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Fake it 'til I make it?

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20Hopeful16 posted 12/17/2013 18:52 PM

I am doing everything I need to do... IC (since days after DDay), 180 (off and on more on, learning as I go), NC (8 days), I go to the gym, go out with friends, keep busy with the kids, and do stuff for myself.

WH has been out of the house in an apartment with his AP for three months now. If her divorce isn't final yet, it will be soon. Her BS has already moved on (married three years, no children).

WH just called to talk to the kids (surprising since he had just talked to them Sunday and it was a week since he talked to them before that), and DS#2 handed the phone to me after he was done. We had a very brief discussion (did you get the stuff I dropped off for you yesterday? yes, please don't leave it on the reception desk in the future (no one was there, if he wants his stuff to be secure maybe he should change his address to reflect his new home?)). I feel like I did well.

But even with all this, I just want him to realized he's made a horrible mistake, that he loves me and only me, that he'll get all the IC he needs, that he'll go to MC, and that he'll spend the rest of our lives making this up to me.

And I just don't know how to move past that. Does faking it until I make it really work? Or is it possible there is hope for us (although I have been NC for 8 days and he only talked to the kids twice in that time, he's tried to contact me all but one of the days)?

nekorb posted 12/17/2013 19:06 PM

Have you read anything about codependency? May want to see if that fits the bill. I've spent lots of time on that in therapy.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/17/2013 21:38 PM

Hi Hopeful,

You sound like you're doing pretty great as you say but you still have a hard time moving past.. as you said...

I just want him to realized he's made a horrible mistake, that he loves me and only me, that he'll get all the IC he needs, that he'll go to MC, and that he'll spend the rest of our lives making this up to me.

That's been my dream too. It's probably most everyone's dream who wants to R. I've since realized that as much as I still love him (sometimes, heaven help me), he's really not worth it. He's really not such a great guy, not a great husband, not a moral upstanding guy, not honest, not empathetic, extremely selfish, all about him, all the time.. the list goes on. So while "in my dreams" I STILL wish i could have the relationship i once had with him, i know now that that was a limited relationship, and it was real, but it didn't face some tough issues. And when they issues came, he failed, and failed miserably. Sounds like your WS did too?

So even if a part of me still wishes for the awesome R, a much bigger, smarter, wiser part of me knows now (my dday was earlier than yours) that's actually not what my heart wishes. I want a new and improved him! BUT he will never be anything other than who he is.

Do you want him back, or only if he changes? Can he change, will be change, does he want to change? Does he have that potential, really?

Have you closed the door on him completely or does he think you have? Or does he know that he has to meet certain conditions? It might be just easier to be with OW now than to deal with the whole IC/MC work. Yep much easier. Definitely not eternally blissful, but for now, at least, easier. Emotional coward?

I tried to get some background on your story but links on posts are not always yours so it's hard as I don't know so much about your story.

Is there hope that he'll wake up? Maybe. It does happen, and then in other cases the WS just keeps the OW fantasy going, until it stops being a fantasy and they break up, or in more rare cases, becomes another regular long term relationship, married or not, with it's ups and downs.

No matter what, you are dealing with a very complex fallout of a recent trauma and your feelings of hope for a "happier" ending are shared I think by most. Fake it 'til you make it is one way of seeing it; another is know that it's a process, and that with time your feelings will work themselves out and you likely will not be longing for him as you are now. And if he comes back, that would be another process.

It sounds like you're doing great, but are still aching for him. 4 months out, I would say you are pretty much a super star.

20Hopeful16 posted 12/18/2013 08:52 AM

Do you want him back, or only if he changes? Can he change, will be change, does he want to change? Does he have that potential, really?

See the thing is, I think he does have that potential. Although he is a selfish asshole right now, he has not always been that way. He has his faults, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Until this. Which I think is a classic mid-life crisis brought on by the death of his mother (his last surviving parent) in October of 2012 which brought up a ton of FOO issues that he had not dealt with. Not excusing his behavior at all, just trying to understand where it came from in a man who shocked everyone by this... not just me, but our friends, our family, his boss. Everyone! It is that unlike how he was for the first 39 years of his life.

I don't know if he can change, because I don't know if he'll be willing to deal with these issues now. And will I still want him back when/if he does? I don't know. But I do think the possibility is there.

rachelc posted 12/18/2013 09:02 AM

20hopeful: hugs!!

I think you need to grieve for something you have lost that is never coming back. Even if it does, it will be different, you both would be different.

I wonder if you focus on yourself exclusively, you would stop wondering about him. I bet if you did, you really wouldn't want him back. I get the potential thing, and I'm sure he does have that, but don't put your life on hold waiting for that to happen.

Act as if it's already gone. Build the life YOU want for YOURSELF, with or without him. If something happens in the future to bring you back together, YOU will be healthier.

hugs! I know it's hard!

7yrsflushed posted 12/18/2013 09:54 AM

Faking it until you make it works to get you over the initial hump. After that you actually have to get to a point where you can allow yourself to go through the emotions and try to accept things as they are right now. Hope can take a long time to die and it's agony getting there. Keep doing what you are doing but allow yourself to actually accept, understand, and grieve the loss of your M. Don't avoid the sadness. If you need to sit down and cry then do it. When the anger comes let it come. Don't avoid your emotions.

Here is what I did to help push myself towards detachment. Sorry for the language but it worked for me. Whenever I had a thought about my STBXWW coming back or some fond memory I said the following out loud or in my head over and over, "STBXWW fucked her married coworker OM for 3 years behind my back and lied to my face and my childrens face everyday about it!!" I also would think of the worse thing that she did during her A that I knew about and it would get me pissed off. Took awhile but with that tactic and staying busy and doing things I wanted to do for myself and the kids I eventually got to indifference. I tried to force myself to face the reality of my new life without my STBXWW. I don't know if this will help you but it's what I did. I wish you the best. No matter how you get through it you will eventually. it gets better and honestly you don't want to be with someone that thinks so little of you and you WILL see that and KNOW it in the near future.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:55 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

20Hopeful16 posted 12/18/2013 12:30 PM

Thank you all for the replies. It definitely helps me examine everything.

What doesn't help is WH trying to contact me every day. I just made the mistake of picking up the phone without checking the caller ID, and, of course, it was him. I kept it brief and refused to let him cake eat as I assume he is trying to do.

Meantime I am keeping busy today with tons of pre-Christmas organizing. Part of which is to take everything of his left in the house and get it somewhere I can't see it.

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