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User Topic: What does 100 percent look like? Feel like?
♂ 39832
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen and heard the phrase 100% used a lot. What does it look like? How do you know how to achieve 100% when there are no guidelines or matrix provided?

One simple or big failure means 100% isn't achieved. Is it truly a way to achieve 100% with guidelines or not? Am I simply retaking the same test over and over again until I achieve 100% on the test? Or is a new test given each time I fail with more possible answers?

Obviously, there were not any guidelines or a matrix provided for BSs recovery or to be cheating on. This is definitely recognized. So is 100% an accurate goal for either WSs or BSs? How can things really be 100% once infidelity has occurred?

I am a WS looking to win back my BS and have her know she is the only one for me forever. It has only been a few months since our DDay, but there are destructive behaviors that are taking place that will eventually get one or both of us hurt further than the hurt we are experiencing now.

100% has been used as the number to be able to move forward in a total reconciliation. Is 100% a real number?

Thanks for any responses.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me 100% refers to effort, not a goal of perfection.

Perfection isn't really possible for anyone, infidelity or no, so making it the goal would be setting yourself up to fail.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second what heforgotme wrote.

there are destructive behaviors that are taking place that will eventually get one or both of us hurt

Your wording here is impersonal. Behaviors are taking place? That's how I might describe a scientific experiment in which I observed how two chemicals reacted to one another. Behaviors are not *taking place,* AK. You are doing stuff. She is doing stuff. If that stuff is leading to more hurt...quit it! Do different stuff.

You (each) are in control of your own destiny. You can't control your BS, but you can control yourself. That's what 100% means to's about effort, not winning. You have to let go of the outcome of your M, because you both need to be *all in* for that. You devote yourself 100% to identifying and stopping those "destructive behaviors" to which you referred, and developing new, constructive behaviors.

So, stop worrying about guidelines and achievement and winning and failing. Read the quote in my signature line.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

Posts: 1523 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: The First Coast
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully a BS point of view may help. To me, 100% is not perfection, its my WH's efforts. If my WH was giving me his ALL and screwing up - that's ok - I don't expect him to be perfect. If he's giving me 100%, eventually his screw ups get smaller because he's working on fixing his unhealthy behaviors. He's not there and this is the big reason we are seperated. I just sent an email of this mornings journal to my WH talking about this actually. Maybe it can help you see things through a BS's eyes.

We are seperated but still trying for the record, he stayed here last night. We had a good few hours as a family followed by about an hour of icky. I was scared and he knew it when we got home. The rollercoaster sucks.

Night two of him sleeping over. After a decent dinner and a trip in the world, I told him I was uncomfortable. I told him if we can't make this feeling go away I wanted him to leave. I asked him to help me. He takes dogs out and when he comes back I am asleep. Maybe I'm expecting too much but he just went to bed. He could have emailed me a kibble. He could have woke me up and asked me what I wanted him to do. He could have read a portion of the book I suggested and emailed me his thoughts on what he read. If he REALLY wanted to fix me and give me what I need - he would have found a way - ANY way to get me what I need. Even if I didn't know it until later. If he REALLY wanted to fix me - that would take priority over anything he wants. I would *ALWAYS* come first, no matter what the sacrifice - be it his comfort, his sleep, his needs, his pride, his reputation, his ego - none of that should matter. Yet those are all still more important than me.

So that's a BS's raw feelings about what it feels like when I don't see 100%. Which also gives examples of what 100% looks like. Is it an enormous feat? YUP! I know this. I know this is hard for the WS but honestly - that's the ONLY way to REALLY undo the damage that is the tornado inflicted on a BS when their spouse has an affair. Massive damage requires massive recovery efforts.

Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016

Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an

Posts: 772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Out of the ashes
♂ 39832
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The science experiment example clarified to me that I cannot look at this as an exact science for results. Like a step by step direction guide.

Thank you for the responses. I can see how the thought of "winning" is an issue. It breeds competition and we are not supposed to be in a competition with each other.

The feeling is that is associated with winning - joy, enthusiasm, and exhilaration is what I am seeking and those feelings are what needs to be conveyed and understood. I am definitely seeking it to have it while R.

Hard work pays off.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 5

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