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stronger08 posted 12/17/2013 03:47 AM

How do you help someone who balks at your attempts ? My lady friend is going through a very tough time financially and scoffs at any offer of help. She is having problems with her X and his lack of steady CS while he is living large. She refuses to listen to any advice given to her to seek legal means to solve her problem. And if I try and do something to ease her financial burden she gets angry. She is the type that helps everyone around her to the point it makes her life difficult to say the least. She never puts herself first and it causes her a lot of distress. She is in IC trying to overcome her need to always take a back seat in life. She has a history of physical abuse from her first H and the dude she had her son with simply took advantage of her. She supported him while he pursued his degree and when they broke up a few years ago his CS record is spotty at best. She makes up excuses for people who use her or take advantage. Not only her X, but most people in her life including her family who simply feel its her job to solve their problems. But when its time to reciprocate not one is ever there for her.

This is a sore spot for me because I don't like when people take advantage of others. And while I know its wrong to comment I do. I'm not the type who can sit there and keep my mouth shut. As we don't have any sort of official commitment to each other I don't know if its my place to say anything about this, but I do. Yet she vents to me about whats going on in her life. But when I offer to help her the pride thing comes out and she refuses said help. I try to just listen to her as I feel that's all she wants me to do. But it bothers me that she never follows any of the advice that anyone gives her, myself included. I have tried to distance myself from her and her issues to avoid bad feelings. But it goes a week or two and we wind up going out or we see each other. I do have to admit since her IC she is getting a bit better. But she has a long way to go. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my situation. But I really enjoy her company and we click and make sense on many levels. This middle age dating shit is harder then it was when I was a teenager. Sometimes I wish I did not care about her as much as I do.

cmego posted 12/17/2013 06:55 AM

My gut reaction is that you need to let her solve her own problems. If she is that immeshed in problems, you kinda sound like the KISA coming in to "help her".

She needs to find solutions to her own problems. Just venting about them, but not finding solutions is a big, waving yellow flag.

I get it, I have the same personality in that I tend to give too much of myself. BUT, I have learned to temper it, and not spread myself too thin, let a few things slide, and I tell anyone (friends/family/SO) if they are asking too much of me. I WILL pull back to reevaluate and make sure I'm getting as much as I'm receiving in all of my relationships.

She sound codependent. She helps everyone else to her own detriment, then can't find any solutions. No one is taking advantage of her…she is ALLOWING them to take advantage of her…there is a difference.

nowiknow23 posted 12/17/2013 09:56 AM

stronger - I'm not seeing this as pride. I'm seeing it as someone who is conditioned to believe she is not worthy of help. IC is critical for her to heal these wounds and learn a new way of thinking and acting, so it's encouraging that she's already on that path, but it's a long hard road.

You're a good egg, stronger. It's obvious you care for her and want better for her. Take this slowly and remember that any changes in her life have to be by her hand. I think her anger at your efforts could be a good sign - a sign that she wants to be the one to fix her issues rather than being "rescued." Honor her wishes on this. By doing that, you are empowering her to claim control over her stuff and, possibly, start making changes.

Crescita posted 12/17/2013 10:22 AM

I can see how this is trying, but honestly, unless she is like this about all areas of her life, I’d be inclined to give her a pass. Having issues you aren’t ready to tackle happens to everyone. Eventually you reach a point where you become tired of venting and decide to take more control of your life. If she doesn't default to victim mode she will likely get there. Perhaps instead of just being an ear or giving advice, you can repeat her issues back to her and ask her if she sees any solutions. Nudge her back into the driver’s seat.

StillLivin posted 12/17/2013 11:32 AM

Gently ok!
stronger08 IMO it seems like you are trying to "fix" her problems. She will have to find her own way and recognize what she is doing. Until she is ready to assess her self worth and stop letting people take advantage of her she will continue getting upset with you.
However, you may want to look a little closer at yourself.
I didn't realize i was co dependent, because I was only co dependent with one person. He let people hurt him, and I came to the rescue and helped him.
Sometimes people like this pull us in. They are not healthy and we get sucked up in that unhealthiness.
I'm not suggesting you not be involved with her, but maybe take a close look at your bouondaries to safeguard getting hurt in the future.
Remember, hurting people hurt people.
In the beginning, my STBXH was too giving to unworthy people. I never dreamed he would one day, in turn, turn on me and hurt me the way others hurt him.

SeanFLA posted 12/17/2013 11:53 AM

Yeah that's a tough one. You've always been a very straight forward person and I'm kind of surprised you are seeing someone like this. Seems to be the opposite of your personality. You are always telling people to own their own shit, which I can appreciate. When I run into people like this after a while I eventually just back off and teach myself to ignore them at some point. She seems to be reaching out to pull you in, although she really doesn't want you in to begin with. Just say your peace and nix the rest. I think a little bit of tough love might be needed here. When she whines tell her you would like to help but it's futile and to knock it off. You aren't interested in listening to it. She isn't going to accept your opinions, advice or help and you are done with it. A person can only take so much of that frustration. Might wake her up.

Crescita posted 12/17/2013 12:13 PM

I think a little bit of tough love might be needed here. When she whines tell her you would like to help but it's futile and to knock it off. You aren't interested in listening to it. She isn't going to accept your opinions, advice or help and you are done with it. A person can only take so much of that frustration. Might wake her up.

Err, go too tough and the point is lost entirely in what a dick you are being. Better to be firm but kind. “I can see this has been bothering you a lot for quite some time now. It might be time for you to come up with a solution. Let me know if I can help.” Detach from the drama gently and it will force her to face it.

stronger08 posted 12/17/2013 14:15 PM

And that's my conundrum. I am a straight forward person and have said my peace. Sean, contrary to popular opinion I do have a heart. LOL...... But I hear what you all are saying. Maybe I'll just wait this out and keep my mouth shut. If it becomes a greater problem for me, I'm going to have to do what's in my best interest.

InnerLight posted 12/17/2013 15:30 PM

Also her not accepting your help may be her way of keeping you at a distance.

inconnu posted 12/17/2013 21:19 PM

She refuses to listen to any advice given to her to seek legal means to solve her problem. And if I try and do something to ease her financial burden she gets angry.

Maybe she doesn't want any advice. Maybe she just wants you to listen to her and be supportive. Instead of telling her what she should do, try telling her that you believe in her abilities to find a solution to her problem.

And by doing something to ease her financial burden, do you mean you're offering her money or telling her you'll pay some of her bills? And perhaps implying without meaning to that she's not capable of doing it herself?

She is in IC trying to overcome her need to always take a back seat in life.

Which means she's probably learning about setting boundaries, and sticking to them. So why the hell are you so intent on running over her boundaries?

persevere posted 12/17/2013 23:31 PM

I think you've received a lot of great advice.

So this may sound cold, but IC, no IC, boundaries, no boundaries, in the end what matters is what you can deal with or not if you are to have a relationship with her. I'm not saying you put this burden on her, except to explain, but it's on you to determine what YOUR boundaries are in this relationship.

This doesn't mean you get to dictate what her life is if you are to have a relationship, not at all, but it means you have expectations of what you want in your life. Because let's be honest - the past typically does predict the future.

And, in fairness to her, what does it say about you that you are attracted to her? Is it what you would consider her "empathy" (which could be construed as co-dependence) What about her attracts you? Maybe if you start from there you can determine how that leads into the traits in her relationships that are an issue.

Regardless of anything, I think it's a somewhat positive trait that she doesn't immediately accept help, because if she constantly did we would all be saying that she is taking advantage of you. But again, even that would be on you. You offer, she takes, you accept the consequence.

Just some thoughts in my head stronger. I'm sure you will figure out what is right for you.

[This message edited by persevere at 11:32 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

stronger08 posted 12/18/2013 03:48 AM

Damn you womenz is tough LOL. Its really not that I want to dictate her life. That's not what I'm about. And I hear you all on the boundary thing. I did not think about that to be honest. I was offering some financial relief. And I do think its an honorable thing to try and fix ones own problems. My problem is that I'm a black and white type of dude these days. My own history has given me this attitude. If something is not working I tend to want to figure out what's broken and fix it. Not in the KISA type of way, but to offer a solution to the problem. My biggest issue is that I cant fix this. And I don't like when people I care for are hurting. I guess after being taken advantage of for so many years its kind of a pet peeve of mine. But I need to keep in perspective that what works for me, does not work for everyone. Thanks for the advice and kicks in the ass. Sometimes we all need a kick up the butt.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 3:49 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Bebba1171 posted 12/18/2013 09:01 AM


We are similar in some of that.

My XSO has a really good job, but lives well beyond her means. She has little savings, a big car loan and 7K of credit card debt.

Money is not a priority for her. She doesn't wear fancy labels or anything like that. She loves to buy clothes, get gifts for her friends, travel, etc. She is counting on a big government pension to get her by

About a month before we stopped dating, her big screen TV in her great room broke down. XSO could have gone into more debt getting a new one, but she just decided to move a small TV and put it in front of the big screen.

It really troubled me to see that, and when I returned her things to her; I left her house feeling sad for her.

When I got home, I ordered her a new large TV and had it sent to her. I did not ask her if it was Ok, I just went ahead and did it.

She called me crying in joy. It made me feel very good to do that for her. I was and still am very appreciative of all of her love and kindness. She got me through a very difficult time.

We remain very close but I have not seen her in a couple months. I am violating the NC suggestion I shared on the getting over your X.

XSO is not seeing anyone now, and I have third date tonight with a new gal I met on OLD.

I have been very fortunate in my career and love to share with others in need. My favorite charities are dog rescue places, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Jimmy V, Church, SI, Christmas Cops, etc.

See nothing wrong with that and your caring attitude..

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