Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
First, you must drink water constantly. Always have water near.
Second, get any nutrician you can. Scrambled eggs? Yogurt? Anything that sounds remotely appealing - try and eat.
Third - gently but I need to be direct. She DOES NOT have the option to be torn. You are her mate. She must chose you. If she does not, she chooses him.
She has no right to toy with your feelings and keep you hanging until she decides what she wants.
You are her mate and she is your love. You do not deserve to spend a single hour in limbo.
Post here and feel the support. Know you are worthy of honesty and commitment.
Take care and know there are many here who care.
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
She says she is torn between us
You cannot fix this. It takes two of you and she is still in the A. So the question is how long will you continue to accept this situation. You hoped the OM's BW would change things. However, the change needs to come from her.
You say you've forgiven her. Except she hasn't agreed to even stop. So my question is how has her actions truly asked for any forgiveness?
Until she demonstrates true remorse I would advise against continuing the relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the reality is so much harsher because of her actions.
You cannot nice her back. If you could, then every one of us on this site would not be here. She needs to make a choice she is either with you and completely NC with the OM, or she is with the OM and needs to leave your house. If she says she can't or won't make the choice, then that IS her choice. She needs to leave the house. There is no room for 3 in a relationship. And if her OM has a BW or BGF, that person needs to know whats going on too. Because they have the same right to expect faithfulness from their SO as you do.
I'm really sorry. I know it's tough. But you didn't cause this, your WGF did.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I am surprised. You suffered such tremendous pain as you held hands with your dying wife as she passed away and you don't have the strength to kick this cheating slut to the curb where she belongs?
She didn't actually accidentally fall in love with a married man she willed it to happen and permitted it to proceed to 'love,' betraying both you and his BS in the process. Just sheer selfishness, and as such she deserves your contempt.
she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out.
probably need to let the OM's wife in on this. These things thrive in secrecy, the light of day tends to make all the fairy tales disappear.
Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Take it a day at a time, read what you can in the healing library.
This site is a haven.
They convince themselves that their love will guide them in the right direction, but in reality it kills them bit by bit. They spin their wheels so to speak until there is no tread left. They lose a part of themselves that they will never get back and will always regret that they lost it.
I understand everyone has to go through the process, and when you're ready, you will have a lot of advice here so I don't need to add any, but again, all I will say is I hope for your sake you hit the anger stage sooner than later (you will get it later on I suppose).
I'm extremely sorry for the pain and turmoil you are going through.
I suggest you seek counseling/therapy to help you deal with the immense pain you are going though, and to help you understand WHY you are willing to accept such horrific, unfair, hurtful treatment from this woman? She has made it clear - she's having a sexual affair with OM; and she is not willing to STOP.
You need to inform OM's wife that this affair is actively going on - she deserves to know.
I can't believe it's possible to "forgive" someone who purposely continues to hurt you in such a way ---Do you even know exactly what it is you are "forgiving?" CHEATERS are liars - so I doubt if you even know the "truth" about this affair.
Please take care of yourself.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Do not accept this arrangement. Clearly define what is acceptable behavior in your relationship. Then, if she will not agree, protect yourself by doing the 180.
You cannot control her.
You cannot nice her back.
This has nothing to do with you either.
She just did one of the cruelest things you can do to another person, and she is not remorseful.
I don't understand how you can say you love someone, tell them that you can see us together in the future and that you can't picture him in your future but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life!
Because she is really messed up emotionally. Far more than you realize.
Why does it hurt so much?
I know what that feels like...as do many others here. I think it has to do with thinking in our own heads that this has something to do with us, it takes a long time to get past that, but over time you will realize that you didn't do, or not do, anything that led to this. Eventually, you realize, that you were just a passenger in the plane when it crashed.
Hang in there, the first three months is pure hell. I didn't find this forum till almost two years had passed. It is a good place.
Know that your WS has already made her choice when she says she is not prepared to cease her relationship with this AP. She has chose him, she is willing to risk family, friends and you for him. Your feelings to her are unimportant at this time, her actions is her true feelings for you, not what she says.
She flaunts her affair at work, she brought him to your house and decided to be with him in front of you.
The more you do the soft sell trying to earn her back, the more she disrespects you. Don't be her doormat, she has made her decision - you make yours. She has been deceptive, lying and cheating on you for more than a year. She has finally found the strength to tell you she is not going to give up on this guy, she has given up on you. Do you really want to continue with the person you now know?
Time to protect yourself, seek a lawyer and start the paperwork, protect your finances, and your health from her relationship. Get tested for STDs. Tell your family and friends, of your situation. If this guy works with her, inform the HR department of the situation. Be sure to tell his wife how serious this has become.
If your lawyer agrees, pack her things and deliver them and her to either his house, her parents, or her work.
I really feel for you, I am also a betrayed husband. Time to grow a pair.
I was in the same place you were. I wanted my relationship to work so bad. I was willing to do anything. My wife was in "lurve" with the OM. She didn't know what to do. I was convinced that I would win if I were just kind and nice enough.
She made me pay for every act of kindness and understanding with unbelievable pain.
I finally said "screw this shit" this isn't worth it. This phase is what the other folks refer to as the "anger" phase. You WILL get there.
I finally kicked her off the fence. I called his wife. Guess what, he wasn't going anywhere. He had no long term plans with my wife at all. He kicked my wife to the curb so fast it was shocking. The force with which she was thrown under the bus was amazing. I almost felt bad for her.
I reached a place where I realized that she wasn't the prize I was. I let her stop controlling everything and things got better.
So this is what's going to happen if you start to 180 her. You will see her try to get closer as you pull away. She wants to control the situation and she will absolutely play you to do so. She has a cape with a big "M" on it for Manipulator. She will teach you a thing or two about that. She wants you waiting while she makes up her mind. As long as you wait she WILL NOT make up her mind. She simply won't do it.
Your ONLY move is to choose not to participate. Tell her you won't be the third person in this marriage and to let you know when she has decided. Tell her that either decision is A-ok with you. If you do this things will change.
Everyone here will tell you the same thing and I mean everyone. You cannot "nice" your WW back into the relationship. You can't win this one by being nice so don't try. You aren't going to be the lone case where this works.
I am 20 months out and the only thing that keeps me up at night is wishing I could have a "do-over" on D-day. It would have saved me so much pain and agony.
I would have simply walked away and filed for divorce. I still wanted to be married but it would have shortcut everything. Instead I tried to be nice and got two solid months of her not being able to make a decision. That two months was the worst of my life.
Don't make the mistake I did. I am sure a lot of others would beg you for the same thing. For us it's like watching someone walk into an oncoming train. We know how to prevent it. We've been there.
Best of luck to you....
Everyone is right. As long as your wife has options, she won’t choose. She has everything she wants right now. Why would she give that up? Because you’re hurting? She’s proven that her wants trump that already. Don’t wait for that to change – it won’t.
The other problem with trying to be nice is that you become ‘weak’. No one wants a weak, spineless spouse. People like confidence and self worth. If you allow your wife to continue to have a boyfriend, she will absolutely view you as weak. She will tell her boyfriend about it (yes, although she isn’t sharing much with you, she’s telling him everything so he feels important. In turn he’ll make her feel important. That’s how this game goes.), and her boyfriend will use it to his advantage to continue to portray you as weak, and then tell her she really should cut you loose. Guess what? She will!
You MUST appear strong, even when you want to crumble. You MUST push her off her fence and take away her options. You MUST not allow her to continue on with her boyfriend. Make it clear that if she does, even one more time, she will need to move out. DO NOT SAY THIS IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT.
You probably will need to kick her out, btw. She’ll think you’re bluffing. Show her you aren’t. If she cares, she’ll come back and stop being a cheater. If not, well you saved yourself some heartache that’s coming your way anyway.
I’m sorry this is so blunt and direct, but as others said, we’ve seen this before. The longer you let it continue, the less chance you have of your wife ‘choosing’ you.
My advice kick her ass squarely off the fence now by removing yourself from the equation. A M can't survive with 3 people in it.
but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life
You can't beg, plead, manipulate, or nice your SO back into the relationship. The only person you can control is yourself. The longer you let her sit back and whine over her lost luurve with the OM the more damage is done to your soul. Free yourself and start focusing on you and what you want. The 180 is your best damn friend ever right now. None of this is your fault. She chose to go out and sleep with another man and nothing you did caused her to make that choice. You will be fine just remember to take care of yourself and keep posting it really does help.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
When I am lucid I know I love her and want desperately to fix what is broken and be happy again.
I am a fixer who is usually in control
I didn't find SI, or any other person or site that knew what these people know until 2010 - 16 years after D-day 1. Take full advantage of the experience and advice that is available here. I struggled all those years bouncing between being Mr. Nice Guy and being a mean bastard. Neither one worked. Most men I know, including myself, tend to be fixers. But you can't fix her, you can only fix yourself.