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Locked posted 12/16/2013 09:45 AM

really don't know where to start we been together for 15 years

He works away and been seeing someone down there.

He says its just a sex thing and that it's me he truly loves but he wants to see her for a few months. He says she's the total opposite of me glamorous (in a really tarty way) and exciting now she got hold of my number and texting me horrible messages.

I really don't now what to do still love him. How do you get through this?
Don't want to think about letting go I am in so much pain

Lalagirl posted 12/16/2013 09:54 AM

I will try to be as gentle as I can be because you're new and I know you are hurting badly.

Your H is not only eating cake, he is downright cruel and abusive to go outside of the marriage for sex.

Cake eater = close the bakery.

If it were me, I'd put his shit in Hefty bags, put it on the lawn and say buh-bye...

And as far as the OW goes - save the texts and have an attorney write a cease and desist letter to her.

I'm so sorry...I'm very angry for you!

Please read about the 180 in the Healing Library - you need this for YOU. You cannot fix your WH nor "nice" him back. He seems pretty dead set on what he (thinks) he wants...

Big hugs,


TheClimb posted 12/16/2013 10:07 AM


Here is what your husband is proposing, "I want to have a wife and a girlfriend". I am going to offer you advise that I know is hard to take and even harder to follow. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and perhaps not have a few lingering questions remaining after almost five years had I known about SI.

THE AFFAIR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Therefore, you cannot "nice" him back. The very best thing you can do for yourself and the only way to save your marriage is to let him go. Calmly tell him that "she" is welcome to have him, that you will be seeing a divorce attorney tomorrow. TODAY, take one-half of the money out of your joint accounts and put it in an account in your name only. Get yourself a credit card only in your name. Don't take his phone calls. I know this seems counter productive to saving your marriage, but YOUR HUSBAND HAS A GIRLFRIEND that he "wants to see for a few months". You need to wake him up. If not, he will continue to have sex with both of you for months, years if you let him. Married people do not date others.

Personally, I'm not sharing. The day I finally told the nasty whore that she could keep my husband was the day the affair ended. Don't make the same mistake so many of us made; pull that rug out from underneath of him. Let him know his wife is not going to put up with his bullshit. You have been alone when he is working, do you participating in a little "sex thing" on the side? Of course not. What a jerk!

ascian posted 12/16/2013 10:47 AM

I'm so sorry, Locked. Your husband is being a tool, and treating you terribly. If it's just "a sex thing" he has many better options than unilaterally bringing another person into his bed.

It's alright that you still love him, there's nothing wrong in that. After I found out about my wife's affair I still loved her. One shock doesn't often kill off the emotion, it's how the aftermath is handled that can decide one way or the other.

You don't have to make a decision on your long term future right now. You've had a huge hit, and that alone can be overwhelming. You should, though, start taking steps to protect yourself.

Take a look in the Healing Library, there are a lot of good articles in there to help you gain some perspective on your situation, and to give you some tools to start healing yourself and, should your husband show true remorse, your marriage. In particular, "The 180" is a good place for you to start. It sounds pretty harsh on the first read through, but it helps to remember that the 180 isn't about punishing your wandering spouse, or about repairing your marriage, it's about helping you to feel (and be) strong when everything going on around you makes you want to feel small and weak.

In your case I would recommend talking to a lawyer about what your options are. I'm not saying you should look at divorce yet, but it's good to know what your options are and it may be that a letter to your husband on a lawyer's letterhead is what he needs to snap out of the fog he's in.

For me, I started looking around for marriage counselors at the same time I was contacting lawyers. In part that helped me to not feel like I was defaulting to divorce, and in part because I wanted to be able to present my wife with a list of counselors and say "We're going to be going to one of these people, let's see if we can act like a couple and figure out one together."

SI has a decent journaling tool in your profile. It's secure (enough), and really helped me organize my thoughts and emotions in the first weeks after I discovered my wife's affair. Sometimes I'd use it several times in a day, sometimes I'd have weeks between entries, but it was a good and centering exercise when I did.

There is hope, and we're all here pulling for you.

Lovedyoumore posted 12/16/2013 11:51 AM

So sorry to have you here. The thing about your story that glares at me is the texting coming from the OW. Totally takes this crap to another level. There is no way I could stay with a man who lets this go on. He should be in healing protection mode for you right now. Not tomorrow or next month, but now.

If he is aware of the horrible text messages and still with OW after DDay, I think you have your answer. Drop him like the trash he is. The 180 is the only way to go here.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:51 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Pass posted 12/16/2013 13:44 PM

I'm so sorry, Locked. Your husband is being an arsehole, and playing games with your emotions.

It's not an easy thing to do, but you need to try to wake him the fuck up. It has to become very clear that you are not willing to put up with this shit. If the other woman is so glamorous and exciting, tell him he can move in with her.

That will either send him scurrying after her, or it will make him consider leaving her, OR it will make him take the affair further underground. But the first step is letting him know that this is not okay.

None of this is easy.

Locked posted 12/17/2013 04:12 AM

Thanks for all your replies

you are right I know what
I need to do but it's hard I need to let go for now for my own wellbeing if we got a future or not I don't deserve to be treated like this

painfulpast posted 12/17/2013 04:31 AM

the fact that your H is fine with his girlfriend sending you horrible messages is disgusting. Him having a girlfriend is disgusting, but letting her treat you in abusive ways and saying he still wants to see her and keep you? Sick. Very sick. Your husband has some serious issues, and you may not want to think about being single, but you should be thinking that you deserve better than this asshole.

Seriously, buy a box of hefty bags and start bagging. You'll be amazed how quickly he changes. In the remote situation where he doesn't, at least you threw him away in the best possible way - without respect for him, just as he is showing you.

Locked posted 12/19/2013 10:24 AM

Put his stuff in black bags blocked his and her number got a temporary payg number too.

Told him off don't want to speak to him I need to be left alone for a good few months to heal and get some clear thinking going.

Why is this hurting me the innocent party so much when they seem to bare no pain or guilt ahhh!!!

gonnabe2016 posted 12/19/2013 14:12 PM

Because, Locked. They are bottom-feeders. They are living in the world of non-reality. He won't think this shit is so funny when he's giving you half and paying child support (if you have kids.....)

I am so glad that you took charge and made yourself inaccessible to those two cruel idiots. It made me smile. Good for you.

Dare2Trust posted 12/19/2013 20:18 PM


You WH (Wayward Husband) daring to tell you he wants to continue this affair "for a few months" is the most heartless and cruel thing I've read in a long, long time.

As for this OW texting you horrible messages: Your WH is an asshole for giving this woman your contact information -- Do as you've been advised: If OW continues to contact you - Find an attorney who will help STOP HER!

NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 20:24 PM

My heart just breaks for you, Locked! I'm so sorry you are here, but I can tell you that SI has been a sanity saver for me. Keep posting here for support. Nobody deserves this hell we have been plunged into. Your WH is an ass and OW sounds like just the bitch he deserves. Take care of yourself. This sucks big time, but we are all in this together!

ProbableIceCream posted 12/20/2013 05:43 AM

My XWW told me she wanted to 'take a break.' I filed for divorce within two weeks because staying married no longer offered me any comfort and doing the free lawyer consult made me feel like I could at least be free, because I knew what to expect worst case.

Locked posted 12/20/2013 05:57 AM

Been reading some of the healing library some great stuff in there

I am sure it's mlc classic symptoms he's 42

I am finding it hard to let go I really need to work on detachment I think him saying we be fine in a couple of months is just cruel it would have been easier (not easy) for him just to leave me completely not leave me with some hope. He's also chickened out of ending it completely he's passed that onto me he's a week man

shiloe posted 12/20/2013 06:20 AM

He says its just a sex thing and that it's me he truly loves but he wants to see her for a few months. He says she's the total opposite of me glamorous (in a really tarty way) and exciting now she got hold of my number and texting me horrible messages

I would bet he does not tell the OW she is just a sex thing. He probably tells her he loves her and you are the "terrible wife" he does not love anymore but he can't leave right now, because of xyz, etc. Cheater handbook, page 20

If she is harassing you- she must want to be with him and perhaps he has been talking of a future with her and promising that too. He is playing both of you.

jjct posted 12/20/2013 06:22 AM

Weak, a coward, and like gonnabe said, bottom-feeders.
His behavior is cruel, sick, and intolerable.

Have you seen an attorney?
Find out if you can either
- change the locks
- add new locks

Congratulations on cutting off contact! You are strong.
Keep loving yourself!
That's how to detach.
Instead of pining over what you thought you had - remember the sick cruelty.
I'm so sorry - you don't deserve this, and it has nothing to do with you. It's all on him.
Keep posting. We got your back.

Locked posted 12/20/2013 07:03 AM

I have known 2 weeks now still in shock I did wonder why he is was staying at his barracks do much but didn't really give it a second thought. Ow works in his barracks. I think he told me before someone else did. When I found out I was a basket case trolling fb trying to see what she looked like was imagining a supermodel. She got my number from someone at the barracks under the premise she had lost it. The person who give it didn't realise the situation.

She friended me on fb that's when I saw her pic Omg tart is too nice a word I have now blocked her. She then text me yo say I am no oil painting no wonder hubs was eyeing her up.

First week hubs was phoning me all the time saying please font give up on him he just wants excitement got a few months begging me to wait

since joining here is have cut all contact our need to get to a better place before I deal with it

Locked posted 12/25/2013 05:22 AM

Trying the 180 thanks for telling me about it

it seems to be working noticed a change in prat head hubby

I so want to phone him today though it will undo all the good I have done

but struggling ahhhhh

painfulpast posted 12/25/2013 08:05 AM

Locked - you CAN do this. Your 'husband' is acting like a real scumbag and you should treat him as such. I know - you love him. But that's it - you love the 'him' that used to be. This pig that lets his girlfriend send you nasty messages? That's not the man you married, and that ass deserves NOTHING!!

You are better than those two, and karma is real so don't worry about that.

You mentioned 'barracks'. If he is in the military, tell their CO. Show him/her the texts that OW sent you, and what H said to you. Let THEM have some real consequences. Why not? Screw them.

Merry Christmas Locked. We're here for you. It will be slow today, but we are here.

movingforward13 posted 12/25/2013 08:34 AM

You can do this....
Honestly, file for divorce. I know you aren't ready for that but trust me, you file for divorce, he will either shape up and drop her or show you who he really is.

By the way, they are military.... Find our your husband's CO and let him know your husband is having an affair and that you will not stand for it.

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