

I have so been there with you and still am at times.

that he would give me at least some glimmer of hope

Push that out of your mind. It may never happen. You need to pull up all your strength and courage and remind yourself constantly when this pain and loneliness hit:

You deserve to be treated with respect and faithfullness and that it would be better to be alone than be with a cheater.

Get angry. He hurt you. Don't let him steal anymore of your life.

Your need to get where you can say F.T.G and mean it to your core.

[This message edited by shiloe at 12:13 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 12/15/2013 14:13 PM

^^What every else said.

The death throes of hope and acceptance was by far the most painful part of this journey for me. That it was a false hope didn't make its death any less agonising.

We all break NC and we all feel like we're back at square one. You won't realise it now because you're hurt and bleeding on the floor but his total lack or remorse is what will give you the resolve to say "Fuck.That.Guy." and mean it.

I now see it as a gift, the kindest thing he did to me in 5+ years. It set me free before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

But that is for later - right now I now right where you are and I know nothing can soothe you right now. Please know you won't feel this way forever. I didn't believe it either, yet here I am.


sparkysable posted 12/15/2013 15:11 PM

Your most recent D-day was only a few weeks ago. I was a good flaming hot mess for AT LEAST the first year. Laying on the floor, wailing in agony.

NotFixable posted 12/15/2013 15:35 PM

Thanks all. I KNOW deep inside that I will survive this. This weekend is just the longest, most miserable that I've ever spent in my life. I broke NC again today. Humiliated myself by telling him how much I love him, to which there was no reply. I know, I know, I have to stop this. Later this week, my DD has a Christmas concert I'll be going to. I'm making myself almost sick over it because I know the OW will be there as well. I'm also afraid WH will show up even though he hasn't shot for father of the year in many years and I haven't seen him face to face since the day he moved out. I want to go for my daughter's sake but I would give anything to just skip the whole thing. I'm still laying on the couch bawling, but it does help so much knowing you are there to listen to me whine and moan and actually understand how I feel. Thank you!

Thefly559 posted 12/15/2013 16:22 PM

You will survive this , I will go a step farther and say you will thrive after this . But right now I know all too well what you feel and I am so sorry. You have keep the no contact. We all fall , I fell numerous times but we get back up and we push and we feel the pain and over time it weakens. You will hit anger and here you will feel much better. Then that too will subside. You need to take care of you. Strong body = strong mind! Wishing you power and strength and safety in knowing we are here with you every step

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