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Bad situation - seeking advice!

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Fallout posted 12/15/2013 22:42 PM

I need some advice. My BS and I are in the process of reconciliation, but we are both feeling very stymied right now due to the fact that I still work with my AP.

For economic reasons, I am unable to quit my job and sadly I have not yet found a new one, although that is definitely a priority. We have been in this situation for almost 8 months now and need some advice on what we can do to help begin the healing process until I get a new job.

My BS is hurt and upset that I have done very little to help progress our reconciliation, but I feel like I am unable to focus on moving forward as long as I am still in contact with my AP. My AP does not make it easy to work with him. In fact, he often throws temper tantrums involving slamming doors, storming around, and cornering me and confronting me at work - as recently as today. So yes, it's a very volatile and difficult situation and I know I need a new job...

Counseling is not yet an option due to financial constraints, but any book recommendations would be appreciated as he would like me to pick up some books for us to read together.

Thank you for any advice and helpful comments you may have!

Kelany posted 12/15/2013 23:18 PM

Couple things...

1. The AP's behavior at work is unacceptable. You need to report him to HR. Yes, you may have to out the affair, but he's being abusive.

2. There is no reason you can't progress in other areas both for him, you and together. You're giving your AP too much power. Why should he stop you working on becoming healthy and a better partner? When you have a new job it doesn't mean you will suddenly find the tools. You have to learn them now and constantly implement them.

3. How active is your job search? Couple resumes sent a week? I suggest an all out full steam search.

My WH lost his job twice. Once due to his affairs once not. First time he dragged it out and was unemployed for 4 months. He wasn't motivated. 1-2 resumes a day. If he got an interview he stopped looking. Then when he Didnt get the job, be all depressed for a few days, rinse, lather, repeat.

Second time I told him I would not accept a repeat of the previous. He had to be active and I'd be on his ass. He lost his job on a Wednesday. He flooded the market. He posted everywhere, applied everywhere. He even considered a career change and applied to different fields. He applied in person. He went from 1-2 apps a day to 20+. He had two interviews set up by Monday and a job offer by Wednesday.

Flood the market. Consider a career change. Use a head hunter. Revamp your resume. Put massive effort in this.

Neither of you can fully heal while you work with him. You can start however. But for your Bas, stop working with this man, and report him.

harrypotter posted 12/16/2013 09:06 AM

If your still looking for a couple books, " not just friends" is a good one to read together and " after the affair". Good luck

Fallout posted 12/16/2013 20:54 PM

harrypotter, Thank you for the book recommendations, I appreciate it. We will look into reading the two you have suggested.

Samantha, you are absolutely right. When I said it was a priority, I was leaving out a few details. There are a few other things holding us back right now. My BS is currently unemployed and his job search has taken precedence over mine for the time being - but to be perfectly honest, although it is a priority, neither of us have been doing enough. Full steam ahead! Thanks for the pep talk. Sounds like your husband kicked some butt on that job search... that's awesome!

As for my AP, he is definitely abusive... sigh. After his tantrum yesterday, he came up and apologized towards the end of the day. I never know what to say to him. I try to avoid saying much of anything but remain "diplomatic" so as to avoid escalating the situation. He has no self control and is incredibly immature, and I am walking on eggshells around him. I am not at the point where I want to out the affair and report him because I am extremely hopeful that I will be out of this job soon.

I know he has a lot of power over me. I feel like I am spending all of my energy trying to manage my emotions around him, avoid him at work and anticipate/mitigate his actions around me... It's like I am surrounded by it so much that I have not been able to properly focus on my own needs and relationship - its all still about HIM. I need help figuring out what I should be doing right now to get those "tools"...

I hope those books help us out. Thanks again for the advice, both of you.

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