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What does 100 percent look like? Feel like?

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AceKnight posted 12/18/2013 01:11 AM

I have seen and heard the phrase 100% used a lot. What does it look like? How do you know how to achieve 100% when there are no guidelines or matrix provided?

One simple or big failure means 100% isn't achieved. Is it truly a way to achieve 100% with guidelines or not? Am I simply retaking the same test over and over again until I achieve 100% on the test? Or is a new test given each time I fail with more possible answers?

Obviously, there were not any guidelines or a matrix provided for BSs recovery or to be cheating on. This is definitely recognized. So is 100% an accurate goal for either WSs or BSs? How can things really be 100% once infidelity has occurred?

I am a WS looking to win back my BS and have her know she is the only one for me forever. It has only been a few months since our DDay, but there are destructive behaviors that are taking place that will eventually get one or both of us hurt further than the hurt we are experiencing now.

100% has been used as the number to be able to move forward in a total reconciliation. Is 100% a real number?

Thanks for any responses.

heforgotme posted 12/18/2013 07:21 AM

To me 100% refers to effort, not a goal of perfection.

Perfection isn't really possible for anyone, infidelity or no, so making it the goal would be setting yourself up to fail.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/18/2013 07:38 AM

I second what heforgotme wrote.

there are destructive behaviors that are taking place that will eventually get one or both of us hurt

Your wording here is impersonal. Behaviors are taking place? That's how I might describe a scientific experiment in which I observed how two chemicals reacted to one another. Behaviors are not *taking place,* AK. You are doing stuff. She is doing stuff. If that stuff is leading to more hurt...quit it! Do different stuff.

You (each) are in control of your own destiny. You can't control your BS, but you can control yourself. That's what 100% means to's about effort, not winning. You have to let go of the outcome of your M, because you both need to be *all in* for that. You devote yourself 100% to identifying and stopping those "destructive behaviors" to which you referred, and developing new, constructive behaviors.

So, stop worrying about guidelines and achievement and winning and failing. Read the quote in my signature line.

sodamnlost posted 12/18/2013 09:29 AM

Hopefully a BS point of view may help. To me, 100% is not perfection, its my WH's efforts. If my WH was giving me his ALL and screwing up - that's ok - I don't expect him to be perfect. If he's giving me 100%, eventually his screw ups get smaller because he's working on fixing his unhealthy behaviors. He's not there and this is the big reason we are seperated. I just sent an email of this mornings journal to my WH talking about this actually. Maybe it can help you see things through a BS's eyes.

We are seperated but still trying for the record, he stayed here last night. We had a good few hours as a family followed by about an hour of icky. I was scared and he knew it when we got home. The rollercoaster sucks.

Night two of him sleeping over. After a decent dinner and a trip in the world, I told him I was uncomfortable. I told him if we can't make this feeling go away I wanted him to leave. I asked him to help me. He takes dogs out and when he comes back I am asleep. Maybe I'm expecting too much but he just went to bed. He could have emailed me a kibble. He could have woke me up and asked me what I wanted him to do. He could have read a portion of the book I suggested and emailed me his thoughts on what he read. If he REALLY wanted to fix me and give me what I need - he would have found a way - ANY way to get me what I need. Even if I didn't know it until later. If he REALLY wanted to fix me - that would take priority over anything he wants. I would *ALWAYS* come first, no matter what the sacrifice - be it his comfort, his sleep, his needs, his pride, his reputation, his ego - none of that should matter. Yet those are all still more important than me.

So that's a BS's raw feelings about what it feels like when I don't see 100%. Which also gives examples of what 100% looks like. Is it an enormous feat? YUP! I know this. I know this is hard for the WS but honestly - that's the ONLY way to REALLY undo the damage that is the tornado inflicted on a BS when their spouse has an affair. Massive damage requires massive recovery efforts.

AceKnight posted 12/18/2013 09:33 AM

The science experiment example clarified to me that I cannot look at this as an exact science for results. Like a step by step direction guide.

Thank you for the responses. I can see how the thought of "winning" is an issue. It breeds competition and we are not supposed to be in a competition with each other.

The feeling is that is associated with winning - joy, enthusiasm, and exhilaration is what I am seeking and those feelings are what needs to be conveyed and understood. I am definitely seeking it to have it while R.

Hard work pays off.

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