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burntandtorn posted 12/17/2013 15:44 PM

I had been obsessing about possibly seeing OM in public. It was completely hindering my ability to go do things with the family, always looking for his face.

I gave in today and sent him an NC letter via linkedin. My wife would have been happy to do it, and I should have waited for her too, because it would have been great to see it in her words.

She saw mine and said she was glad I sent it.

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 4:51 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

LA44 posted 12/17/2013 17:11 PM

Hi burntandtorn.....well, the NC letter is the responsibility of the WS. I am sure she does feel happy that you did it - it takes the load off her. Why had she not sent one yet?

I guess at the very least if it were me, I would want my H to write me one. I would want to see him to do that - take ownership.

JMO thou

burntandtorn posted 12/17/2013 17:16 PM

we had talked about it. She was willing but I wasn't positive it was necessary (he was just a ONS, they had never talked before, nor after).

I should have waited till she got home, she would have done it. I just kind of buckled and had to take action.

sisoon posted 12/17/2013 17:38 PM

Not an ideal solution, but if it results in the end of your obsession and focusing on your own healing....

Besides, since it's done, there's no point at second-guessing yourself. You did what you thought was best at the time.

Dreamland posted 12/17/2013 23:28 PM

I so can feel ya.. I basically called, texted and emailed her to stay away or else. I was eluded and was very convincing that she and her family would pay and asked her to write me back saying she would no longer contact my H or a list of things would happen. It only somewhat stopped her since my fWH didn't tell me she had continued to contact him until much later. He told her it was over. But he never sent a NC letter. I can tell you in hindsight I wish he had. I had begged him several months after finding a sample letter for him to send it but he never did. Always found a reason.

Have her send it now. Because at least it's coming from her. Otherwise it's still open for interpretation as the OW feels my H still wants her and I forced him to stop seeing her. She is delusional at best. So make it clear and leave no doubt in the OM mind that your WS doesn't want him and how sorry she was to have hurt you .etc show a united front.

blakesteele posted 12/18/2013 05:22 AM

Obsessive thoughts are a common trait a BS picks up.....actually, they are common traits to ANYONE who experiences trauma. Perfectly normal....and don't even think it is unhealthy....it is part of the process.

Luckily, there are several ways to process through these without causing more harm. I would encourage you to read up on obsessive thoughts.....a topic that is well studied and well written about.

You are right on the heals of DD....be gentle on yourself. At 16 months out....I am STILL learning to be gentle on myself!

There is also a time for righteous anger....I can think of no better time than when your M and family are under attack.

If you are like me...it is easier to focus on the fOM than it is your fWW. I somehow wished she was seduced, taken advantage of, even....raped. Lord help me....I have thought THAT would be easier to accept than my wife willfully choosing as she did. That was me wishing for a better past. We are to be grateful in everything. I am grateful my wife was NOT raped by him.....both because I do not wish to see anyone hurt, even if it spares me hurt AND because I am pretty darn sure I would have done more than just talked to him that fateful night I went to his house and confronted in face to face over the A he and my wife choose to have.....and I would be in jail right now.

Obsessive thoughts manufacture real feelings based on skewed or imaginary facts....it is our minds trying to fill in gaps that exist. In my case things like outright lies and trickle trothing ADDED to the amount of obsessive thinking to my journey. If I could get a WS to do just one thing it would be to tell the truth and the whole truth as completely as they can...and then re-tell it regularly. No partial answers, no changing of answers....just the simple truth.

Back to your topic of this post....

Why did you feel compelled to send the NC letter?

Answer this question with as many different reasons...spread out over several days.

You may be surprised at your motives...especially those deeply hidden ones. I know I was surprised as I found the drivers behind my actions over the initial 12 months following my DD.

Be gentle on yourself as you discover motives that you had no idea influenced your everyday decisions......

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:27 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

burntandtorn posted 12/18/2013 06:10 AM

the letter was extremely short and non threatening. basically just: "she told me everything that happened on this night xxxx. we are trying to work it out. If you see either of us in public don't acknowledge our existence."

I guess I felt like I wanted him to be aware that I knew if we came face to face. I felt like that took away some of the fear on my part. I didn't want to run into him and know that he thought he had this secret with my wife.

It was selfish but it wasn't extremely bad.

blakesteele posted 12/18/2013 06:37 AM

Did you not trust your wife to do this WS task?

Are you worried she is not yet a fWS?

How much of her road are your willing to smooth out for her versus trust that she can put shocks on her own car to handle the bumps in her journey?

....I offer this with much kindness and compassion. I stumbled many times early on with lame co-dependent tendencies...and it slowed our journey to starting to learn R.

I am concerned this action could lead to further R-inhibiting actions....mine did.

I am cool with private messaging male members on here....if you would like to confide in a more confidential manner.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:38 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 12/18/2013 06:40 AM

Burnandturn,
i think it was fine. I sent a letter to the OW in my case, who had been a friend. It wasn't NC (she just got a short one from H, now wish it had been more thorough), but more my feelings about having been betrayed,

Do what you need...you did nothing wrong.

burntandtorn posted 12/18/2013 06:47 AM

@blakesteele.
She was perfectly willing. She would have preferred to do it herself. I just got in a bad place and had to take action. Just couldn't stand feeling completely helpless to everything I guess.

She really had never talked to him before and hadn't since. She had no way to contact him actually. This was part NC, but really, I think part just making sure that if I saw him in public he would know that I was aware. Again, selfish. I really wish I would have waited for her to get home and we could have done it together.

Justgreatnews posted 12/18/2013 08:19 AM

Hey Burnt,

You've got nothing at all to question yourself over. As mentioned, your family was threatened. Any action you take to guard and protect it are fine, honorable, and reasonable.

Everyone has to handle things in the way they deem appropriate. What you did was fine. Now is no time to second guess yourself. Be bold, but wise.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 8:20 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

EaglesWings posted 12/19/2013 19:55 PM

Desperate times call for desperate measures. fWH told me on Dday that EA was over because OW rebuffed his efforts to move into full PA. He said it was OVER, however the communications just went underground. I found out they were still messaging via FB and Words With Friends. She was OUR employee. So I made it clear that ALL contact was to stop immediately, or I would fire her sorry a**. She cut him off immediately. Was it a good idea? Seemed so at the time. Forced WH off fantasy island. However now I am left with never knowing that he would have made that choice on his own. Wonder if I should have just waited to see his choice. But as written above, what's done is done.

Their choices and actions NOW are what we have to judge them by.

Coma posted 12/19/2013 23:06 PM

I have ben down this road too many times and it is not an easy decision to make. I actually visited OM twice but did not approach or reveal myself because (this is a little embarassing)i didn't want to disappoint FWW. I don't know if that makes sense to some but that is the way i felt at the times.

I recently decided to make contact because i need for my presence to be known. I have had messaging contact with this one before. It was not a good experience. I made this condition in R to FWW because of something a friend told me about allowing a thief access to your home a second time.

I will introduce myself this time and FWW can be there if she chooses. I will simply ask him this.
"Where do we go from here?" & "Will you continue to try and invade my marriage and home?"

This is important to me because i will also be watching FWW reactions in the process. Make no mistake that i am still very much in love with my wife but i will play second to no one. If she chooses not to go thenthat is her choice. The is no longer about her addair but about reclaiming my dignity and securing my future sanity. Alone if i must or with her at my side.

I guess i'm saying simply.....it's a guy thing.