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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: awkward conversation with wh tonight
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are days I think ok maybe he gets it, and then something is said and I can see just how far from getting it he is.

Case in point...

Tonight I told him I was having a girls night out for my birthday this year, still do the normal dinner with the family, but I want to go out, have a few drinks and have fun. He asked if I would let someone buy me a drink, my first thought was Oh he'd actually care, but I said no not sure where this was going, he asked why not, I was curious to see where he was going and our dd was standing there, I said no that's not very safe, he said so if someone offered you a free drink you wouldn't take it? Cause I would come on its a free drink. I was dumbfounded, for starters is my wh giving me permission to let guys buy me drinks, and two he just admitted he'd let another girl buy him a drink. WTH???

He quickly followed it with, well if a guy offeredi would take that too, come on its a free drink.

I just played it off as nothing since our dd was still standing there, just saying how stupidly unsafe it would be to take a drink from a stranger, when my dd follows up with yeah dad they could poison you.

But it's been simmering in my mind for a few hours now, and it's really bugging me. I'm just glad he doesn't go out with the guys but maybe once a year and that's with my cousin, who's like a brother to me.

Am I crazy, or is that just all kinds of messed up thinking on his part?


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not crazy. After everything, he is still not getting it. And not a very good thing to be talking about with DD right there. In private, maybe SLAP HIM ALONG SIDE THE HEAD - HARD.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you are not crazy! He is still thinking with a cheater mindset, he is justifying with "It's a free a drink." Someone with strong boundaries wouldn't think that, they would think that is unsafe territory and opening a door I do not wish to open.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when my dd follows up with yeah dad they could poison you.

B

T/j. Cute what your DD said. Just reminded me of my kids when they were younger...they would have said that too


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no such thing as a free lunch, a free beer, or a free f**k. And if he hasn't learned that by now, then he needs to.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's got a lot of nerve saying that he would, after he's cheated on you. Didn't you feel like saying, "Yeah, and see where it got you."

He sounds insecure and is definitely outside the bounds of what's appropriate to be casually talking about in front of your DD. My DD is 7, and she understands a lot, like I'm sure your SD does. He has just planted the idea in your DD's mind that another strange man might try to buy you a drink. That's an irresponsible thing to do.

I would be bothered about this....big time.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Kalliopeia
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep, he is insecure and laying it on you.

He wants reassurance and is not brave enough to ask for a hug.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, this seems like something else to me, like a test? Is he trying to figure out how loose your boundaries are? SMH


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26192 | Registered: Aug 2011
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies and to know I'm not crazy thinking this. I have thought about a lot of what you all said, is he testing me? Part of me wants to fail that test just to throw it in his face. He's bothered that I wanta girls night for my birthday, but ok with another man buying me a drink, how does that even make sense? It doesn't!!!

All I got from this conversation was he's ok with me getting free drinks and I won't be letting him go to guys night ever, except I don't want to be his mommy and teach him right from wrong!!!

And nomistake, I didn't think about that, I knew it wasn't a conversation to have infront of our daughter, that's why i played it off jokingly saying it's not safe and I wouldn't take a drink from a man or a women at a bar unless I knew them, but I didn't think about how she now may think mommies getting drinks from men other then daddy.

My birthday isn't until the end of January anyways, so hopefully it will blow over in my daughter's mind!

I swear the stupidity of my wh never ends, he always finds a way to remind me!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he read NOT Just Friends yet? If not, he should…and you should, too. You obviously have better boundaries than he does. However, it is a good book and examines how affairs happen from a 360 degree. Both of you will see how signals are out there and misinterpreted and no one really "intends" for something to happen but it's easy for it to happen once the door has been opened so to speak.

BTW, I had a similar experience with my SAWH tonite. He often *hears* me say things that I don't say. Tonight, we were talking about what is different about me, him + our marriage. He said he knows he shouldn't be in situations where he might cheat, he won't go out of his way to be in those situations. In the case of his A, it was served to him on a silver platter (single woman pursued him and he did not resist) I was like well you did not exactly go out of your way this time, either and that did not stop you. I also said that it's probably very hard for anyone to try to change their ways and not be so selfish after being selfish for 40+ years. Being selfish is a default for him and having a plan to change that about yourself is one thing but actually doing it is another and keeping it up is yet another. He said he is making changes and he listed all of the things he was doing and got progressively more defensive. I asked him why he was getting so defensive/acting like such a victim. He said "Well you don't think I can change, you don't think I am taking steps. " Um…I did not say that at all. That is what you HEARD and what I said was it's had for anyone to change and it's hard for anyone to practice what they say they are going to do to make a change.

I pretty much don't care anymore, and that kind of scares me. I am pretty surprised at how detached I feel on a regular basis. We get along fine but I'm sort of at an impasse with myself. If I stay (I'm still undecided) I feel like I will know if he cheats again and it will be over. I'm not doing this again.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Womeninflex... I agree its hard for a person to change especially a habit/behavior they've been doing most of their life (unless you're put thru a trama like us BS's and are forced to change), that is why I'm not sure my wh will ever change. And as for your last paragraph, that is exactly where I am, I am done caring anymore, he knows what he needs to do if he wants us to make it after I'm done with school. And if he doesn't then I know I will be fine and he'll just have to deal with that.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 11

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