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Just left IC session, a little lost

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jzkc1502 posted 12/17/2013 15:19 PM

Left an IC session w/ our MC. We'd been to two joint sessions with him, WH has had 1 IC, and this was my 2nd IC. I'm a little lost, feeling minimized and like I need to "get over this and move on".

MC said things like "people who are hurting have off ways of acting out" in reference to the texting/calling escorts. And almost downplaying that it was happening "for only a short period of time".

Idk. Made me feel like I'm not validated in wanting D. I'm sad, torn, scared, lonely, confused as it is and this almost made it worse.

plainpain posted 12/17/2013 15:30 PM

Get a new MC.

cl131716 posted 12/17/2013 16:57 PM

Yeah I'd say a new MC. It could be a reason for an A but it's certainly no excuse! Lots of "hurting" people don't cheat! If that was the case we'd all be cheaters too.

Jrazz posted 12/17/2013 17:02 PM

That happened with our first MC. He knew Crazz cheated and didn't disclose to me. Then, in our second or third session, he told me I should learn to let go of it. (2 weeks post DDay!)

Crazz was the first to say that we had to shop for a new counselor. Thank goodness.

Take heart - your feelings are valid, and you don't HAVE to stay with any one counselor if it doesn't feel right.

Sending big hugs.

RealityStinks posted 12/17/2013 17:14 PM

I agree - time for a new MC.

IMO, you should be the one that gets to decide on the MC. My WW refused to go to the first one after 4 sessions because "she isn't listening to me". The truth is, the MC told her she was wrong in what she was doing. The same thing happened with the second MC, and now my WW refuses to go to MC anymore. Well, for the time being anyway.

I had an IC session today, and I left feeling empowered and better about my situation. That's what you should feel like after IC, IMO. My IC does not downplay the A at all. He encourages me to basically 180 until WW is ready to work on the M or she files for D. He also encourages me not to dwell on it because I can not change the fact that it happened. Instead, he encourages me to focus on me and spending my energy in ways that benefit me. It doesn't do me any good to dwell or speculate, and the WW doesn't care. He helps to put all that into perspective, and I feel better when I leave.

IMO, if you don't feel like that when you leave, then it is time for a new MC (not saying that IC or MC shouldn't be honest, and at times that may make you feel bad, but they shouldn't rug sweep either).

sisoon posted 12/17/2013 18:18 PM

New MC, for sure.

It doesn't matter how minor WS's actions are - your H betrayed and traumatized you, and a betrayed person doesn't just 'move on'. An MC who doesn't know that is incompetent.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this jerk.

If your H's A is a deal breaker, or if it's the straw that broke the back of your M, then D is the right choice for you. Are you aware of the Separation & Divorce forum on SI? Having met a number of SIers who chose D and who I believe post on S/D (I don't look at that forum because I'm superstitious ), I would bet you can get lots of support and validation from there.

jzkc1502 posted 12/18/2013 08:19 AM

duhhhh forgot to mention, and this one left me a little

I was really trying to break it down for MC about the condom story so he can understand why I believe in my heart WH had sex with someone and didn't masturbate into it. And so MC then goes:

"Well how would be be paying the escorts? Wouldn;t you see the charge on a credit/debit statement?"

So I said, well during that time WH did a lot fo caterings for the restaurant he managed and got cash tips all the time. I mean, WH could tell me the tip was $300, when it was really $400 for example, I'd never know. So the MC does:

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Am I totally losing it? Isn't that normal for a hooker to be paid in cash?! WTF!

Compartmented posted 12/18/2013 08:26 AM

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Am I totally losing it? Isn't that normal for a hooker to be paid in cash?! WTF!

Yes, they get paid in cash.

I'm sorry but that MC sounds out of touch. I wouldn't bother going back to that one. Get to an IC for you. Hopefully a CSAT!

traditoperanni posted 12/18/2013 13:14 PM

Get rid of this MC. Make it known that you are there to hopefully repair the damage your wh has done. That you are not there to hear excuses for his behavior. For, whatever reasons he "acted out"
does not excuse what he has done to you. You are calling the shots
right now and he's lucky you are even going to an MC. Shop around for another one.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/18/2013 13:25 PM

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

And how did you reply to ^^^that gem?

Brandon808 posted 12/18/2013 13:31 PM

people who are hurting have off ways of acting out
"off ways"??? "off"??? Really?
"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"
Sooooo...your MC is a moron then?

Really? Gee, an illegal transaction (because it is actually illegal in nearly every jurisdiction in the country) being done in cash. Who would have thought it?

I think I'd have to say to the MC "We feel we need to pursue MC with someone else. It's not just that I disagree with your approach. It's just that you're an idiot."

jzkc1502 posted 12/18/2013 13:39 PM

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"


And how did you reply to ^^^that gem?

I gave him the most confused look and was like "ummm, yea pretty sure thats how it works, with cash". I really was just flabbergasted that he was almost insinuating that because I never found a credit card transaction that would prove WH never visited an escort. It was just odd. I thought everyone knew this stuff is a cash biz.

2oldforthis posted 12/18/2013 14:04 PM

Maybe the C needed a smart remark, like yes he did pay with cash, but I told him from now on he needed to write them a check and make sure to get their S.S. number for tax purposes.

cl131716 posted 12/18/2013 14:05 PM

"Well how would be be paying the escorts? Wouldn;t you see the charge on a credit/debit statement?"

So I said, well during that time WH did a lot fo caterings for the restaurant he managed and got cash tips all the time. I mean, WH could tell me the tip was $300, when it was really $400 for example, I'd never know. So the MC does:

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Wow! How else would you pay an escort? It's ILLEGAL and I'm pretty sure they don't carry credit card machines on them!!!

lynnm1947 posted 12/18/2013 14:09 PM

Was he protected much as a child? Jeez Louise, everybody except him DOES know. We all watched "Pretty Woman".

Edited to add: Apparently they DO now carry credit card machines--the tiny little Squared Up thing that attaches to your smart phones.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:10 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

jzkc1502 posted 12/18/2013 14:30 PM

Oh I forgot to mention, I told MC that not that I think a spouse who has a drug addiction is an easy thing to deal with at all, BUT I was saying that I feel as though if my spouse told me they had a drug addiction I would be more willing to save the relationship (granted that no sexual cheating was ever involved)and work through issues. MC really didn't agree with this and said something along the lines of "ohhh drug addiciton is sometimes more detrimental to a relationship than this" I don't understand why its like he's implying what WH did isn't a big deal and it was just "Acting out" WTF! I'm so done with this.

sisoon posted 12/18/2013 14:40 PM

I'm a bit confused. Are the C's comments that you've added just for our edification, or are you still uncertain that this C is incompetent?

If you still think he may be competent, how come?

Or are you having difficulty standing up for yourself and firing the guy? The C aura can be very intimidating, after all.

What support do you need?

jzkc1502 posted 12/18/2013 14:50 PM

I'm a bit confused. Are the C's comments that you've added just for our edification, or are you still uncertain that this C is incompetent?

If you still think he may be competent, how come?

Or are you having difficulty standing up for yourself and firing the guy? The C aura can be very intimidating, after all.

What support do you need?

Sorry, just venting.

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