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I've been doing mostly better. I got a new hobby that I'm excited about. I met new friends. I've been doing good on setting boundaries and working on co-dependency stuff. I struggled at the beginning of November when the stores put out Christmas stuff, and started having panic attacks when I would go shopping and see it. He had sex with the OW last year for the first time on Christmas day, so Christmas is a trigger for me. I discussed it with my IC, and she advised doing something that I love (entertaining) to make the holidays better this year. So I planned a party for this weekend for all my friends, and I've been mostly excited about it. At least, the entertaining part. I put all the Christmas decorations in the house yesterday. And I'm sitting here right now looking at the tree and wanting to smash every ornament on it. I know it's irrational. I know it's a trigger. But I literally hate my tree right now, and I want to destroy it.

I remember last year shopping for a tree stand in Wal Mart with him, and he was texting someone a lot. I asked him to pay more attention to me, and he got upset at me for not allowing him to talk to his friends. I now know that he was texting the OW. He had sex with her on Christmas day. And then he went to a Christmas party with me two days after that at my best friend's house. He carved the turkey. I remember thinking how cute he was doing it. I know now that he was sending sexual texts to the OW at that party, with me in the same room. We went to my house after the party, and I tried to kiss him. Out of the blue, he he broke up with me. The day before New Year's Eve. He didn't give me the real reason. I didn't know about OW. I spent New Year's Eve digging my fingernails in my hand so that the physical pain would distract me from thinking about what happened. I didn't know the truth then. But I know the truth now, and looking back on how I was feeling then and knowing what I know now... it just makes me sick.

My IC is out of town until after the holidays. I thought I was going to be able to do this, and that I had a plan. But right now it's all feeling overwhelming, and I hate my tree. No real question... just wanted to post where I know other people will understand how I'm feeling.

Throw a sheet over your tree until the day of the party......

Maybe-maybe tomorrow will be better. Yesterday was one of the lowest days I've had so far, and I've been in this hell for 4 months. Just a deep, deep sadness...just overwhelming. In bed, shaking, and crying all day. Then today, as I had to make a long car drive by myself , I had a kind of breakthrough in my thinking and processing all this shitty garbage WS have to deal with. And I was like "wow! Yesterday I was a total basket case , and today I'm a bit stronger." Not all better. Not over it. Not even closer to figuring out whether to stay or go. But still, stronger somehow. So, maybe you will be better tomorrow.
Being a BS sucks. What we deal with sucks. Christmas coming sucks. But I hope for you that tomorrow you can focus on your menu, your party and your friends. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

I'm sorry.

Personally, I would put the ornaments away and toss the tree.

Last year the only ornaments on our tree were the ones that were my children's. Wh tried to cajole me into putting 'our' ornaments on - if looks could have caused physical pain....

The tree this year again has only ornaments that are our children's. I don't know when/if "our" ornaments will go up as many of them are now suspect.

If people ask the day of the party, just tell them you decided against a tree this year.

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 10:03 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

You need a plan for the tree. You are throwing a party so you need to have a plan. You can:

1) leave the tree alone, and perhaps hide it as someone else suggested. Hiding may not work if you have kids.
2) ditch the current tree and/or ornaments and go shopping for replacement. This might be stressful and if you have kids you need a good story as explanation
3) ditch the current tree and replace it with something else holiday like. Maybe an inflatable Santa. I bet no one has ever seen one of those in the living room!! Again, if you have kids you need a good story
4) ditch the tree and tell everyone the Grinch took it to his workshop to fix a broken bulb.
5) Keep the tree and most of the ornaments. But pick a few (like those stupid "First Christmas" crap ones) and have a therapeutic destruction of them
6) Block the tree from your mind and pretend it does not exist. I hesitate to post this because it might suggest rug sweeping, but it is only for the sake of the party and the kids that you would be doing this. And then you can make a better plan for next year

Good luck and (((hugs)))

oh hell, triple post

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 11:00 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

oh hell, triple post

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 11:01 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Thanks guys. The party is Saturday, so I'm going to leave it up until then. And then I'm going to take it down Sunday. I might throw all the ornaments away too, and start over next year. No kids, just me. I used to love decorating for Christmas.

((((lonelygirl)))) Sending you strength and comfort, honey.

(((Lonelygirl10)))

Why not make it a tree trimming party? Have your friends help you decorate the tree.

One of the things that made me so angry last year was that WS RUINED Christmas for me. I love Christmas. This year, after a rocky start, I have worked hard to reclaim it. There is no way that a holiday you love should be one more things your WBF took from you. Don't let him. He already ruined Christmas for you once, don't let him keep doing it.

One of the things that made me so angry last year was that WS RUINED Christmas for me. I love Christmas. This year, after a rocky start, I have worked hard to reclaim it.

That's why I planned the party for this weekend. My IC thought that my love of entertaining would help me to reclaim Christmas. I have about 12 people coming over, and I am excited about it. But seeing the tree in my house every night is harder than I thought it was going to be I guess. I just keep thinking of him with her, and it's making me feel angry at him even though he hasn't done anything wrong recently.

Can you make the party a white elephant ornament exchange? You get rid of 12 ornaments you do not want, in exchange your guests bring an ornament from their tree they don't want. It's a way to change the dynamic of the tree. Your friends will be helping you create new memories around what is a painful situation. Maybe in the future you could look at those white elephant ornaments and feel the love of your friends.

Hugs,
K

That's a good idea. Thanks!