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Young & Unmarried - Trying to R and seriously need some support

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lilmonkey posted 12/16/2013 12:50 PM

-Please note, this is a long read but I would truly appreciate if you got through it. I have never posted here before, I have barely told anyone this story, and I just needed to let it all out-

Hi all, I'm new here. I have only told a few friends about my WBF's TNS (two-night stand) because I knew all of my friends had the "once a cheater, always a cheater" stance and would not approve of me trying to R. It has now been 10 months since the TNS and we are in a good place, but I am still struggling, partially because I feel like I have no one to talk to. I just want to tell my story here and receive support from people who have gone through similar situations.

Basically, my WBF met in October of 2012, and immediately hit it off. Inseparable, great emotional and physical chemistry, sometimes I felt like I was in a trance when I was with him. I was just so happy.
The only thing that was a little "sketchy" was my WBF's best friend, the future OW. They had been family friends for 6 years, and my WBF's other best friend, who he has known since he was born, is the OW's cousin. So, they were all kind of one big group of family friends. My WBF and the future OW were on-and-off for 4 years before we started dating. They dated for a few months once when they were younger and then just decided to stay best friends but they would always end up back with each other. My WBF described it as a very unhealthy relationship, she would constantly tease him, hook up with him and then decide she didn't want to be with him. She would also constantly tell him about all the guys that were interested in her, etc.

WBF hadn't had a relationship since because everyone he was with didn't compare to this future OW. I'm almost positive that every girl he was "seeing" (but uncommitted to) ended up leaving him or the relationship didn't work because he knew or they knew that he still had feelings for the future OW.

Then comes me. We met immediately hit it off, and were dating within weeks of meeting each other. I knew that he was still in contact with future OW, because they were best friends and were always in contact, just like how I would be with one of my gal-pals. Some times it bugged me, but most times it didn't because he had a lot of female friends that he went to school with and was quite close with. They even hung out sometimes too - obviously he didn't tell me that they hung out (I only found out post d-day) but if he did, I wouldn't have minded at the time.

Mind you that our relationship was quite physical at this point, and I think that is what maybe led to the TNS. From November to late January, we talked but we also had a lot of sex and were very physically intimate. I think it was just our excitement from meeting someone so new and amazing.

So then comes the February 1st weekend. WBF is going on a weekend trip with one of his best friends that I mentioned earlier, because his best friend is going to see his older male cousin. Who is this older male's cousin's sister? The future OW... So of course, she tags along as well. I was sort of skeptical at first because my WBF basically told me that he was going on a trip with his ex, but she was also going to see her brother so I couldn't get mad at him for that. I actually texted him drunk on one of the nights saying "I'm honestly not comfortable with you being there with her", and he responded "you're the one I like, don't worry" or something along those lines.

When he came back from the trip 2 days later, he didn't seem off but at times he seemed really depressed or he didn't want to go out. We had a formal dance together the weekend following, which had been planned months in advanced, and he seemed happy. Then I made him a very special surprise on Valentines Day, which he was also ecstatic about. There were just all these events every weekend that brought us closer. Between February and end of March, our relationship turned from something very physical into something very emotional. He became my best friend, we started talking way more and we started becoming very weird with each other (hyper, being silly, showing our innermost private things, etc). Mid-march, we went to a concert together which meant a lot to both of us and I ended up saying I love you that night. He told me he loved me back. We were ecstatic and just so in love for the next 2 weeks, until d-day.

I was in the car with him & family on the way to dinner. We were going on a weekend trip in like 2-3 days. I saw him texting on his phone beside me - he was texting his friend, and the message said "When are you going to tell her?" to which he immediately pulled his phone away. My heart sank - I felt like I knew what was up. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, my heart was running rapid. When we got back to his place, I asked him straight-up what the text meant. He got very nervous and told me he doesn't want to talk about it because we are going away in 3 days, and he was going to talk about it when we were back. I told him too bad, it's out in the open now - so he told me:

WBF and OW spoke the entire train ride on that february weekend, and sort of reminisced on the old days. They went out that night, and came back quite late, around 4am. They were with a group of people chatting and then everyone parted, leaving them alone. She asked him to go to her bedroom, and he said yes. Mind you, they did not have sex at all during this TNS, they merely hooked up and at one point she performed oral sex on him. The same thing happened the second night, they came home drunk and hooked up again. Drinking is no excuse however, he was fully aware that he still had feelings for her.

Obviously, when he told me, I was floored. I couldn't speak. This was literally two weeks after I had told him I loved him, and this was the first guy I had ever admitted to loving. He explained to me why he had done what he did and his life since the TNS:
He said he had finally gotten what he had wanted for 4 years. She was teasing him, making him feel like he wasn't wanted, and now she finally wanted him. He also had a much stronger emotional connection with her, whereas at the time of the TNS we were very physical. But he also knew he still really liked me, and that's why he didn't end it immediately. After the TNS, he came home and started spending a lot of time with me and realized that I treated him way better than the OW had ever treated him. I was the first girl that made him not think about her when we were together. He still texted her as friends throughout February and March, but he said it was like they both pretended nothing had happened - she would occasionally ask him to make up his mind in February, and he would say he didn't know what he wanted. Finally, he lost feelings for her after realizing what a mistake he had made, and how much better I was for him. He approached the OW and told her that he was in love with me, to which she responded very harshly and didn't speak to him for a few weeks.
He told me he was so in love with me and said he was truly and deeply sorry, it was the biggest mistake of his life and he hates himself every day for it. He said he understands if I break up with him but he truly wishes it won't end because he realized that I mean everything to him.

I decided to give him a second chance in the heat of the moment, which I now regret. I should have taken a break and given myself some time to think, but I was just so distraught and newly in love and I couldn't think straight. I told him that I would not be able to trust him for a long time (since my exBF had also cheated on me with his ex... what luck eh?) but I was willing to make it work if he was. I gave him a list of conditions, as can be guessed. One of them was obviously to cut off contact with the OW. However, almost a week later, he was talking to her again. I blew up at him, I was extremely hurt. He told me that he is in the same friend group as her, same classes, his best friend is her cousin, they are family friends, and have known each other for 6 years. It is extremely difficult to just cut off contact with her in an instant - it takes time. I was still really upset and considering breaking up with him, but I also understood where he was coming from.

We were fine throughout the entire summer, and I asked him how often he spoke to OW. I was slightly lenient because granted they were best friends, family friends and had been inseparable for 6 years. Just like I wouldn't have been able to, he wasn't able to just ignore her after having her in his life as a friend for so long. So, he told me the spoke like 2-3 times over the whole summer, simply over text, just like 2-min conversations "how are you, good you, etc"
I started feeling really insecure during the fall and asked him again how often they spoke. He said they spoke around 10 times over text, which in my calculations is once a week for the whole summer. That really tore me down because he had lied the first time. He said it was the best he could do in terms of gradually cutting off contact with her, especially since they had a lot of family events this summer. He lied to me the first time because we were in a good place and he didn't want to upset me. They used to talk every day, and he cut it down to talking once a week over the summer. I basically snapped and told him I wanted to break up with him, to which he responded by bawling his eyes out (which I have never seen him do), telling me I'm the love of his life, and telling me that he swears on his life he doesn't like her, he just found it hard to cut communications with someone who was once a huge part of his family life. He hadn't even seen her since school had ended in June, and it was now September.

Now, they don't talk at all. Zero, zilch, nada. He avoids her presence whenever possible and does whatever he can to make me happy. He is really trying and I can see that. He tells me he loves me every day, how beautiful I am, how much I mean to him, and has done the sweetest things I have ever seen any man do before.

But it is also hard because the OW goes to the same school as us now and I see her quite often. Not all the time, but whenever I do, it is a very harsh trigger. Seeing her in a cafeteria, seeing her out with friends, I just break down and leave. Often, my WBF and I go out together and when she is there, I automatically break down in sobs and have to leave. My WBF comes with me, sacrifices his night and tells me how sorry he is and how much he messed up, and he would give anything to take back what he did.

I love him so much, don't get me wrong. We are honestly stronger than ever, we were definitely not this close pre d-day... I can honestly call him my best friend. But, I still have NO trust in him, especially since he delayed my healing process by about 7 months since he still spoke to her briefly over the summer. I find it very hard to trust, especially when he is texting friends or when he says he is going out to a bar or something. I find myself in depressed mood swings, not wanting to get out of bed, or beating myself up about taking someone back who hurt me so much. My brain tells me I'm stupid, but my heart says I made the right choice because I have never been happier. 99% of the time, I am very happy, but the other 1% is the most heart crushing emotions I have ever felt, and sometimes I wonder how long I can handle it for. The only fight we ever get in is about his TNS, and the fight is literally just me breaking down crying, threatening to break up with him, and him crying saying he doesn't want to. It ends in happiness, with us both just holding each other.

I am trying very hard to R, as is he. I just feel like sometimes I don't know how much longer I can hold on, because the pain is unbearable sometimes. But most of the time, the R is happy and progressing. There are just moments when I'm like, my god... why? Why am I here right now? I think the worst is when I'm not with him, because when I am with him I'm reminded of why I love him so much. When I'm alone, I sometimes think about the TNS. I also wonder if I made the right decision, because he didn't cut off contact with her when I asked. I understand where he was coming from, but I also wish he understood where I was coming from too. I wonder what would have happened had I broken up with him after the first time I found out they were talking again.

Now that we have grown so close, the thought without him makes me suffer worse than the thought of the TNS. We almost broke up once and the pain I felt was much more horrible than the TNS pain... I know I'm most likely a lot younger than most people on these forums, I'm not married and don't have as much to lose... but if you found your soulmate and they made a mistake, would you risk it all to keep them or be safe and lose everything? That's how I feel right now... I am progressing in R but just need some support in how to keep going... how to keep strong... barely anyone knows about my situation... the only person who is supporting me right now is one of my gal-pals, and my WBF (who provides me with reassurance whenever I need it).. but I truly need some help from those who have gone through it... how do you keep strong in R? Are my feelings normal? Please help... thank you for reading this :)

ItsaClimb posted 12/16/2013 13:03 PM

If I were you I would give it some time and watch his actions. See if he is consistent over time in his actions. It seems to me that you care deeply about him and don't want to break up with him, so I see no harm in the "wait and see" approach. It looks like he is doing everything he can to win back your trust right now, which is great, but understandably you are unsure and insecure - only consistent trustworthy behaviour over a long period of time is going to make you feel more secure again. There is no harm in giving him the opportunity to prove himself to you, provided you are comfortable doing that.

MovingUpward posted 12/16/2013 13:12 PM

Welcome to SI

Let me start by saying that everyone is unique and while some choose to move on that many others choose to work it out. There isn't a single answer that fits all.

I see that you want to stay and try to reconcile. I did read where he has delayed your healing but hopefully his no contact will start to help you heal.

A couple things did jump out at me. The first being when you fight over the TNS that you are "threatening to break up with him". Not that this is a big road block in reconciling but it isn't a healthy way to deal with conflict. So you will need to find a way to express your feelings without getting to the threats.

The bigger thing that I see is a big roadblock. You talked about your BF becoming your best friend yet you don't trust him. This I find very confusing. How can you have a best friend that you don't trust? Does that reflect on the history of friendships that you are used to having and thus you might have little familiarity with deep trusting relationships? Or was this just my misreading what you were intending to say. For if it is the former then you probably should dive into that and figure it out so that you can clearly see if what you are chasing is really what you want.

lilmonkey posted 12/16/2013 13:38 PM

ItsaClimb - yes, you are right. Giving him the "wait and see" approach is proving beneficial so far, as there have been no slip-ups in almost 3 months. I just have this constant fear of future slip-ups, to the point where it affects the present..

MovingUpward - it's funny that you mentioned that, because I thought that as I typed it. "How can he be my best friend if I don't trust him?" I guess right now I consider him a best friend as someone I can confide in about anything, say anything to, be myself around, and not worry about being judged. I trust him like I would trust any of my girlfriends in the sense that they wouldn't judge me, or something like that. But I do not trust him in terms of commitment, I am always worried about his whereabouts, or who he is texting. As mentioned above, my paranoia is starting to affect our R...

Lonelygirl10 posted 12/16/2013 15:01 PM

I am also young and unmarried, and trying to R with my wBF. I don't post much anymore on the forums, but please feel free to send me a PM. I think unmarried people have a different set of obstacles sometimes.

Your feelings are normal.

lilmonkey posted 12/16/2013 19:06 PM

Lonelygirl10 - I would love to PM you but unfortunately I have not reached member status (over 50 posts)

Lonelygirl10 posted 12/17/2013 11:41 AM

I sent you a PM

Sumrlady posted 12/27/2013 02:38 AM

Gently, there is no such thing as your one and only soul mate. This is your first love and it shouldn't hurt so much.

What has he done to prove he is not in contact with her? Does he give you on-the-spot free access to his phone, email, FB account, etc.? These are some things suggested so that you can, over time, rebuild trust in him as so are able to verify the truth of his words. After all, why should you trust what he says just because he says it? He has been lying to you for a long time. He's said that he thinks it's better to lie to you than to discuss problems and work through them. His actions so far have given you no reason to believe without proof. If he won't give you access then I'd be highly suspicious that they have just gone underground.

Oftencheatedon posted 12/27/2013 14:10 PM

I am not going to give you any advice about whether to stay with him or not.

But just wanted to share that I know how you feel about that one extra special "soulmate". I was 22 when I met the "love of my life". Now I'd already been engaged (with dress and everything) once and had another serious relationship.

But this was different. I was absolutely obsessed no matter what he did. He could just disappear on me and I would melt when he came back.

Breaking up with him (cheating of course) was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. I mourned for him. I think I would have done almost anything to have him.

But I did get over him. That's my only message. You can get over anyone. It may not be easy. You might feel like you could just shrivel up and blow away from the pain - but it does go away.

bionicgal posted 12/27/2013 14:45 PM

I think many of us had those types of friends as young adults -- friends who walked a weird line between being friends and romantic relationships. Many insecure women like to keep a dude on a string that they supposedly don't like "in that way," -- until they decide they do. Sometimes just seeing their dude-on-a-string involved with someone is enough to make them decide now is the time to pounce! These are women who just feel competitive with other women, and treat men as objects. Bleh.

Re: your BF - it is tricky. I am sorry, but I don't think you can just go on emotion, here. Sure you feel miserable when you think of breaking up, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is the wrong thing to do. After all, he "felt" like cheating on you, right? But whether you decide to give him a chance or not, it is clear that he no longer gets to live an unexamined life. Get him in therapy and spend some serious time (like, years) before you decide one way or the other if he is a keeper.

lilmonkey posted 12/27/2013 15:24 PM

Smurlady - He lets me have access to all conversations, phone, fb, etc. At one point he didn't even know I had his pw and I would check on occasion and there would be nothing for me to see. He even let me look at their conversations that occurred over the summer, and they were really flat and dull "How is it going", "good you," "good" kind of thing. There was nothing suspicious, and now I have full access to everything.

Oftencheatedon - I do realize that I can get over him - I had a boyfriend 2 years ago who I also was infatuated with (and thought I loved him, but it was just lust) and when we broke up, it was hard, but I did move on. I have gone to bars and social outings and met other guys, plenty, but none of them seem to take the cake like he does... which I think is a huge issue for me. If I think he is the only one for me, I might become too dependent on the relationship...

Bionicgal - Totally agree. She is competitive and rude and not someone I want as a friend. The thing is, it does feel wrong to break up with him. In the past 4 months, he has done so much to earn my trust back and show me how much he cares. I have received nothing but honesty and love from him. It also has made our relationship a whole lot closer. I can safely say it is the closest we've ever been (minus the fact that I don't trust him). It's just how I get over it that is the most difficult. There is only so much he can do to help me (not talk to her, allow me to view his texts and facebook messages, etc, reassure me) before it becomes about me and how I cope with things. Which frankly... I do not know how to do!

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