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I don't know what to make of this

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pregnantandsad posted 12/16/2013 12:08 PM

WH up and left me one day 5 months ago. I was pregnant and we have a DD4. He never showed any remorse, regret, etc. He seemingly left and never looked back. He sees DD4 on his days off, he hardly even looks at me when he picks her up and drops her off. I have never seen any sadness or regret on his face. He only contacts me when it's about money. On Saturday afternoon I got this email from him and I don't know what to make of it:

So. This is very hard for me because I'm pretty sure you hate me... I miss you. I miss my little girl. And I miss my family. I want to know my new little girl. And I know now how horribly wrong I was. I know you will never take me back. And I know how horribly bad I've hurt you. I never wanted this but I made one bad choice after the other. I was a stuborn hurt bastard. And I was angry. And I was selfish. These are the things I've wanted to tell you since the day we were moving every thing out of our house. But knowing how much your family hates me I knew things would never be the same so I thought it was a lost cause. I thought we could never ever get back to normal again. And all of it was my fault. I'm so very sorry more than I know you would ever believe. You have every right to hate me. I'm not telling you this because I want to hurt you or cause more problems. I just needed to tell you because I was too stupid to do so before. I know nothing will come of it. I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I won't send you anymore message s like this I promise this wil be the only and last. I just needed you to know.

I couldn't even read it when I first opened it. I just saw bits and pieces and cried. I was always afraid he would wake up but it would be too late, and now it is. I keep going back and forth between sad and angry. Why now? Why not months ago? Why not before I gave birth alone? Why not before he moved in with OW? And I am angry there is not even any mention of OW. That of course is the biggest issue for me and he didn't even acknowledge it. I am at a loss, I don't know what to think of all this. I have not responded to him and don't think I will.

[This message edited by pregnantandsad at 12:09 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 12/16/2013 12:12 PM

Crickets. that sorry ass bastard gets crickets.

It could be he is extraordinarily cruel. It could the OW. It could be he is wanting ego kibbles. FTG. Crickets.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 12:12 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

isthis4real posted 12/16/2013 12:21 PM

I'm inclined to believe things are not going so well with his whore and wants you to be his soft landing.

StillLivin posted 12/16/2013 12:31 PM

I agree. Soft landing. Maybe he is sorry, but it is sorry for himself, and sorry he is ashamed.
Honestly, crickets is best.
I know me, if I got this. Crickets would be mute. I'd probably make him feel worse.
XH, I don't hate you. I don't even care about you anymore.
Best of luck.

ruby44 posted 12/16/2013 12:32 PM

I don't think you should respond either.
First, he did not ask you for a response.
Did not ask if he could come back.
Did not tell you the A was over.
Did not tell you what he is doing to change his behavior.
Did not ask you for R.
He is doing the "oh my now I am sad, but since everybody hates me for what I did, their is no going back, I cant fix this."

I have a BIL (my WH's brother) who cheated on his 2nd wife (probably the first too but I digress) well she told everyone on both sides. The OW was his sister's best friend ( I wont call her my SIL, you need to earn that title). It was ugly to say the least. But he realized he had made a mistake, and he went to her family and apologized for hurting her. Promised to work hard to be the man she deserves and you know what. They forgave him and support their efforts toward R. They are still working hard on their marriage but he took the first step back.
What your WH did was "nothing" except self pity. I think something went wrong with OW and he was sad. End of story.
I wish you strength.

lisaloo posted 12/16/2013 12:36 PM

I agree-he's wanting you to be a soft landing. IMO, this is one of those 'test the waters' emails, just to see if perhaps you are still an option, should he need you to be one. Don't let him have anything other than crickets.

suckstobeme posted 12/16/2013 12:39 PM

Wow. I'm so sorry he did this. I know we all think we want to see those words come from them, but I can only imagine it would be pure torture once it really happens.

I find it so cruel and so self centered. He wanted you out of his life and that's what he got. So, now because things aren't so great in his world, he believes he can just open that door a crack and see if he can worm back through. All of this while you are taking care of two very small children? Only an exceedingly selfish person would do that after knowing full well the hurt he's already caused. Live with the choices and let the BS be to heal.

I know it's hard to acknowledge, but I would find it hard not to cry or feel very hurt by this. The best is what everyone else said - to give him the same crickets he gave you when you were begging for him to see and hear you.

I'm sorry.

nowiknow23 posted 12/16/2013 12:45 PM

It reads to me like someone trying to assuage their own guilt. It's how he feels about himself, not about his actions, his choices, or the impact it had on you and your kids. "I miss this, I miss that, everyone hates me..." The entire message is about him regretting (NOT feeling remorse - big difference) how much HE'S suffering from his own choices. Um, gee. Tough shit.

There's nothing there that warrants a response. ((((pregnantandsad)))) I'm sorry you are hurting.

NewMom0220 posted 12/16/2013 12:51 PM

This made me cry. I cry because I've lived your same exact experience…and also because I so desperately wanted to hear or read these words from my STBX but I never got them.

Stay strong. There are a lot of people on here who have more experience with this and will give better advice than I could.

Sending you prayers for strength.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:56 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

hexed posted 12/16/2013 13:03 PM

*I, I, I, I,......*

that's all I saw in that email

Pass posted 12/16/2013 13:10 PM

He's throwing a bunch of words at you, but no actions. I'm sure this email hurts like hell, and has you second-guessing yourself, but he isn't even making any offers of what he will do to make the situation better.

Everyone else is offering good advice to not even respond at all. However, I would just like to venture that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you sent back a short response. Maybe something along these lines:

Fuck you and your sorries.

7yrsflushed posted 12/16/2013 13:20 PM


I counted at least 29 I's in that email. Guilt if that is truly what he feels is not the same as remorse. He showed you exactly who he was when he walked out. He looked you in the face when he walked out but he cant' do the same in his supposed apology which really isn't even an apology. As others have stated he is likely setting you up as plan B. IMO don't respond and keep moving forward with your life. I know how hard that is but move forward with protecting yourself. Don't open the door to let him back in, NC equal no new hurts.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:36 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

Lola7 posted 12/16/2013 13:24 PM

Forward it to the OW. lol

damncutekitty posted 12/16/2013 13:37 PM

He is trying to make himself feel good at the expense of your feelings. It's just more selfishness. Don't answer him!

LearningToRun posted 12/16/2013 13:40 PM

I agree with Hexed - All i saw was the number of times he used "I" and "me"

its still all about him.

I'd say this is what regret looks like, but NOT remorse.

Also, there is a lot of subtle blameshifting in it.
"...But i was angry" "..but your family hates me"
Poor little muffin

crickets, my dear. And hugs for you.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 1:43 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

pregnantandsad posted 12/16/2013 14:24 PM

Thanks everyone. I agree so much with everything all of you have said. I noticed all the "I's" and the fact that there was not even a real apology anywhere in there. It wasn't hard for him to walk away, it wasn't hard for him to shatter his daughter, but it was hard for him to write a half-assed email?

And I agree with everyone saying he wasn't even willing to do anything. Just like he needed to admit he may have been wrong so he could feel less guilty or something. I wish his family meant enough to him that he didn't care what had to be done to save it- he would try it all. But, he is not that person and I need to keep moving forward.

My gut was crickets, thank you all for confirming that is the right choice.

Undefinabl3 posted 12/16/2013 14:24 PM

I don't know what to make of this

OW dumped me so now i need my back up plan....TAG YOUR IT!

Ok, so jabs aside - here's the situation.

1. She's either left him and he's not really wanting to come back for you, but he doesn't want to be alone.

2. He's actually starting to come out of the fog, but he's still got his head up his ass and its still all about him. Here's the thing - the email will be nothing but I's because if he is just coming out of the fog, then he's not going to know how to plug into your needs yet (from fWS here, its the action that matters....we will get it wrong, but as long as we are actually trying, striving, working on it - not dicking you around....)

So - what do you want to do?

Do you want to give him another chance? In that case then you need to get your ducks in a row and actually tell him what he will need to do in order to even has a hells bells of a chance. IC, MC (he starts it), Transparency, full timeline, ect - has to be established.


do you want to let it go fully and finally.

This is your fence, you get to choose a side first - it will then be up to him if you stay on that side or not.

Take2 posted 12/16/2013 14:25 PM

What everyone else said: "soft landing".. "Regret - not remorse"... "something went wrong in lala land"... Or perhaps he wants something, or has realized how much D will impact his pocketbook, and he is trying to butter you up.

Whatever his motivation - that email if a far cry from crawling on his knees through busted glass begging forgiveness. It is totally focused on how he feels. And talk is cheap! Can you imagine doing a tenth of the kind of damage he has done and thinking that an email like that would have any impact on making things better...? Really, really lame!

Crickets! Cry it out as much as you need. Then when you are ready, keep moving forward.


Gemini71 posted 12/16/2013 14:52 PM

When my STBXH told me how 'sorry' he was for cheating on me, I had one response.

"Some things sorry doesn't fix."

You are waaay past that point now. So sorry you have to deal with his half-assed apologies. You deserve so much more.


lifestoshort posted 12/16/2013 18:13 PM

Id write back with one word

meaning, i dont give a shit cause this is probably a bunch of lies cause his world is falling apart

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