Hi all, thanks for your responses and support. Knowing I can count on you makes it easier.
Regarding Semi-remorseful - I see the remorse sometimes she has always been strong-willed and reacted with anger even when she's wrong. A character flaw. But I see it in her eyes. She's hurting. That's why one of the conditions in that letter is for her to go back to IC and for us not to start MC until we both feel ready. I hope the IC can get her to properly show her feelings. She's too afraid of being hurt to show the remorse. At least that's what I think, from knowing her 20 years.
We were a very close marriage, so we both have codependency issues - she got mad at me for starting to do my own laundry separately and moving my bathroom gear (deodorant, razor, etc) to the bathroom next to my new room. She helped find and move furniture into my new office and then got mad because "I didn't appreciate it" - I totally did, it's just that the next day she went to see her lover and it kind of took the appreciation out of it.
I'm ok with her taking care of me while I am recovering, I'll be mostly in bed (yes, likely watching netflix in my room) so it's not like I'll see her much anyway.
Regarding Separation, I am already sleeping in another bedroom, but she has no job nor money to go anywhere, and our kid with Autism needs to be at home. She's starting to try to get a job now, so until that happens and she's started bringing some money (and maybe even afterwards) it will be in-home S because she can't afford the bills and I won't go into debt for something she did. The legal stuff will get done January I think.
During legal S apparently the question comes up if either of us is allowed to date. I'll put my conditions then, which include both of us in IC and absolutely no contact with OP. If that is not amenable to her, I'll ask to switch the S mediation to a D mediation, and I'll go ahead and start dating. I won't actually date (way too early, may have coffee with someone to start a social circle), but might as well get a fire under her ass to get her off the fence. Thinking S may become a way for her to cake-eat.
The good thing about sleeping on another room is that I'm starting to emotionally separate myself, too. I pray every night, but I no longer pray for the marriage. I pray for her to find peace and to live according to her values again, for the sake of herself and my kids. Whatever happens, I know I'm going to be ok. I do well for myself, I have a great job, I'm a good person, and I am not bad looking, still early enough to restart my life.