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All My Fears Confirmed

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stanley posted 12/17/2013 18:04 PM

I've been in a committed relationship for twelve years with a woman I love unconditionally. My first wife gave me four wonderful children before she passed away from breast cancer. My current relationship started out as a wonderful deep friendship that evolved into a deep, passionate and loving commitment. I first suspected a year ago when "the" guy showed up at an event we were hosting. She introduced him as a guy she worked with. She had never mentioned him before so when they wandered off to talk to each other I suspected then that something was not quite right. She leaned in and whispered something in his ear making him smile. I also noticed that when I shook his hand that he wouldn't make eye contact and he seemed uncomfortable. I tried to not let it bother me, but "that" feeling was still there. After he left she was overly affectionate towards me and we made passionate love that night. She fell asleep early that night but I could not as "that" nagging feeling was still there!I got up and checked her facebook and sure enough he had left her a message. He wrote "ily:)" I did some more "research" and discovered he was just recently friended as well. I was so hurt by this, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and not jump too an obvious conclusion. The next day I couldn't shake "that" feeling so I went over to a mutual friend and coworker of hers and that is when I discovered that the rumor was that she was having an affair with this man and it was all the talk around the water cooler. His boss had "warned" him that someone had seen them in the parking lot at work and he should be more careful! This was more than I could take so I gathered what was left of my sanity and I calmly confronted her the next day. After a lot of tears, "me" and a lot of denial "her," and I am the only one in her life she convinced me it wasn't true. I wanted to believe her so I somehow managed to put it away. It was from this point on that she began to slowly but gradually pull away, they continued to be the talk around the water cooler and his wife got into the picture and that is when I thought things would get better for us. It did for a brief time and she even gave me a ring to repledge her love and commitment to me. Then another rumor came out and this time I saw them together and another confrontation ensued. Again she convinced me. I just didn't want to believe the truth. The more time I thought about this the more troubled I became and slowly my brain began making decisions where my heart had before. I made a conscious decision to find out the truth, so on Nov.16th I followed her and in doing so all my fears were confirmed. I caught them not only together, but they were abusing alcohol and drugs. I was devastated. I confronted them. He slunk away and she was repentant. I wanted to be mad at her in that moment and I had always thought I knew exactly how I would react to this situation, but my reality was so different than I imagined. I didn't hate her, I still loved her and I never felt so much pain as I did in that moment of truth. It has only been just a month since this all happened and so much has transpired. She says she is torn between us and I just feel alone and mute! The day that it happened I told her I forgave her, because of the realization that I loved her more than any anger that I had. We talked through the night initially about this and the hardest part for me to deal with was that she couldn't promise that she wouldn't see him again and she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out. She says she is torn, but I am torn in two. I love her with all my heart! I have expressed this to her many times and she does seem to be torn, but in reflection there were so many lies and half truths from her in the past year, that I am afraid that even though I have forgiven her, I don't know that she will be able to forgive herself enough to repair this. This last month has been a blur for me with so few high moments and so many low ones. One minute I think she is coming around and the next it's heartache. Most of the time I go through my days with a sick feeling living life in a fog! I have lived through some tremendous pain in my life, holding my first wife's hand as she took her last breath and losing my mother and father with in four months of each other, but this pain is something that has completely overwhelmed and consumed me and is far greater emotionally than anything I have experienced. I still love her so much, maybe more than ever, and I really don't want the thought of living with out her in my mind!I feel like a fool sometimes, I feel weak, I feel lonely and isolated, I feel angry, I feel hurt, there are times of extreme desperation when my spirit feels crushed beyond repair. All of these emotions and I really don't know how I am feeling from one moment to the next! When I am lucid I know I love her and want desperately to fix what is broken and be happy again. I am actively seeking counsel and answers, devouring any information I can, it's just that right now it feels so one sided and lonely. I don't understand how you can say you love someone, tell them that you can see us together in the future and that you can't picture him in your future but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life! I feel like she has pulled my heart from my chest, torn it in two and is stomping on it every time she sees him

marionwendy posted 12/17/2013 18:20 PM

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling, Im only 3 months past our DD so I cant give you much to go on . I feel sick for you as I know all the pain you are feeling. I wish you WW could understand it but it sounds like she is in what they call a fog. You found the right place to post and vent I wish I would of found this site sooner. Im sending you great strength and many hugs. Please take care of yourself. try to eat and drink water, that helped me. I also did a lot of reading... this is not easy but it does get easier. Please take care I hope your wife comes out of her fog sooner than later.

self-rescuer posted 12/17/2013 18:25 PM

Dear Friend - your journey is just beginning.

First, you must drink water constantly. Always have water near.

Second, get any nutrician you can. Scrambled eggs? Yogurt? Anything that sounds remotely appealing - try and eat.

Third - gently but I need to be direct. She DOES NOT have the option to be torn. You are her mate. She must chose you. If she does not, she chooses him.

She has no right to toy with your feelings and keep you hanging until she decides what she wants.

You are her mate and she is your love. You do not deserve to spend a single hour in limbo.

Post here and feel the support. Know you are worthy of honesty and commitment.

Take care and know there are many here who care.

Brandon808 posted 12/17/2013 18:26 PM


She says she is torn between us
...says it all. She is torn between you and a married man who could not even look you in the eye.

You cannot fix this. It takes two of you and she is still in the A. So the question is how long will you continue to accept this situation. You hoped the OM's BW would change things. However, the change needs to come from her.

You say you've forgiven her. Except she hasn't agreed to even stop. So my question is how has her actions truly asked for any forgiveness?

Until she demonstrates true remorse I would advise against continuing the relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the reality is so much harsher because of her actions.

Skan posted 12/17/2013 18:57 PM

I'm so sorry that you're here. I'm glad that you found us, for support. And I am very glad that you are not married to your WGF and that she has no claim on your children.

You cannot nice her back. If you could, then every one of us on this site would not be here. She needs to make a choice she is either with you and completely NC with the OM, or she is with the OM and needs to leave your house. If she says she can't or won't make the choice, then that IS her choice. She needs to leave the house. There is no room for 3 in a relationship. And if her OM has a BW or BGF, that person needs to know whats going on too. Because they have the same right to expect faithfulness from their SO as you do.

I'm really sorry. I know it's tough. But you didn't cause this, your WGF did.

OK now posted 12/17/2013 19:23 PM

The sad thing is if you took a hard line with her now and made her choose between genuine reconciliation and saying goodbye, you would probably get her back. But it doesn't sound as if you are in the state of mind where you are able to do that. You need to risk the relationship to win and again you are not prepared to do that.

I am surprised. You suffered such tremendous pain as you held hands with your dying wife as she passed away and you don't have the strength to kick this cheating slut to the curb where she belongs?

She didn't actually accidentally fall in love with a married man she willed it to happen and permitted it to proceed to 'love,' betraying both you and his BS in the process. Just sheer selfishness, and as such she deserves your contempt.

she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out.

That makes me mad. What utter narcissistic behavior. One day you will see what a worthless person she really is; but I fear you have much pain to go through in the meantime.

JustWow posted 12/17/2013 20:04 PM

she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out.

probably need to let the OM's wife in on this. These things thrive in secrecy, the light of day tends to make all the fairy tales disappear.

Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

Gr8Lady posted 12/17/2013 20:11 PM

My heartbreaks for you. In some small crazy way it also shows me men can and are in truly committed relation ships
So very sorry, for your hurt and pain. Devastating.

Take it a day at a time, read what you can in the healing library.
This site is a haven.

myownmaster posted 12/17/2013 20:32 PM

I hope for your sake that you hit the "anger" or "enough is enough" stage sooner than later. I say this because it's generally the people on here who choose not to take the bull by the horns approach that don't take the VERY good advice on here or at least not to the extent they should.

They convince themselves that their love will guide them in the right direction, but in reality it kills them bit by bit. They spin their wheels so to speak until there is no tread left. They lose a part of themselves that they will never get back and will always regret that they lost it.

I understand everyone has to go through the process, and when you're ready, you will have a lot of advice here so I don't need to add any, but again, all I will say is I hope for your sake you hit the anger stage sooner than later (you will get it later on I suppose).

lqqk4answ posted 12/18/2013 00:22 AM

Found it hard to read because all it too close to home, feelings and all. I started shaking reading it and I feel for you as no one should ever have to go through this. I wish I could offer good advice, I would if I could, but if I could I wouldn't be here. All I can say is hang in there and that you are not alone!

Dare2Trust posted 12/18/2013 01:22 AM


I'm extremely sorry for the pain and turmoil you are going through.

I suggest you seek counseling/therapy to help you deal with the immense pain you are going though, and to help you understand WHY you are willing to accept such horrific, unfair, hurtful treatment from this woman? She has made it clear - she's having a sexual affair with OM; and she is not willing to STOP.

You need to inform OM's wife that this affair is actively going on - she deserves to know.

I can't believe it's possible to "forgive" someone who purposely continues to hurt you in such a way ---Do you even know exactly what it is you are "forgiving?" CHEATERS are liars - so I doubt if you even know the "truth" about this affair.
Please take care of yourself.

stanley posted 12/18/2013 01:34 AM

I really didn't know what to expect when I signed up for this site and I am glad that I did! Thank you to all who responded to my pain. I just wanted an opportunity to be heard. The loneliness and isolation of this mess is unbearable and being able to speak and be heard is so helpful. To get insight and advice is more than I could have hoped for!!! Thank you so much!

stronger08 posted 12/18/2013 03:30 AM

Stan my man, when your in a relationship with a woman who sits on a fence, torn between yourself or her married lover the best advice I can give is to shove her the hell off that fence. You need to take immediate steps to ensure that your own emotional health is protected. The first being to remove yourself from this drama ASAP. She is living in a fantasy world with this OM. Its all roses and unicorns in fantasyland. She needs to be smacked upside the head with some reality my man. Tell her to go to OM, that he can have her. Do you really think this guy wants her ? Sure he wants all the NSA sex he is getting. But I'll bet a weeks pay that all he wants. You need to make this A difficult for them. And the way you do that is to expose the truth about what they are doing. Inform this guys W as to what you have found. I'm sure their boss would love to know about the drugs and booze. I understand that you love her and your afraid of losing her. But the sad fact is that you have already lost her. She is screwing another guy, making you a distant second on her list of priorities. She has no remorse for destroying your life and cant even decide what she wants to do. Pick your balls up off the floor and fight back my man. The longer you allow her to dictate policy here, the longer your misery will be. she has been lying to you for a long time. When she could no longer lie her way out of it she gives you the old I'm confused bullshit. All that does is give her a free pass to keep screwing her AP while she drops a few crumbs your way just in case she wants to run back to you when her A implodes. Those crumbs are just enough to make you think she will snap out of this insanity. But in all honesty unless you take action she will keep doing what she is doing. The choice is all yours bro. You can continue to sit there and be made a fool of, or you can man up and do what needs to be done. Action begets action, while inaction gets you nowhere. Hang in there brother, I've been in your shoes and it sucks. But unless you do something to stop this it will never end. I wish you strength and peace. BTW, read up on the 180 in the healing library. I think it will help you.

standinghere posted 12/18/2013 03:53 AM

Keep in mind that you have nothing to prove to anyone.

Do not accept this arrangement. Clearly define what is acceptable behavior in your relationship. Then, if she will not agree, protect yourself by doing the 180.

You cannot control her.

You cannot nice her back.

This has nothing to do with you either.

She just did one of the cruelest things you can do to another person, and she is not remorseful.

I don't understand how you can say you love someone, tell them that you can see us together in the future and that you can't picture him in your future but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life!

Because she is really messed up emotionally. Far more than you realize.

Why does it hurt so much?

I know what that feels do many others here. I think it has to do with thinking in our own heads that this has something to do with us, it takes a long time to get past that, but over time you will realize that you didn't do, or not do, anything that led to this. Eventually, you realize, that you were just a passenger in the plane when it crashed.

Hang in there, the first three months is pure hell. I didn't find this forum till almost two years had passed. It is a good place.

alback posted 12/18/2013 07:22 AM

Are you married, or is this a living together relationship? Either way I will refer to her as your WS.

Know that your WS has already made her choice when she says she is not prepared to cease her relationship with this AP. She has chose him, she is willing to risk family, friends and you for him. Your feelings to her are unimportant at this time, her actions is her true feelings for you, not what she says.

She flaunts her affair at work, she brought him to your house and decided to be with him in front of you.

The more you do the soft sell trying to earn her back, the more she disrespects you. Don't be her doormat, she has made her decision - you make yours. She has been deceptive, lying and cheating on you for more than a year. She has finally found the strength to tell you she is not going to give up on this guy, she has given up on you. Do you really want to continue with the person you now know?

Time to protect yourself, seek a lawyer and start the paperwork, protect your finances, and your health from her relationship. Get tested for STDs. Tell your family and friends, of your situation. If this guy works with her, inform the HR department of the situation. Be sure to tell his wife how serious this has become.

If your lawyer agrees, pack her things and deliver them and her to either his house, her parents, or her work.

I really feel for you, I am also a betrayed husband. Time to grow a pair.

stanley posted 12/18/2013 13:37 PM

Thank you everyone for the advice on the 180! it took me awhile to find it. " I was looking for it in the articles section instead of the BS FAQ section" It was not at all what I thought it was. It is way better and I feel like it is the perfect approach for me. I am a fixer who is usually in control but this affair has left me feeling emotionally chaotic standing in the eye of a hurricane! For the first time in a long time I feel like I have at least one foot on the ground. I put the 180 on my phone so I can carry it with me to remind me and refer to when I am feeling weak, so it is being referred to a lot! Thank you Everyone for the support!!! If you are new here like me the 180 can be found in "The Healing Library" under the BS FAQ section and it is question #11

damaged71 posted 12/18/2013 14:05 PM

Stanley there is GOLDEN advice in this thread PLEASE heed it.

I was in the same place you were. I wanted my relationship to work so bad. I was willing to do anything. My wife was in "lurve" with the OM. She didn't know what to do. I was convinced that I would win if I were just kind and nice enough.

She made me pay for every act of kindness and understanding with unbelievable pain.

I finally said "screw this shit" this isn't worth it. This phase is what the other folks refer to as the "anger" phase. You WILL get there.

I finally kicked her off the fence. I called his wife. Guess what, he wasn't going anywhere. He had no long term plans with my wife at all. He kicked my wife to the curb so fast it was shocking. The force with which she was thrown under the bus was amazing. I almost felt bad for her.

I reached a place where I realized that she wasn't the prize I was. I let her stop controlling everything and things got better.

So this is what's going to happen if you start to 180 her. You will see her try to get closer as you pull away. She wants to control the situation and she will absolutely play you to do so. She has a cape with a big "M" on it for Manipulator. She will teach you a thing or two about that. She wants you waiting while she makes up her mind. As long as you wait she WILL NOT make up her mind. She simply won't do it.

Your ONLY move is to choose not to participate. Tell her you won't be the third person in this marriage and to let you know when she has decided. Tell her that either decision is A-ok with you. If you do this things will change.

Everyone here will tell you the same thing and I mean everyone. You cannot "nice" your WW back into the relationship. You can't win this one by being nice so don't try. You aren't going to be the lone case where this works.

I am 20 months out and the only thing that keeps me up at night is wishing I could have a "do-over" on D-day. It would have saved me so much pain and agony.

I would have simply walked away and filed for divorce. I still wanted to be married but it would have shortcut everything. Instead I tried to be nice and got two solid months of her not being able to make a decision. That two months was the worst of my life.

Don't make the mistake I did. I am sure a lot of others would beg you for the same thing. For us it's like watching someone walk into an oncoming train. We know how to prevent it. We've been there.

Best of luck to you....

painfulpast posted 12/18/2013 14:29 PM

Stanley, I’m so sorry you’re here.

Everyone is right. As long as your wife has options, she won’t choose. She has everything she wants right now. Why would she give that up? Because you’re hurting? She’s proven that her wants trump that already. Don’t wait for that to change – it won’t.

The other problem with trying to be nice is that you become ‘weak’. No one wants a weak, spineless spouse. People like confidence and self worth. If you allow your wife to continue to have a boyfriend, she will absolutely view you as weak. She will tell her boyfriend about it (yes, although she isn’t sharing much with you, she’s telling him everything so he feels important. In turn he’ll make her feel important. That’s how this game goes.), and her boyfriend will use it to his advantage to continue to portray you as weak, and then tell her she really should cut you loose. Guess what? She will!

You MUST appear strong, even when you want to crumble. You MUST push her off her fence and take away her options. You MUST not allow her to continue on with her boyfriend. Make it clear that if she does, even one more time, she will need to move out. DO NOT SAY THIS IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT.

You probably will need to kick her out, btw. She’ll think you’re bluffing. Show her you aren’t. If she cares, she’ll come back and stop being a cheater. If not, well you saved yourself some heartache that’s coming your way anyway.

I’m sorry this is so blunt and direct, but as others said, we’ve seen this before. The longer you let it continue, the less chance you have of your wife ‘choosing’ you.

7yrsflushed posted 12/18/2013 14:29 PM

You already have some very good advice on the thread but I just wanted to add that I was one of the people "myownmaster" described. I stayed an additional 2 years in a marriage with an unremorseful, fence sitting, cake eating wayward spouse because I thought my situation was "different or unique". The reality is these Affairs and the waywards reactions are very similar.

My advice kick her ass squarely off the fence now by removing yourself from the equation. A M can't survive with 3 people in it.

but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life
May seem counterintuitive to you at the moment but your heart is fucking with your ability to think logically. Over time your heart WILL catch up to what your mind already knows. In the meantime if you want to save yourself a metric shit ton of hurt heed the advice given. In response to the quote above, you pack her shit up in hefty bags, sit said bags on the front lawn and proceed to tell her that she doesn't have to commit to a damn thing because you are making the decision for her. Then tell her to get out and go be with her married boyfriend. Put your foot down now and do it decisively. You are no longer dealing with your SO, significant other. You are dealing with a pod person and this pod person has lied to you repeatedly for an extended period of time and will continue to do so. See how quickly she changes her tune once she sees that you are serious and are kicking her out. If she doesn't change her tune then she was going to put you through pure hell as she lied and figured out ways to see the OM behind your back.

You can't beg, plead, manipulate, or nice your SO back into the relationship. The only person you can control is yourself. The longer you let her sit back and whine over her lost luurve with the OM the more damage is done to your soul. Free yourself and start focusing on you and what you want. The 180 is your best damn friend ever right now. None of this is your fault. She chose to go out and sleep with another man and nothing you did caused her to make that choice. You will be fine just remember to take care of yourself and keep posting it really does help.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Mr. Kite posted 12/18/2013 14:30 PM

When I am lucid I know I love her and want desperately to fix what is broken and be happy again.

I am a fixer who is usually in control

I didn't find SI, or any other person or site that knew what these people know until 2010 - 16 years after D-day 1. Take full advantage of the experience and advice that is available here. I struggled all those years bouncing between being Mr. Nice Guy and being a mean bastard. Neither one worked. Most men I know, including myself, tend to be fixers. But you can't fix her, you can only fix yourself.

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