"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

badmedicine posted 12/16/2013 19:40 PM

Hello everyone on SI. I want to thank you for letting me read about your lives for the last few months without posting. As all of you know, going through something like this is wrong on so many levels and I couldn't write it down. Over the last 5 months I've gone from the "Just Found Out" forum, the BS forum, the "Reconciliation" forum and now ended up here. Here's my story, and a few questions.

I had a long relationship with my now husband but part of it was long distance due to working circumstances. We had to travel to see each other over the course of 3 years and it was hard for both of us. We were engaged the final year of this and knew we would be moving shortly after getting married to finally live together. I knew the transition would be hard, especially for him, but I was hopeful. In retrospect there were some red flags during the engagement and I even tried to break it off/postpone things twice (including giving back the ring) but he always insisted that he wanted this, it would be better when we were together, etc. I believed that because I loved him so I went ahead.

Well, our first year of marriage was rocky at best. He went from a social, fun, intelligent person to someone who barely spoke to me after a day of work and would sit on the couch. He didn't know if he wanted to be married and he felt like he was stuck. I suggested counseling but he refused and continued to refuse until things got so difficult that we weren't even sleeping together. I finally said he could come to counseling and commit to working on our marriage or he needed to move out. No commitment came so out he went. He was torn apart and begged for another try. I told him the requirements were the same and he agreed to MC....twice. He said it wasn't working and then proceeded to sink into a deep depression. I didn't even see him for weeks at a time (except at work, where we barely spoke). He avoided social interactions, avoided me, and worked extra shifts. After a few months of this I started asking for a divorce. He said no, wanted to try again. So I agreed and slowly over the next 9 months things improved. We found a new MC, spent more time together, went on dates and he started staying over almost every night. It seemed like things were heading in the right direction but progress was slow. We would take a step forward and then 3/4 step back. He would show up late for things or not quite honor commitments but always had some excuse. It crossed my mind that he was cheating but I couldn't imagine how he could have met someone here (we work together and have the same friend circle and he has zero hobbies) so I dismissed it. This included a surprise trip out of the country that he told me about a day in advance, canceling my visit home to see his family, and another surprise trip to "check on his house" from before the move. After all that things were getting rough again but our MC told me to "lighten up" basically. Sure, fine. Then it happened. We were on vacation with my family, a trip he almost backed out of at the last minute (think almost bolted off the airplane at our *connection*). After we got there things went great...he was nice, funny, relaxed. Like the man I agreed to marry and had known 2 years before. We even had sex that night. Then the following morning I rolled over in bed to find a FB message from the woman he had been in a relationship with since a few months after our engagement. I was horrified but somehow managed to make it through the trip with my parents without a complete meltdown. That came later.

Our MC told him to find a new therapist since he had been lying to her, too. He begged for another chance with me, said he wanted to end things with OW and work on our marriage. I said, sure, let's see. So I allowed a few months to go by. He did end it with OW (as far as I can tell...could still be going on ) but he never really took reconciliation seriously and in the end had a lot of regret and I'm sorries but not a lot of remorse and action for change. His needs always won over mine and I actually got more hurt in the 5 months since D-day than I did immediately after. It was clear that he's never been accountable for his actions and is used to getting his way, no matter who gets hurt in the process. He is selfish, cowardly, and cruel and I've decided that if my choices are this BS of a marriage or divorce then I pick divorce. I'm still struggling with a few things and I thought y'all could help.

1. We have to work together for the next year and a half. There really is no way to avoid this without severe detriment to one or both of our careers. I'm not willing to compromise what I've worked for and work is the only thing he cares about so I know he won't either. We will have to see each other and work in the same area (though not together on the same thing) every day for a year starting 7/14. I'm struggling with how and what to tell people at work. My IC (previous MC....I won that one!) says I need to tell everyone why we are getting divorced with a few details so they will know that it's not my fault. WH has a way of playing the victim and I can just hear "I wanted to work things out...this is what she wanted." Plus (not to sound arrogant) I am definitely more attractive and personable than he is, especially than what he has become, so if anyone thinks of infidelity they will assume that I did it. Duh, just because I had more opportunities doesn't mean I took any of them; he had only one sad one but he sure went for it. She also thinks that the only thing I can really affect now is his reputation, something he values very highly. Is this good advice or will it just look like sour grapes? Or worse...will people somehow turn this against me?? I'm a strong woman but this whole thing has been a mind fuck that has completely weakened me.

2. How do I let go of the love and the dreams? I am an objective person and, while I have emotions, they are generally in check. I can think with my head over my heart any day but somehow I still cry over the death of my marriage and the death of the dreams/plans I had for us on at least a weekly and sometimes daily basis. This is something that none of my girlfriends really understand. Most of them want to kill him (and her!) and are busy thinking of ways to do it. Anger is helpful and I feel in control when I have that. But this other feeling is frightening, vulnerable, and paralyzing. HELP.

3. What are some good comebacks that you've used for the "well meaning" person who says something like "thank goodness you're young" or "be glad you don't have kids". Well, thanks, although I was a hell of a lot younger at 28 when we got engaged and I would rather be thinking about starting a family than ending a marriage right now.

OK, that's it for now. Sorry for the long post and again, thanks to everyone for being open. Seeing myself (and my WH) in your posts helped me confirm what I already knew: he's F-ed up and there is no saving him...I can either go down with him or set myself free. Either way I'm the one who hurts but with the later choice there is hope for the future.

caregiver9000 posted 12/16/2013 20:38 PM

Welcome, and ((hugs)).

I don't think I have ever seen a first post down here in D/S. I understand that you have read in the JFO and here is where you landed for your first post. This is a great group of people and I hope you feel at home.

1. If you have to work together, perhaps "fake it" if you have to. Treat him with polite non-interest. As for airing your history with others, you may have to wait and see what feels natural at the time. If I read your post correctly, you have some months before this is a day to day issue?

I was very blunt and frank about my exh cheating. It put some people off. I don't regret it for me, but in hindsight, I do regret the discomfort I caused some people. I also can see that I was guilty of "over sharing" in the worst of the hurt.

I don't think you are obligated to keep his secrets or to protect his reputation, but setting out to destroy his reputation will look unprofessional. If your disclosures lead to consequences for him... well, that is the definition of a consequence.

somehow I still cry over the death of my marriage and the death of the dreams/plans I had for us on at least a weekly and sometimes daily basis. This is something that none of my girlfriends really understand. Most of them want to kill him (and her!) and are busy thinking of ways to do it.

All natural and common. Grief for a marriage is right! You had that dream and expectation, and now it is gone!!! I did plenty of grieving. The revenge plotting friends are good, but you may have to do your weeping here or alone. I do think that the friends are doing what feels right and supportive to them. Bless them, and hope they never have to have a better understanding of the roller coaster.

"well meaning" person who says something like "thank goodness you're young" or "be glad you don't have kids".

I don't have experience here, but I imagine it is easier to nod or say nothing if you truly believe they are well meaning. They are definitely misguided in the "reassurance" but is it worth it to try to set them straight?? Bless their hearts...

anewday78 posted 12/16/2013 21:16 PM

First, I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's rough no matter how old you are or how long you've been married.
Next, I think your ic gave you some bad advice here:

My IC (previous MC....I won that one!) says I need to tell everyone why we are getting divorced with a few details so they will know that it's not my fault. WH has a way of playing the victim and I can just hear "I wanted to work things out...this is what she wanted."

airing your dirty laundry at work is inappropriate and unprofessional. Your colleagues don't even have to know you're going through a divorce - it's none of theirbusiness. To be honest, if I had to work with both of you, I'd rather not know about it because it would only cause an awkward and uncomfortable working environment for me. Your ic was basically telling you to reveal it at work so your coworkers may choose the right side to take.
From what you describe, both of you take your careers very seriously. Since you don't have much of a marriage left and you must work with each other for the next year and a half, why not come to the agreement that there will be no talk of the divorce at work and among colleagues? I'm sure that's something you both can agree upon and respect.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:17 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

momentintime posted 12/17/2013 01:54 AM

Can't remember who, but their by-line says it all.....

"I didn't like his girlfriend". Then say you don't wish to discuss it further and it is painful for you. (No need for anyone to know any further details). This certainly will save you a lot of grief and puts the onus on him. He can try to play victim, but what can he really say. Yes I cheated, but she is divorcing ME! Too sad for him.

You did nothing wrong, in fact you went above and beyond. You gave him a second chance when the M was sinking and he continued with his bad behavior, even though you didn't know he was cheating. He doesn't know how to support you emotionally. He is broken. you can't fix him.
Start moving towards your new normal. He has wasted enough of your time with his selfish, withdrawn behavior. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Only time will help with letting go, but try to see him as he really is, not the man you thought he was. Sounds like the M was off from the beginning. Why he didn't let you go is a mystery. He knew he wasn't into M during your engagement, hence the cheating. He can't change, and he doesn't seem to WANT to put in any work to change, so your have no option but divorcing him.

He wasn't committed, he only put in small efforts when you wanted to move on. Seems it is OK for him to have a life, but you were just there to enhance his life, while giving nothing back to you. Maybe just his arm candy, who knows. However, clearly not what you were looking for in a M.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:03 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 12/17/2013 02:33 AM

Welcome, sorry you had find us but S/D are a great bunch of peeps.

In response to your questions:

1. I think airing your situation at work depends on the relationship you have with the co-worker. If people who I didn't have a friendly relationship with asked about x I simply stated "we broke up, I didn't like any of his girlfriends". No real emotion, simple statement of fact. For those that knew me well, they got more gory details.

2. It is normal and healthy to grieve the loss of your hopes and dreams. Even when the reality is shit you still hoped and longed for a decent partner and a good marriage. A number of my friends thought I should be over it within a few months. I understand where they were coming from but I vowed to myself I would do the healing I needed so that I didn't find myself with such a shit of a partner next time.

3. I think you just let it roll off your back, the intention is well meant but they are just clueless.

It wasn't until I expressed to my mum that the past year had been hard due to going through all the 'firsts' post break up(Christmas, what would have been anniversary, birthdays etc) and compared it to how she must have felt her first year after my step-dad died that she actually understood it was a grieving process.

Saving yourself is always the best option. Now you can turn all that energy you put into trying to make the marriage work into the best investment ever - Yourself.

badmedicine posted 12/17/2013 18:09 PM

Thanks for the replies and the welcome! At least we're all here together.

I guess it is weird to post here first but I already filed for divorce and I don't want to THINK about going back. No one here would let me do that, right?

Appreciate the opinions on the work situation. While we won't have to work together daily for several months everyone knows him and likes him and asks about him on a regular basis so I can't keep our divorce a secret. I wasn't planning on sharing lots of details but I like the idea of the "I didn't like his girlfriend" or "We had a difference of opinion: he thought it was fine to have a girlfriend and I disagreed". Something short and to the point that says it all and will keep them from asking questions. I hadn't really thought about how uncomfortable some people could be but hopefully they will get over it when they realize I am still working and being a grown up. At least one of us is capable of adult behavior.