@Exit Wounds - happy birthday
@spond - thank you.
@Hurt2012 - I'm sorry we have to share something like D-days. I hope 2014 brings you healing and peace.
@Rachelc - Words of wisdom? There are others on SI who are more eloquent and have more words of wisdom than I. If your question is how did we (FWW and I) do it? Part of me has to answer honestly, I don't really know. There were times when I didn't know if we would.
Part of it, though, is that FWW always maintained that she never wanted to end the marriage. Even during the affair. I think she really thought of it as a mid-life crisis (as corny or lame as it sounds). Something she selfishly wanted to experience. Part of it too, was her belief that an affair would not destroy our marriage (a belief formulated by the fact that her parents both had multiple affairs during the 1970's - which they told her about when she left for college - yet the year before FWW's affair we celebrated her parent's 50th wedding anniversary).
Thus, once she ended the affair, the decision to reconcile was more my decision whether I wanted to remain in the marriage. Other than stopping having sex with OM and answering any question I had, there wasn't much that FWW really "did" to help me heal. At least nothing pro-active, she was reactive to whatever I asked for. And to be honest, I haven't asked for much (beyond details).
Most of my healing was internal and self-driven. That and alot of sessions with my psychologist and reading scores of books on infidelity, marriage, human sexuality, etc.
I weighed the pros and cons of staying in the marriage. And in the final analysis, I realized (or rather just knew) that it was not "who I am" to leave the marriage. When we got married, I vowed to love her through good times and bad. It's really easy to love someone through good times. The test is whether you can love them through the bad. I guess I did, and do.
Not sure if any of this makes any sense. But I guess the only person for whom it really needs to make sense is me.