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Bdell posted 12/16/2013 00:59 AM

I am so bummed by this I can barely function. I will try to discribe what has happened, but probably won't get it right.
My wife and I have been married 27 years come February, and we have had our ups and downs but I always thought that we had a good marriage together Recently two things have happened that has made me doubt everything. My wife has been out of town to take care of her mother who is very ill. While she was gone, I began to work on backing up our family documents, as my job is on a seasonal layoff, and I didn't have much else to do. Our Christmas shopping is always done by Thanksgiving. I was copying check fillers from about 4 years ago, when I noticed that for a period of 2 months, my wife wrote several checks to a hotel and some restaurants/ gas stations in a town about 20 miles from our home. Now normally My wife takes care of the finances, so I don't usually check our accounts as she has always been very good at this. She didn't know I was going to do this.
Now let me go back to 4 years ago. I was employed by a large manufacturing company, back then. Because of a down-sizing situation, my job was cut, but I was invited to take a similar job several states away. I was told this would only last a year and then I could return to my original plant as soon as somebody senior to me had retired. In fact it only took 8 months. These checks were written about halfway through the time I was away. The other plant was , as I said, several states away so I could not come home every weekend, plus it was too expensive, so we would take turns one weekend a month and she would come to me or I would fly home. Now the two months these checks were written were Jan. and Feb. Feb is our anniversary month so we splurged and I took her to Key West as an anniversary present, so I KNOW what happened during that month, or at least I thought I did. The date on the check to the hotel (bed and breakfast) was Sunday morning, when she told me sh went shopping for our trip.
I didn't call her to ask about the checks, because, something told me, I don't know what, but something told me I should look into this on my own. Now I want you to know that I have NEVER been jealous of my wife. She is very beautiful, but has always been a completely trustworthy person. She is a financial officer at her work, and a church goer. But SOMETHING told me to investigate for myself.
I drove over to the hotel and asked for the manager, told him who I was and showed him the check. He looked at me very funny and said that I could not be who I said I was, because Mr. and Mrs......... had stayed at his hotel and I was not the man. I showed him a picture of my wife and she definitely was the woman, so I showed him some ID (credit cards, DL, SS card ) before he would believe me. Then he told me that for 2 weekends, my wife and another man had stayed at his hotel, once in Feb and once in March. the first time my wife had paid the bill, the second time the man had paid the bill with cash, which he remembered because it is so unusual. I was shocked, still am. I went back and looked at the checks, 6 total, then I got and looked at the phone records for those months, Jan. Feb. and March, and there were several calls to a # i didn't recognize. I couldn't get the phone Co. to give me the name , so I called. A man answered and I told him my name and he got very upset, told me that it was over a long time ago and not to call again, and hung up. My wife called me yesterday and asked me not to do anything until she got home to explain, said that she loved me more than anything and would answer all of my questions and "make it up to me". She obviously got a call from the man, because she never even asked about it. She is coming home tomorrow. that's about where I stand right now. What should I do? What can I do? My emotions are all over the place. I really need somebody to give me some ideas on what I should do and how to proceed.

[This message edited by Bdell at 1:03 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Brandon808 posted 12/16/2013 01:10 AM


A man answered and I told him my name and he got very upset, told me that it was over a long time ago and not to call again, and hung up. completely contradicted by this...
My wife called me yesterday and asked me not to do anything until she got home to explain, said that she loved me more than anything and would answer all of my questions and "make it up to me". She obviously got a call from the man, because she never even asked about it.

After all if it was over "a long time ago" then how are they still in contact?

1. You don't have to make any decisions right now
2. The OM's BW (assuming he's married) should be informed. He can take his "don't call me again" and shove it up his arse.
3. NC letter
4. IC for her to figure why she did that. And no, your being apart is not an excuse. There are plenty of married couples who have had to live separately because of work and other reasons. It does not result in cheating. After all you didn't stray.
5. Full disclosure on your terms. That means a timeline and answering all your questions, but only when you're ready.

Tearsoflove posted 12/16/2013 01:30 AM

The first thing you need to insist on is absolutely no contact between your wife and this man. They obviously still have no difficulty contacting each other if she already knows what is going on.

Your wife may try to blame shift but as Brandon said, separation is not an excuse. She made a choice. You can take responsibility for your part of any marital difficulties you may have had but it absolutely 100% her fault that she cheated.

She may try to minimize the affair or claim it wasn't physical. I got the story that "we just kissed once and it was uncomfortable". Six months later I got the truth which was sex in pretty much every way possible. It's very unlikely that there wasn't sexual involvement because where there is opportunity there is usually activity.

His wife should be told. She deserves to know for the same reason you deserved to know. They both made decisions about your marriages and your health without your consent. They may claim to have used condoms but there are some diseases that are spread despite condom use. I know because I was given one. You simply can't tell if someone carries something just by looking at them. And if he cheated with your wife there may have been others.

The book "Not Just Friends" is excellent reading for what the betrayed spouse goes through and how to set up boundaries to prevent recurrence. It also gives very good reasons for why your wife needs to go 100% no contact with the guy and give you 100% transparency. Unwillingness to do both seriously compromises the likelihood of reconciliation.

Remember to eat and drink. If you can't stomach food, get some Ensure or Boost or some nutritional supplements to try to stay healthy during this. It's physically and emotionally draining and it is not likely to get better for some time.

Read up on the 180 in case you have to protect yourself from an unremorseful spouse. You'll find most of what you need in the healing library.

Best wishes.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 01:46 AM

She called me a minute ago, crying and promised that she wasn't cheating on me , NOW. That it ended after a couple of months, that she only was with him (sexually) once. I reminded her about what the B&B owner told me, and she swore on her life that the first weekend they didn't have sex, just kissed and cuddled as if that makes me feel any better. She asked for forgiveness, and apologized probably 20 times in 5 minutes. Said that she was lonely and it was just a fling, and that she would prove it was over in March , for me to "look into my heart" and forgive her. I can't eat or sleep I'm a nervous wreck.

Jrazz posted 12/16/2013 01:56 AM

Welcome to SI, Bdell. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Whether or not it is ongoing, the damage is done. Your wife needs to learn with a quickness that she cannot sweep her behavior under the rug and throw candy at you to make it go away.

Read through our Healing Library, and the targeted posts in JFO are very helpful as well.

You're about to embark on a hellish rollercoaster of emotion, but you WILL come out ok. That's why so many of us stick around - to tell you that it hurts like hell in the beginning but you're going to get through this.

Do not let your wife minimize. There's no "it was only" or "it was a mistake" or "I'm not that person anymore." She needs to take ownership and have some humility. It's the baseline of what you deserve. Take some deep breaths, and know that you're not alone.

Come post updates or just vent whenever you need to. The holidays are a little slower here because people are running around, but it is also a more confusing time for people who have just found out so people will come along to help you. I found out 3 years ago on the 17th of this month. It's ok to set the holidays aside if you need to grieve. They will be here next year and the year after that.

You take care of YOU, and lean on us.


Edited To Add: The OM (other man) likely paid cash because he is married and was more adept at covering his tracks than your wife. When you have the strength it would be the right thing to do to present evidence to his wife. Just something for the back burner while you get your bearings.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:58 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 01:57 AM

I don't know. I can't understand why? Our sex life has, to say the least, been active. In fact, during my time away from home, our sex life was ravenous. when we would have long weekends together, all we did was eat , sleep and have sex. I have always been or tried to be romantic, and we talked, then and now, constantly.
AT Christmas, right before this happened, she cried and pleaded for me to allow her to quit her job and come and stay with me. that she couldn't bare to be without me. And after I got home in May we were as happy as newlyweds.

Jrazz posted 12/16/2013 01:59 AM

I don't know. I can't understand why? Our sex life has, to say the least, been active. In fact, during my time away from home, our sex life was ravenous. when we would have long weekends together, all we did was eat , sleep and have sex. I have always been or tried to be romantic, and we talked, then and now, constantly.

This isn't on you. There's not a "why" in the equation that can be answered with something that points the blame at you. Unhappiness in a relationship is one thing. There is zero excuse for cheating. Do NOT blame yourself.

mike7 posted 12/16/2013 01:59 AM

don't forgive her. When she gets back go the complete 180. Tell her to tell you everything in every gory detail or you will see a lawyer. then see a lawyer anyway.

find out who the OM is, the force your wife to tell his wife.

Obviously, your wife betrayed you. it sounds hard, but that's my advice.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 02:02 AM

Thank you all so much. I cried yesterday and I haven't done that since I was a kid. I go from rage to deep sadness to wishing it would all just go away. During one of my angry moments I called his number again. I left a message that if he didn't tell his wife , I would. I don't even know if he has a wife. But if he does, she is going to know.

Jrazz posted 12/16/2013 02:05 AM

Be prepared for OM to have a story ready for his wife about how you are a crazy axe murderer who just escaped from the asylum.

Hold your cards close to your chest. Collect evidence. Stay calm. Do not rely on your wife to do the right thing until she is out of the fog about what she has done.

mike7 posted 12/16/2013 02:10 AM

whatever you do, please, please be hard on her. I've seen countless BS's, usually men, pussy-foot and whine and mewl to their spouse. it never works. The WS just loses respect for you.

she doesn't deserve your forgiveness now. she betrayed you and has been lying to you. another man has been banging your wife and she didn't tell you about it. got it? does that deserve forgiveness?

remember, you had to find out for yourself. she was lying to you.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 02:10 AM

Its 3:00 am and the phone has been ringing constantly. My wife keeps trying to call me, but I don't want to answer. thankfully I don't have to work till after the "Holidays". Why? why?

Jrazz posted 12/16/2013 02:16 AM

Here's a thread that describes the "180"

It's a tool that many of us have used to get our power back when we feel like we're bleeding out in the relationship.

I don't think it's constructive to be "hard" on the WS during this time, if you can help it at all. I also don't think that it's constructive to beg or plead, again if we can help it. The thing is, there's so much rage and sadness in the beginning that you can only do your best to control what you can, and not to be hard on yourself when it all comes tumbling out.

The 180 is about reserving your energy for yourself. I think it's very important to stand up for yourself and be strong, but I also remember saying awful, hateful things to FWH that in retrospect just caused more damage to my own heart as well as his.

Just try to hang onto who YOU are. It's scary, but you will find yourself again through all this mess. I promise.

mike7 posted 12/16/2013 02:25 AM

I respectfully disagree jrazz. I think he should ask her to move out. he won't of course. but he should. she needs to see consequences for her actions. Then he has time to think about it.

But this is what will happen, she will beg him not to tell the OM's wife. she'll be protecting her AP. Obviously she's still in touch with him. Interestingly, even though she was out of town, her AP knew how to contact her immediately. Pretty close contact don't you think?

IMO he needs to ignore her begging and pleading.

Jrazz posted 12/16/2013 02:31 AM

I don't think we're disagreeing in the big-picture sense, mike7.

I don't think that he should respond to begging or pleading either.

If this was truly an incident that can be encapsulated in the scenario that he feels is put before him, and he is interested in reconciliation, communication is going to be key - even in these early stages of anguish.

Believe me, I was a fucking trainwreck for months - if not the first year. I'm just planting seeds for productivity if he has a shred of hope that his wife may have the capacity to atone for what she has done.

It's SUPER early to be able to tell what's going to happen next, Bdell. I want you to protect yourself first and foremost, as my other posts have indicated. There's an instinct for many to hurt the WS back in the beginning, and I don't want to see you spending any heart or time on that. Right now this is about you piecing together your new reality and figuring out what you want to do next.

Best advice I EVER got here? You don't HAVE to make any decisions right now. Not for you, and certainly not for her. You get to take as much time as you need. Period.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 02:39 AM

I don't want to do any of this. When I read about all of the issues other people have faced and how long it has taken to repair their marriages, it fills me with despair. How can I ever trust her again? How can I sleep with her after she has f**ked somebody else? Our kids are in college, what do I tell them? Do I have to eat this great big sh*t snadwich, and learn to like it? 4 days ago I had the best wife ever, now I've got a sl*t for a wife? If this is Karma , what did I ever do to deserve this? Who have I ever screwed over so bad that I have to deal with this? How can she possibly prove anything to me now? 5 years? I've got to wait 5 years before this is over? Or will it EVER be over?

mike7 posted 12/16/2013 02:45 AM

it will never be over friend. she has permanently changed your marriage. that's why I said don't immediately forgive her. I agree with Jrazz, you don't have to make ANY decision now. If you just jump to her tears and say I forgive you, you WILL regret it.

I'm sorry you are here. But prepare yourself as best you can before she returns. If she tries to protect her AP, you will know she isn't serious.

Try to take care of yourself. Don't get drunk. That doesn't help anything. Try to keep your wits about you. And don't cave in to her. She doesn't deserve it, as you now know.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 02:49 AM

I finally answered her calls and I've told her to go to her sister's to stay. I simply can't face her right now. I asked her if her boyfriend was married, was she still involved with him and when was the last time they saw each other. She told me he was married, that she didn't have his number anymore until he called her to tell her that I called him.That she hasn't see or talked to him since she ended it in March of that year. That he was NOT her boyfriend or anything else to her. that what she did was horrible and inexcusable and that she would do anything I say. I told her to make sure, I don't know or care how, that his wife knows everything. That she tell the kids why we are not having Christmas. I called her a few choice names. I wish I hadn't but I couldn't control my mouth.

Bdell posted 12/16/2013 02:54 AM

Too late on the drinking part. I think what I want to do is drink until I pass out. It's the only way I'm going to get any sleep. Don't worry , I'm not going to do anything rash or silly. Just sit by the fireplace and listen to some tunes and detox with my old buddy George Dickel

mike7 posted 12/16/2013 03:04 AM


be safe friend. Its good that she's staying at her sister's. I think you had a good start. Now you can think about things.

I did the same thing. I immediately told my wife to leave, take her AP. I didn't want her anymore. She immediately fell on her knees, blah, blah, begged for forgiveness.

the problem is.... i'm still not sure if I DO want her. I prefer reconciliation for others. And I hope you eventually mend your marriage. But in my case, after all this time, I still can't get the mind-movies out of my head. I still can't decide whether I can stomach her.

So I know, that it will be with you for awhile.

While you were away from your family, trying to provide for them, she was fucking another guy, having little trips to Bed and Breakfasts, etc. Wait till you find out that she didn't use protection, so that she exposed you to STD's.. sorry to say that. Of course, she will say they used a condom.

Anyway... take care of yourself. I wish you the best. Please post here when you can. There's a great group of people here. They will help. We can sympathize because we've been/are where you are.

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