[This message edited by Bdell at 1:03 AM, December 16th (Monday)]
A man answered and I told him my name and he got very upset, told me that it was over a long time ago and not to call again, and hung up.
My wife called me yesterday and asked me not to do anything until she got home to explain, said that she loved me more than anything and would answer all of my questions and "make it up to me". She obviously got a call from the man, because she never even asked about it.
After all if it was over "a long time ago" then how are they still in contact?
1. You don't have to make any decisions right now
2. The OM's BW (assuming he's married) should be informed. He can take his "don't call me again" and shove it up his arse.
3. NC letter
4. IC for her to figure why she did that. And no, your being apart is not an excuse. There are plenty of married couples who have had to live separately because of work and other reasons. It does not result in cheating. After all you didn't stray.
5. Full disclosure on your terms. That means a timeline and answering all your questions, but only when you're ready.
Your wife may try to blame shift but as Brandon said, separation is not an excuse. She made a choice. You can take responsibility for your part of any marital difficulties you may have had but it absolutely 100% her fault that she cheated.
She may try to minimize the affair or claim it wasn't physical. I got the story that "we just kissed once and it was uncomfortable". Six months later I got the truth which was sex in pretty much every way possible. It's very unlikely that there wasn't sexual involvement because where there is opportunity there is usually activity.
His wife should be told. She deserves to know for the same reason you deserved to know. They both made decisions about your marriages and your health without your consent. They may claim to have used condoms but there are some diseases that are spread despite condom use. I know because I was given one. You simply can't tell if someone carries something just by looking at them. And if he cheated with your wife there may have been others.
The book "Not Just Friends" is excellent reading for what the betrayed spouse goes through and how to set up boundaries to prevent recurrence. It also gives very good reasons for why your wife needs to go 100% no contact with the guy and give you 100% transparency. Unwillingness to do both seriously compromises the likelihood of reconciliation.
Remember to eat and drink. If you can't stomach food, get some Ensure or Boost or some nutritional supplements to try to stay healthy during this. It's physically and emotionally draining and it is not likely to get better for some time.
Read up on the 180 in case you have to protect yourself from an unremorseful spouse. You'll find most of what you need in the healing library.
Whether or not it is ongoing, the damage is done. Your wife needs to learn with a quickness that she cannot sweep her behavior under the rug and throw candy at you to make it go away.
Read through our Healing Library, and the targeted posts in JFO are very helpful as well.
You're about to embark on a hellish rollercoaster of emotion, but you WILL come out ok. That's why so many of us stick around - to tell you that it hurts like hell in the beginning but you're going to get through this.
Do not let your wife minimize. There's no "it was only" or "it was a mistake" or "I'm not that person anymore." She needs to take ownership and have some humility. It's the baseline of what you deserve. Take some deep breaths, and know that you're not alone.
Come post updates or just vent whenever you need to. The holidays are a little slower here because people are running around, but it is also a more confusing time for people who have just found out so people will come along to help you. I found out 3 years ago on the 17th of this month. It's ok to set the holidays aside if you need to grieve. They will be here next year and the year after that.
You take care of YOU, and lean on us.
Edited To Add: The OM (other man) likely paid cash because he is married and was more adept at covering his tracks than your wife. When you have the strength it would be the right thing to do to present evidence to his wife. Just something for the back burner while you get your bearings.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:58 AM, December 16th (Monday)]
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
I don't know. I can't understand why? Our sex life has, to say the least, been active. In fact, during my time away from home, our sex life was ravenous. when we would have long weekends together, all we did was eat , sleep and have sex. I have always been or tried to be romantic, and we talked, then and now, constantly.
This isn't on you. There's not a "why" in the equation that can be answered with something that points the blame at you. Unhappiness in a relationship is one thing. There is zero excuse for cheating. Do NOT blame yourself.
find out who the OM is, the force your wife to tell his wife.
Obviously, your wife betrayed you. it sounds hard, but that's my advice.
Hold your cards close to your chest. Collect evidence. Stay calm. Do not rely on your wife to do the right thing until she is out of the fog about what she has done.
she doesn't deserve your forgiveness now. she betrayed you and has been lying to you. another man has been banging your wife and she didn't tell you about it. got it? does that deserve forgiveness?
remember, you had to find out for yourself. she was lying to you.
It's a tool that many of us have used to get our power back when we feel like we're bleeding out in the relationship.
I don't think it's constructive to be "hard" on the WS during this time, if you can help it at all. I also don't think that it's constructive to beg or plead, again if we can help it. The thing is, there's so much rage and sadness in the beginning that you can only do your best to control what you can, and not to be hard on yourself when it all comes tumbling out.
The 180 is about reserving your energy for yourself. I think it's very important to stand up for yourself and be strong, but I also remember saying awful, hateful things to FWH that in retrospect just caused more damage to my own heart as well as his.
Just try to hang onto who YOU are. It's scary, but you will find yourself again through all this mess. I promise.
But this is what will happen, she will beg him not to tell the OM's wife. she'll be protecting her AP. Obviously she's still in touch with him. Interestingly, even though she was out of town, her AP knew how to contact her immediately. Pretty close contact don't you think?
IMO he needs to ignore her begging and pleading.
I don't think that he should respond to begging or pleading either.
If this was truly an incident that can be encapsulated in the scenario that he feels is put before him, and he is interested in reconciliation, communication is going to be key - even in these early stages of anguish.
Believe me, I was a fucking trainwreck for months - if not the first year. I'm just planting seeds for productivity if he has a shred of hope that his wife may have the capacity to atone for what she has done.
It's SUPER early to be able to tell what's going to happen next, Bdell. I want you to protect yourself first and foremost, as my other posts have indicated. There's an instinct for many to hurt the WS back in the beginning, and I don't want to see you spending any heart or time on that. Right now this is about you piecing together your new reality and figuring out what you want to do next.
Best advice I EVER got here? You don't HAVE to make any decisions right now. Not for you, and certainly not for her. You get to take as much time as you need. Period.
I'm sorry you are here. But prepare yourself as best you can before she returns. If she tries to protect her AP, you will know she isn't serious.
Try to take care of yourself. Don't get drunk. That doesn't help anything. Try to keep your wits about you. And don't cave in to her. She doesn't deserve it, as you now know.
be safe friend. Its good that she's staying at her sister's. I think you had a good start. Now you can think about things.
I did the same thing. I immediately told my wife to leave, take her AP. I didn't want her anymore. She immediately fell on her knees, blah, blah, begged for forgiveness.
the problem is.... i'm still not sure if I DO want her. I prefer reconciliation for others. And I hope you eventually mend your marriage. But in my case, after all this time, I still can't get the mind-movies out of my head. I still can't decide whether I can stomach her.
So I know, that it will be with you for awhile.
While you were away from your family, trying to provide for them, she was fucking another guy, having little trips to Bed and Breakfasts, etc. Wait till you find out that she didn't use protection, so that she exposed you to STD's.. sorry to say that. Of course, she will say they used a condom.
Anyway... take care of yourself. I wish you the best. Please post here when you can. There's a great group of people here. They will help. We can sympathize because we've been/are where you are.