Today is NOT a good day for me. At six years out, today should not have me feeling as badly as I do. I have a very 'Sorry you feel like this' husband, which is not even close to what I should have at this point. We have been heavy in the A season, with 2 more months to go, and this is the worst year yet. This whole year has been the worst, so much harder than year 1 or 2. I guess it should be expected, since this is the first year I/we've really attempted to face what the hell happened then and been happening since. The other years, I had hope. Hope that if we ever finally did open this box that he would step up, get it and dammit, hope that he would want and work to help repair this! Now my hope is gone and after this long I just don't know what to do with all of the things I feel. All of the years of lies and disrespect and bs just feel heaped on top of the actual cheating, that I feel like I'm suffocating!
I realize I'm depressed (duh!). Just called my Dr. to verify when my next appointment is, and OMG it was last Friday. Small thing in the big picture, but right now it seems that everywhere I turn every.single.thing is harder or more complicated than it should be. I wake up ever day and have to make a conscious choice NOT to think "She was worth losing and ruining everything, and I am still not worth fixing it". I know that thinking is wrong and bs, I KNOW that, but six years out I should not still be having to make a choice NOT to think this. He is a weak and selfish man and I am struggling to manage everyday life tasks while trying to deal with six years of shit feelings. I am not managing well. My tree (while finally decorated), looks worse than Charlie Brown's, I have bought ZERO presents for my five children, my house is a disaster, and I don't care. And I have to add a stupid whine here...WTF was I thinking last year to get an Elf on the Shelf?!? LOL My kids are a tad let down by Flash this Christmas, they're lucking if he moves 2 feet from the day before (very unimaginative elf compared to last year), I needed this guilt why?
I'd give anything to go to sleep tonight and wake up some time after Valentine's!
It could be worse. It was so much worse not that very long ago. He has at least partially removed his head from his a**. He no longer blames me and I get very little of the typical FW defensive, blame shifting crap. He looks so very sad and sorry when ever I talk about things (and just being able to talk about things now is huge, as it was always off-limits before). But it is not enough, not even close. I see the pain on his face, I know he is sorry. When I looked at him before I had so much anger. He has managed to do enough that I rarely feel that anymore. Now I just look at him and feel so sad, all I can think is: What could have been.........You fool, we could have been great, we could have been amazing!
Thanks to anyone who read through my long winded boohoo. Happy Holidays to us all!
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman
I am glad that you are getting in to see your doctor. It will be hard to figure out your future path if you are depressed.
Maybe you can reach down and find the energy to move flash around. I am sure if you are not feeling creative that if you asked for ideas on what/where you should put flash that the members here can help with ideas.
Take some small steps. We can cheer you on.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers and I hope that you some of the Christmas Spirit can cut through this depression.
Opus, how long are you going to remain with a man who I'm-sorry-you-feel-that-ways his way through your marriage?
It's okay, even this far out, to say, "Hey! I expect MORE from my partner!" SIX YEARS, and the head is only PARTIALLY out?!
I'm glad you're seeing the doctor. Addressing depression is important. I'd consider that it needs to be addressed from a different angle, as well.
Millions of hugs to you.
I hope this helps.
The fist 1-1.5 years I spent doing everything wrong, no SI or support, so I tried the 'Nice your way back' approach. The next three were us just plugging along, better in some ways and deteriorating in others. There had been a huge emotional abuse component to our preA M and that first year, that was thankfully becoming a part of our past during this time, I truly had hope. Then we ended up pregnant...SURPRISE...and that sent me to a pretty bad place. Up to then, I had been looking forward to my last 2 going to school full time, had high hopes of focusing on me again. He was (still is) a difficult baby/toddler and about a year ago I had a mini melt down. I just needed to get away from him, so I joined a gym with childcare :) Between the gym, the weight loss, and finally getting on ADD meds, I was really turning things around made time for me and made some great friends. I hadn't realized how ALONE I felt, having a friend I could finally confide in was one of the best thing that's happened for me in a long time.
Then it all just sort of hit, the abuse, the affair, the years of lies I needed to face it. Found SI, and can you believe my shock at realizing I wasn't crazy after all?! That the way we'd handled (NOT handled) his affair wasn't right, or healthy and it didn't need to be our normal, and I DIDN'T have to just accept this!?
So I pushed for change, and here I am. I don't yet know what I'm going to do with 'us', but I will continue to work on me. I've read a lot, tons really, and I'm working very hard to figure myself out and fix what ever issues I have that have allowed me to live like this. But this year is still very hard. It feels like the first or what the first should have felt like, except we have six years behind us, another child...
And yes cancrushed, it is VERY hard for me to see others post years after, that they are done. Very conflicting feelings!
Heading out to hopefully buy a present or two, enlisting H to move the elf tonight, and then try to get some sleep.
Yes you need to get ADs to help you through this, but I can't help feeling that the sooner you get him out of your life, the sooner all this weight will be lifted too. You only get one life and the years pass very quickly.You've wasted 6 years trying to "stay happy". You know that hasn't worked. You deserve to be genuinely happy. Hugs.
Shared all of my feelings (again) with FWH last night. Convo had it's ups and downs and as usual he didn't have a lot to say, but I felt slightly better getting it out. He had the opportunity to do something right and failed (again), he only said one stupid thing versus the multitude of stupid crap he used to, and recognized fairly quickly what he'd done. Still not enough to see R on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through each day (each moment!) as they come.
I knew yesterday would be one of my worst trigger days, the next being Valentine's, so I have 2 months left of our A season - and I plan to work very very hard at using these 2 months to focus on ME, and getting myself somewhere healthier! It would be great if he chose to do the same with himself, but that is his choice to make. He isn't much happier with the state of things than I am. But like I told him, It's his life, if it doesn't look the way he wants it to, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. He's given me, and I've accepted, the responsibility for us long enough, it's time for him to start picking up the slack for awhile!!
He's been a selfish a** for a very long time, sitting back and repealing the rewards of my hard work, and it hasn't gotten us far (of course!); it has only kept us together. I can not continue to grow much longer without just completely outgrowing him. No matter what I choose to do (stay or one day go), he will get left behind if he doesn't figure this out soon.
Again, thanks for the support. I very much needed it yesterday!
I wish I had some great words of support to offer you. All I can offer is an ear that will listen and a shoulder for crying on. Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength to get through this.
PS. We also have an elf. She just jumps from the mantel above the fireplace, to the bookshelves, an to the various places on the Christmas tree. I hope this gives you some ideas for your elf.
Together 17 years
Two great kids.
He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to
I was curious…have you guys who are further out and still in limbo been to counseling? Are you still going to counseling? Are you willing to return to counseling?
I believe that if my marriage had survived, I would have written your post.
Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave was pretty much my entire M.
I felt like I needed a good enough reason to leave. For some reason I fel the subtle and not so subtle emotional abuse wasn't enough - I waited for a DD instead.
Even that didn't quite do the trick because he and I had become master rug sweepers and gaslighters. In the end it was his total lack of remorse forced my hand well before I had the strength or courage to free myself.
Someone here once said it is incredibly difficult to not attempt R with what appears to be a remorseful spouse.
I have a very 'Sorry you feel like this' husband, which is not even close to what I should have at this point.
In which case you don't have a FWH, you have a Dry Drunk FWH. You're in Limbo still, it is an awful place to be.
[This message edited by SBB at 5:57 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
You are finally digging into some of these issues, fear holds us back as well so it took awhile, and once we become brave enough to face these issues its like a curtain finally gets pulled away from our eyes and we are like "wow, I can't believe I have lived like this for all this time".
Don't be afraid to seek IC even just for yourself to help you dig thru some of your own issues. And you both should see if you can do MC if you want to stay in this marriage. Avoiding and rug sweeping won't make things go away. Communication and learning to talk are key.
Life, and the choices we face, are very complicated.
I am trying to follow them myself, it is not easy. I am 6.5 years out and just found out wh has not stopped his ea, pa yes ea no. I can only take care of me at this point and you need to focus on you. Sometimes just doing, even if it is for the sake of others helps us to keep moving. Like you did with setting up the tree and pulling out Flash. Hang in there, good thoughts sent your way.
I will not do MC right now. He should be in IC as should I, it's on the list! I went once so that I could lay out my argument for why I won't, counselor agreed and we are in the process of setting things up individually. I'll work on WTF is wrong with me that I've put up with this and he'll work on whatever he chooses to.
[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:16 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]