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Heartbroken - and it's my own fault...

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Whalers11 posted 12/17/2013 17:07 PM

Just venting, mostly...

I have only had one "relationship" in my new beginning - if you can even call it that. It was a very intense FWB situation with a man that I felt a very strong connection with from day one, who I also ended up falling in love with... (I think...I'm not sure if I even know what love feels like anymore.) We had very different long term goals and I had to end it before I got more attached than I already was, because there was no way it was going to end well.

Well, not too long ago, in a moment of weakness and loneliness, I rekindled this FWB. I still very much am attracted to him, and enjoy his company and he makes me feel good. We didn't discuss what "this" was going to be, or if it required exclusivity - and if I'm honest, I probably presented this as a very casual thing, even if that wasn't what I was really looking for. Because I was afraid he would turn me down otherwise.

Sunday night I saw him out with another woman...girl, actually. She looked to be about college-aged while he is in his early 40s. They were clearly on a date. And I felt my heartbreak into a million pieces on the spot.

I can't even be mad at him - he didn't do anything wrong. We weren't dating, and we didn't discuss that there was an expectation of exclusivity. But dammit, it hurts.

I know I brought it on myself, though.

This NB shit is hard.

Crescita posted 12/17/2013 17:14 PM


Williesmom posted 12/17/2013 17:44 PM


It is very hard. I'm with you.

imwideawake posted 12/17/2013 17:50 PM

((Whalers)) I know the feeling. I have been in the same place recently. I put myself there, and I broke it off because we want different things. He is younger and wants kids of his own. Rather than wait around while he looks for a long term partner I broke it off. I'm very attracted to him and moving on hurts. But we've moved on from serious betrayal. We will survive this.

StillLivin posted 12/17/2013 17:52 PM

Ewwwwww, that is so sick though.
I know it hurts, but look he is with a kid for crying out loud.
He showed you that you made the right choice.
Of course it still hurts, but you don't need that drama in your future.
Uhgggg, just gross!

nowiknow23 posted 12/17/2013 17:55 PM

((((Whalers)))) I'm so sorry, honey.

sheila0304 posted 12/17/2013 18:32 PM

I dread the thought of seeing FWB alone so the thought of seeing him with a love interest is gut wrenching. I'm sorry you're going through that. Anyway, you're not alone... I understand

torn2bits posted 12/17/2013 19:35 PM


The heart is so fragile. I know what you mean about feeling good, great sex, and just having someone there even though you know there is no future.

Take it easy on yourself and do something fun for you!

SBB posted 12/17/2013 19:37 PM

((Whalers)) I've been on the other side of this and it is one of the reasons I've sort of cooled off FWB arrangements lately. That feeling that you've hurt someone because of feelings you were not aware they had.

FWB only 'works' when you're both on the same page and looking for the same thing.

When one of you hides your true feelings and settles for the arrangement when it is less than you want it just leads to hurt and devastation. You are setting yourself up to feel betrayed.

Because I was afraid he would turn me down otherwise.

This just breaks my heart. Please, don't settle for less. You are doing yourself a disservice.

My reasons for only being interested in casual has exactly ZERO to do with my lovers and everything to do with me. I am not yet unbroken. I am simply incapable of giving or receiving real romantic love at the moment.

lieshurt posted 12/17/2013 21:03 PM


I'm so sorry you are hurting hun.

completeshock posted 12/17/2013 21:40 PM


I get it. I've been there and it sucks. No real words of wisdom, just want you to know I've been there too.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/17/2013 21:46 PM

I'm not quite in S/D but i'm close. I can soooo see myself in your situation in the future and it scares me. I'm sure NB can be hard. FWB seems like a reasonable interim solution but it's deeply flawed. What can we do?

Sorry for your shattered heart!

Whalers11 posted 12/18/2013 11:23 AM

Thanks for the hugs. I'll always accept those.

I just feel so stupid... what did I think would happen? That things were be different this time and we could make it work despite vastly different life goals?

I wasn't really thinking, maybe. I think I let my urges and desire to feel loved/wanted drive me.

Sometimes, post D-Day, I have felt very hardened and like I can't feel anything. I hear sad stories, things that in the past would move me to tears, and I feel nothing. I can't empathize well anymore. I thought my ex broke me.

And then something like this happens and I am reminded I still do have feelings.

Charity411 posted 12/18/2013 11:54 AM


I've been there. It's surprising how when you get lonely enough your heart completely overrides your brain. I went through a couple of bad relationships after my divorce. In hindsight, they were pretty much completely preventable. But hell. They were a warm body.

These things will make you wiser. Honest. It just doesn't feel like that now.

LearningToRun posted 12/18/2013 13:59 PM

I did the exact same thing, too. The exact same thing. We are in our late 40's he started going out with a young 30's.

It was casual, i knew it, i knew the rules but it hurt when it ended. Didn't shatter me, but it really hurt.

The next time i found someone wanting a girlfriend. Someone who will hold my hand in public. Its so much better and i am so glad i'm not with wasting time with FWB anymore.

In fact, i met ex-fwb at dinner and he was talking about how he is "so not in a serious R" with the girl he is obviously in a serious R with. THANK GAWD, that could have been me.

Doors have to shut on these guys to find something better.

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