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R has been worth it!!!

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IGaveItMyAll posted 12/17/2013 12:30 PM

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to come back to give a few word of encouragement. I want to tell you all I am sorry you are all going through this heartache. I don't wish this upon anyone. But, I did want to tell you that with a WS that "gets it" and puts the effort into making a better life together and who is genuinely remorseful.... IT IS WORTH STICKING AROUND.

I have had my doubts but put more focus on getting myself stronger and healthier both Mentally and Physically. I have had many weak moments and looking back at the last year it amazes me how much infidelity crippled me and shook me to my core. BUT I was able to really look at myself and make some possitive changes in my life. If you are not in IC & MC get in there. If anything, it will give you an outlet to vent and someone to help guide you. But work on yourself. Your spouse has their own issues they are resposible for. DON'T OWN THERI ISSUES Let that be their responsibility. I know many times I wanted to give up because I thought she wasn't doing enough. She needed to be doing what the text books say she needs to be doing otherwise she isn't getting it. I found when I let that shit go and just lived, I was in a much better spot. Also, don't let things, thoughts, feeling fester. Process them and get them out. Don't stuff anything. That was helpful for me because my wife helped me process my feelings. It was hard. The same person who betrayed me was the same person that I had to confide in to help me heal. But she told me she really wanted to help me through the mess she created. Intimacy has been the biggest challenge for me. It goes up and down but has been progressively getting better. Her mood swings have always been challenging. One minute happy, appreciative and content... The next minute snappy, irritated, and angry. Through our MC and her IC she was diagnosed with depression. I really believe if we didn't just spend the last year analyzing ourselves, life and marriage she would have never caught this and we would have always been living this way. She has had depression since before we started dating and has lived with it the last 12 years of her life. Our marriage has been getting stronger regardless. Her and I are so much closer now than we ever have been. We really enjoy each others company and appreciate our family time with the kids. Its hard to remember how our life was before. Our marriage was never healthy & our life always on the rocks. Through the ashes of her affair we have created a new life together. A life of healing, compassion, appreciation, love, affection and companionship. Our communication is much better and we are now in tune with each other. When we feel disconnected we let each other know. When we are sad we talk and hug it out. Whn we are mad we listen more compassionately.

Her: Her path is her own and I am not responsible for that. But, her path to healing herself has been challenging and is a continuous journey. She has dealt with many childhood issues. Got hit with a lot of 2x4's. Had many "AHHH HAAAA" moments. She works on herself in her own way. One of the most challenging things was to uncover the fact that she has been living with depression for the past 12 years. This was hard for her to accept. She is now looking at ways to treat it. She has changed so much as a person in many possitive ways. She is really excited to find out what it will be like treating her depression and living a happier life.

Anyway our marriage is much stronger. Looking forward to this next year. Many possitive things to come. Sure we will hit some hard spots but have learned and continue to learn the tools to get through them.

burntandtorn posted 12/17/2013 12:36 PM

This is what I come to the reconciliation section to see. Thank you for sharing this, we all need it so badly.

DixieD posted 12/17/2013 12:41 PM

That's great IGIMA! I'm glad things are going well for you both.

foolishlycluless posted 12/17/2013 12:57 PM

Congratulations! I hope that one day I'll be able to post something like this.

Jrazz posted 12/17/2013 13:01 PM

Love it.

iwillNOT posted 12/17/2013 13:05 PM

Thanks for the encouragement, I needed it today.

BrokenMomof2 posted 12/17/2013 13:41 PM

I needed to read something like this today, thank you

blakesteele posted 12/17/2013 13:44 PM

Great to read this today...lots of pain today, some tied to porn, which is personally how I hurt my M. So good to break the negative energy a bit.

I relate to many of the things you speak of....letting my wife fight her own battles, feeling closer to my wife than I ever have even while fighting like we never have, living more in the moment....all good stuff.

Means even more coming from you...whom I know reacted like I did upon my DD and have wrestled with wanting to own more of your wifes shit than you know is healthy.

Bless you for taking the time to post to us.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:46 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 12/17/2013 13:57 PM

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/17/2013 14:00 PM

Glad I can be some sort of encouragement for you guys!!! I really just wanted to come back and tell you all that it is and can be worth it and some of the valuable things i learned in the process.

Means even more coming from you...whom I know reacted like I did upon my DD and have wrestled with wanting to own more of your wifes shit than you know is healthy.

That is because I am a compassionate person and hate to see people I care about in pain to a fault lol. With infidelity rocking me so hard I think I switched from not giving a shit to being super co-dependant and scared to lose her. That just reads as needy and preasure. I have had to really work on letting go of her healing and work on me. Its hard. I used to read peoples posts in here and be like my wife isn't doing that so I would get mad and try to push her to get there. I just would find myself upset, pushy, needy and feeling like she doesn't get it. Our MC finally broke me down and reminded me. Everyone heals differently. I like to read articles and apply what I study... she likes to sit quietly and just think about where she is and process it and release. He also warned me of signs he has seen. He said don't be suprised if she opens up and retracts then opens up and retracts. She is coping with defense mechanisms from since she was a little girl. But mostly, he told me to allow her the space to move and heal. Its her journey. Be supportive and work on me for me & her as she is working on herself for her & me.

lhhell posted 12/17/2013 14:10 PM

Thanks! Needed some positivity today!

HoneyMe posted 12/17/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks for sharing your journey! More light at the end of the tunnel.

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/17/2013 15:28 PM

There is light at the end of the tunnel however, I believe the tunnel is the journey through life. The light at the end is death & the journey through the tunnel is your everyday. Sometimes you just need to flip the light switch and see the light around you at that moment. Enjoy the journey. There will be some dark, scary, lonely days. Some days where you feel like you cant move another muscle, some days where you are pissed that you're stuck in the tunnel. But I feel like when you can get to the point where you are content with your life and the journey you will start living again. Getting there is the harest part. Emotions are in fact controllable. Watch what you allow your brain to tell yourself.

Yes my wife cheated.... That occured. Yes my parents divorced when I was young... Yes my friend died at a very young age... Yes my life has been filled with some horrible events and some very AMAZING events. It is learning from them and growing from them that will sculpt you.

We decided to grow through this together and help each other through some of most painful times in our life. I hope you all find some peace in what has occured. There is nothing we can do to erase it. All we can do is learn from it.

Prometheus posted 12/17/2013 15:30 PM

Really good to read this post. Its been pretty much the same for us except we weren't married at the time of the betrayal. It still all but destroyed me though. But like yourself we reconciled (after 8 months apart) and we actually got married!.

The way you put it about rebuilding through the ashes etc is a perfect description.

Congratulations to you!

greengiant posted 12/17/2013 20:04 PM

Thank you for sharing!

Blobette posted 12/17/2013 20:29 PM

Itsgoingtobeok posted 12/18/2013 05:22 AM

Question on your R . Did you talk about the A . Questions like where , when . Our mc has been pudhing us to leave this in the the past . I know my WW is very disapointed in herself and feels a lot of guilt . When I talk About it she usully cryies so I've been staying away from those questions . I need her to know how bably I was hurt but she seems to be not ready to accept what she did without breaking down .in fact she feels better knowing I played a role in her making that decision to cheat by not loving her enough . I think its away for her to cope with what she's done .

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/18/2013 17:20 PM

Question on your R . Did you talk about the A . Questions like where , when .
Absolutely. We talked and talked about it. She agreed to answer any of my questions at any point in time. She said she created this and I deserved to know anything especially if I felt it would help me heal. I asked all the details I needed to hear. I would trigger and dig deep to see why and what I was thinking about. Most of my triggers stemmed from unanswered questions. I often put pieces togetehr in my mind. Some were right some were wrong.
I know my WW is very disapointed in herself and feels a lot of guilt
Thats good. Let her own that.

When I talk About it she usully cryies so I've been staying away from those questions
She will need to talk about it. It will help her heal too

I need her to know how bably I was hurt but she seems to be not ready to accept what she did without breaking down .in fact she feels better knowing I played a role in her making that decision to cheat by not loving her enough . I think its away for her to cope with what she's done .
Then tell her. Tell her what it is like for you and ask what it is like for her. Affairs are meant to destroy everything. You are going to really need to learn new ways to communicate. She is in denial. Yeah you may have played a role in M issues but that is no reason to cheat. Took my W about a year to stop putting any blame on me and our M. She owns it and figured out her whys and is working on herself.

We talked about it to the point where it didn't hurt as bad. Many long sad nights. We still talk about it. It doesn't hurt as bad. It makes us both a bit sad when we do. But talking about it has enabled us to get to where we are at now. We aren't quite where we want to be but looking back we are much futher today than we were a few months ago.

boom2003 posted 12/18/2013 20:02 PM

Thank you for posting this. Really, really thank you.

lostcovenants posted 12/18/2013 20:31 PM

Thank you. Had a rough MC today, basically I am just suppose to wait until he's ready to give me what I need. Focus on what is good in our relationship. Hard hard to do, this helped a lot.

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