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She asked for S, now she's losing it

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GotPlayed posted 12/17/2013 07:15 AM

My semi-remorseful, still foggy, blame shifting WW asked for a separation and is waiting out the holidays, possibly cake eating. I am being only moderately successful at NC the WS.

MIL is working on moving out since she can't stand the situation. She can barely afford the new place and it's stressful for her. She's been very loving towards me but I've become light on specifics as much as I can.

I wrote a letter for WW yesterday, full of love and understanding, but outlining the conditions I want if we are to recover. Essentially giving her a second chance to R.

I was arriving home from work, and MIL told me they got into a huge fight because WW won't go with MIL to help her understand her new rental contract before signing it. WW accused MIL again of her "issues" of 20+ years ago, MIL told her that WW should learn from it instead of repeating the pattern, etc. MIL, very familiar with addiction, called it "I saw the devil one becomes when in need of a fix".

Needless to say I didn't give her the letter.

My WW Is losing it, and I have little kids. I'm still suffering but working on self-recovery and knowing I'm going to be ok. Worried about my kids and WW though. I hope we can survive the holidays. If things don't improve quickly with her I may need to file D instead of just S.

I have a therapist appt on Wed and then I'm going for major surgery with 3 day recovery Thu (fun, WW taking care of me). I will run the letter through my IC before giving it to her.

Btw it's my birthday. Whoop-dee. :)

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/17/2013 07:48 AM

Happy Birthday GotPlayed! And hugs ((()))!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this on your special day -- can you do something for YOU today?

I don't have a lot of advise, I haven't filed yet either. As far as the letter goes -- I've done what you are contemplating -- don't know if it did anything for my WH or not -- but it helped me to get it out and I could honestly say I tried! I think most advice with a non-remorseful wayward is to not bother. NC=No new hurts. But I do get the desire to offer the olive branch one more time (or two or three or more times -- as I said, I haven't filed yet! )

I know it will be VERY hard - but please focus on you during your healing from surgery -- maybe put on a headset and lose yourself in a movie marathon on Netflix and tune her out all you can?

Brandon808 posted 12/17/2013 08:09 AM

Happy Birthday!

Do you have any alternatives to have WW take care of you? I can't imagine that stress will help with recovery.

jo2love posted 12/17/2013 08:26 AM

Happy Birthday!!! I hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery. Is there a friend or family that can take care of you instead?

GotPlayed posted 12/17/2013 10:08 AM

Thank you!

I'm from out of country, and while I do have work friends, I don't really have any friends who would care for me for 3 days.

careerlady posted 12/17/2013 10:39 AM

Gently, she has not truly shown she wants to R, why are you considering giving her a letter spelling out your terms? I suggest you continue with S or preferably D and if at some point she shows true remorse and you want to try again you can consider giving it to her then.

My mom is staying with us and also moving put in a few days, I know how it can complicate the dynamic to have a 3rd adult around (in fact the Snake used her as his excuse for the last round of cheating ), so it's good that MIL is moving on to the extent you'll still be in the home.

I'm sorry all this is happening around your bday. I agree you need to do something for yourself. Including, is there something you can do to reinvent yourself a little bit? Put your foot down on an issue or really define how you can make yourself happy without WW?

If you see any of WW's issues affecting your kids in anyway document it. Did you ever get a VAR? Bday present?

Brandon808 posted 12/17/2013 10:50 AM

If your recovery is risky then I'd ask about getting a home healthcare provider. Some companies do that and the people who do that don't provide treatment. They just help a person take care of themselves a bit. Your insurance might cover it.

GabyBaby posted 12/17/2013 10:58 AM

My semi-remorseful, still foggy, blame shifting WW
Semi-remorseful? Is that like being kinda pregnant? You either are or you aren't. Your WW clearly is NOT.

Please do not give her that letter. Do not give her any more insight into your heart and mind. She lost that privelege and has done nothing to earn it back.

Tiger posted 12/17/2013 11:11 AM

I am almost on the same boat. I am just bracing for the worse but dday was so long ago I don't have those raw emotions I had before. Couldn't you separate without the paperwork?. Just give it time to see what you want? Or do you need all the legal issues to be solved? Will S help or improve the situation? Only you know. If things cool off, at least in my case, I am more determined to make a life changing decision without looking back.

GotPlayed posted 12/17/2013 11:47 AM

Hi all, thanks for your responses and support. Knowing I can count on you makes it easier.

Regarding Semi-remorseful - I see the remorse sometimes she has always been strong-willed and reacted with anger even when she's wrong. A character flaw. But I see it in her eyes. She's hurting. That's why one of the conditions in that letter is for her to go back to IC and for us not to start MC until we both feel ready. I hope the IC can get her to properly show her feelings. She's too afraid of being hurt to show the remorse. At least that's what I think, from knowing her 20 years.

We were a very close marriage, so we both have codependency issues - she got mad at me for starting to do my own laundry separately and moving my bathroom gear (deodorant, razor, etc) to the bathroom next to my new room. She helped find and move furniture into my new office and then got mad because "I didn't appreciate it" - I totally did, it's just that the next day she went to see her lover and it kind of took the appreciation out of it.
I'm ok with her taking care of me while I am recovering, I'll be mostly in bed (yes, likely watching netflix in my room) so it's not like I'll see her much anyway.

Regarding Separation, I am already sleeping in another bedroom, but she has no job nor money to go anywhere, and our kid with Autism needs to be at home. She's starting to try to get a job now, so until that happens and she's started bringing some money (and maybe even afterwards) it will be in-home S because she can't afford the bills and I won't go into debt for something she did. The legal stuff will get done January I think.

During legal S apparently the question comes up if either of us is allowed to date. I'll put my conditions then, which include both of us in IC and absolutely no contact with OP. If that is not amenable to her, I'll ask to switch the S mediation to a D mediation, and I'll go ahead and start dating. I won't actually date (way too early, may have coffee with someone to start a social circle), but might as well get a fire under her ass to get her off the fence. Thinking S may become a way for her to cake-eat.

The good thing about sleeping on another room is that I'm starting to emotionally separate myself, too. I pray every night, but I no longer pray for the marriage. I pray for her to find peace and to live according to her values again, for the sake of herself and my kids. Whatever happens, I know I'm going to be ok. I do well for myself, I have a great job, I'm a good person, and I am not bad looking, still early enough to restart my life.

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