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And my night just went to shit.

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Jules1111 posted 12/16/2013 21:21 PM

He just walked in. I said nicely something about him calling first an he looked at me so coldly and said "remember, things have changed." He is still SO pissed I told my son. He said its still his house too and that he will come and go as he pleases. I am terrified. He really does want a divorce and I don't even know who he is. I told him that he knows I need to finish school and get a job and he was indifferent. Said "Yep" An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son. He's wrong. I told him that is not why I told DS and that why couldnt he or other woman have said NO to the sleepover at OW's house? I told him my counselor told me I did the right thing and he said "well we will see when we go to the lawyer if your counselor an friends were right". It was a threat. I feel it in my bones. I cannot make it if he files now. I cried and told him he knows I need to do this first and he knows I have to keep my insurance bc of the breast cancer thing in my family. He said "but you don't have it." I said "Not now!" OMG I am shaking. How can he be so cold and so indifferent. He is punishing me now for telling my son. Tomorrow I am going to call for an appointment for a lawyer to double check my options. I just cannot believe this is who he turned into. And I feel completely abandoned by his family whom I was so close with. I am back in the throes of terror and despair.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/16/2013 21:39 PM

I think I missed where you told your son. Can you re-explain?

sailorgirl posted 12/16/2013 21:41 PM


See Jules's thread "I think I'm going to die"

Lionne posted 12/16/2013 21:46 PM

You have a lot to process. One thing I think you shouldn't be worrying about is health insurance. Not to get political, but the new law is MADE for people like you. I just priced a policy for my DS, 31, pre existing conditions, the bronze policy is about $200 a month....

Not to mention you most likely have some coverage through school. DON'T let him bully you! Or take away your amazing academic accomplishments!

sailorgirl posted 12/16/2013 21:51 PM


I'm so sorry. Definitely go see your own lawyer tomorrow. You might want to post in Separation/Divorce because they are very familiar with laws regarding child support, alimony, insurance etc.

Keep breathing.

An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son.

Everything out of that man's mouth right now is lies. He screwed everything up, and he hurt his sons. You respected your son by telling him the truth, and protected him from hearing it at school, or on the soccer field. Besides, he can't spend the night in that toxic household with OW and OBS in in-house separation and fighting.

Your WH is blaming you and threatening to punish you for his wandering d!ck! Get mad, Jules and let your anger push away the fear. You are going to come out ahead now matter what that desperate loser does.

anewday78 posted 12/16/2013 22:09 PM

Why did he come in? What was his purpose for being there?

anewday78 posted 12/16/2013 22:11 PM

Said "Yep" An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son.
I'm wondering if these are truly his thoughts or if these are words being whispered in his ear by a certain socio-whore.

Jules1111 posted 12/16/2013 22:13 PM

I am so scared now bc he has all the cards. If we separate or divorce now, I will have to get a job for sure and there goes fulltime nursing school. We have a lot of debt and I was trying to pay that off too. 200$ a month for health insurance is not possible. Child support and spousal support will not be enough to get me through school. My kids don't deserve to lose their house, I don't deserve to have to give up school to get a crappy job because HE screwed around. He is punishing me right now because he is mad. And now plans to come and go here as he pleases. this was my sanctuary, now he can pop in anytime, bc its his house too and he pays for it. I get it. But what the hell did I do to deserve this? I was doing ok. I was doing better! I sounded so weak tonight to my own ears pleading with him (nicely) to let me finish school first for me and my kids. I know what the last lawyer told me. And the funny thing is, he never mentioned a lawyer. He was ok with waiting the 2-3 years. Once I told my son, OW told him that her lawyer told them NOT to tell their kids bc it has nothing to do with kids. so his whole "Well we'll see what the lawyer says about whether you and your counselor were right". I feel so so lost.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/16/2013 22:17 PM

(Thanks SG.)

Jules. You NEED to 180 this guy. No more crying, begging, or pleading.
Also. JADE this guy. He has COMPLETELY checked out on you because.....(brace for it....) he just doesn't give a shit.
Do Not justify/argue/defend/explain yourself to him. Cradle yourself with the knowledge that you are an intelligent person who loves her kids. So long as it was done age-appropriately and respectfully (and it sounds as if it was), you did the right thing by telling your child. He thanked you for being honest. Can you imagine his horror and shame if he had heard it through the school grapevine?

You are in unknown territory and it is expected that you will be afraid. But you will be okay.

I said nicely something about him calling first an he looked at me so coldly and said "remember, things have changed."

Response: "Yes they have. YOU don't live here anymore."

You are going to need a super-strong shield and spine to deal with this guy.
The saying goes: "he didn't change. his mask just fell off."

{{{hugs}}} for the family abandonment thing, I get it because it happened to me too. (Now)stbx had a new OW prior to any type of D papers being filed and my MIL and SIL told him that they were glad that he was *happy* again. I haven't spoken to either one of them in over 2 years now....and now he's on to his latest *chickie*, and those 2 are thrilled.

As SG said....find your anger at being treated so atrociously by this guy. Life gets better when you start sticking up for yourself and pull yourself out of the swamp of despair.....

myowndystopia posted 12/16/2013 22:19 PM

Another thing you may want to look into - and I know very little about it- but I think there are additional grants available for education for single moms. You may want to contact your financial aid office about that. I just don't want you to feel trapped in this situation and know that there may be other options to explore.

Jules1111 posted 12/16/2013 22:19 PM

He came to see the kids before he went to work. Never called once today. Just showed up. My friend said he is mad at himself and taking it out on me. I do not want to sell the house and make my kids leave everything, but one of the things I will ask the lawyer is about if I have to divorce now, if it is possible to take the kids to another state so we can live with my dad and step mom while I go to school. That is the very last thing I want to do to my kids. The very last. It's a 12 hour drive from here. And they don't deserve to have their lives disrupted anymore than they already have. Plus WH would fight me tooth and nail. At least if I knew I would be able to do it, he may back off and let me finish school. I am hoping he will calm down in a few days. This all went down Saturday night. But he was ok- not shitty- when he picked the boys up for sledding yesterday...but today was a whole different ballgame.

Jules1111 posted 12/16/2013 22:21 PM

I cannot do the "you don't live here anymore"... because he would just move back in. He has every right. that is why OW and OBS are living together. He moved back in bc lawyer told him neither had to leave.

Jules1111 posted 12/16/2013 22:22 PM

and I have been 180'ing. HARD. It was working. I was feeling better. And then this happened. Friend also said he doesn't like seeing me "ok" so is picking a fight so I will hurt. Bc he is pissed at himself and its easier to be pissed at me. I dont know if she is right or not

gonnabe2016 posted 12/16/2013 22:53 PM

check your PM's.

sailorgirl posted 12/16/2013 23:00 PM

It sounds like he is using anger to avoid feeling shame. He is lashing out at you because he can't stand for this to be his fault. Right now, he feels more shame then ever because your son knows. He's desperate to stop feeling like a shmuck. So he blames you for shaming him, strikes back at you, and feels righteous anger instead. But underneath is festering shame. Underneath is the knowledge that he's a horrible role model for his sons and a pitiful person.

You could google shame and anger or the shame/rage connection.

Wishing you sleep tonight.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 11:02 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

iwillNOT posted 12/16/2013 23:06 PM

Jules -

I am so sorry he is being such an ass.

You can do this, you can make it. There are extra loans and grants available for single moms, there will be insurance options as well, there is often subsidized childcare/ ins coverage for kids/ food stamps that are income based. Try to be calm, pick one thing per day to research or look into. Ask each person or agency you speak with if they can think of any other resources or agencies to help you. Go talk to financial aid, also go to your local unemployment/workforce development office, often they have workforce training funds that will pay for 2 year programs.

Someday you will be working a nursing job you enjoy, making good money, independent and you will be so very(rightfully) proud of yourself.

Getting to Happy posted 12/16/2013 23:25 PM

I can't add anything else to this thread, there are some great voices here helping you.

But I did want to say that you have been heard. I will keep you in my thought and prayers. Hold your head high dear Jules. Your a good person and a great Mom.

There only way out of this shitstorm is THROUGH IT! And the slog goes on...

Trust in yourself, try not to let fear drive your decisions. I know its easier said than done...

Try not to react to the crap your WH is slinging. Your son told you he appreciated the truth. That is golden.

You got this!

(((((Jules and her beautiful kiddos)))))

Kalliopeia posted 12/16/2013 23:35 PM

I would hit up the local domestic violence shelter. aside from the fact he is abusing you, they have a lot of links into local resources that could be very supportive to you. so you will get validation, coaching through a difficult divorce and not feel so helpless or alone.

My first marriage was awful. I got a lot of help and it truely made a difference. My family was very supportive, also, but getting that external validation and community support was priceless.

heforgotme posted 12/16/2013 23:58 PM


When my parents got divorced, my father was required to pay for my mother's health insurance.

You really need to get to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. You need an idea of the worst and best case scenarios in the divorce. He won't be able to terrorize you so easily if you know the deal. You might be in a much better position than you think. Which of course, he doesn't want you to know. But even if you aren't, at least you'll know for sure.

I was a student when all this went down too, so I can really feel for you.

Let us know what the lawyer says. I don't see how you can keep doing this for years.....

ETA: Don't forget SI has a Separation and Divorce forum. I bet there'd be some great advice in there from people who have BTDT

[This message edited by heforgotme at 12:04 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 12/17/2013 01:21 AM

I am getting off of topic here, but I hope I can be of help..

Have you confided in your nursing dean or a school counselor about your situation and intention to D...It is possible that they can steer you toward some financial resources for those studying nursing who are/become underprivileged financially..

Are you interested in working at a hospital where you did a student rotation ?

Typically those are the hospitals that offer you a job just before your graduation, if there are any openings..You would start work after graduation and work under an RN as a GN until you pass your state boards..

If worst comes to worst and you have to work full time before you finish school, try to find a certified nursing assistant job in a hospital that provides benefits and tuition reimbursement..

In my state and in my hospital the nursing assistants get the same level of medical insurance as the RNs and other employees...

If your WH backs out of helping you thru school, and you can't find a job that will give you tuition reimbursement there are some programs in which your school loan can be forgiven.. You may qualify.. You would be required to work in one of the hospitals participating in the loan program.... Usually these hospitals are located in underserved areas..The minimum tenure of a job like this is about two or 3 years before your loan is completely forgiven...

I apologize for being long winded..I just wanted to let you know that your WH doesn't really have all the cards and in reality he doesn't control jack sh***t....He is just trying to intimidate you into fear so that he can manipulate you..

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