Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: Ws change of heart all of a sudden?
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night my WH, when talking about the A, was uncharacteristically sweet, supportive, patient, loving, and not defensive.

In the shower we were talking, and I told him that I have a holiday lunch on Friday with my office. He told me that his group is having one at that time as well, so that works out well. I told him that whenever we cant meet for lunch, or talk at break I have an anxiety attack, and trigger etc.

I also told him that a year ago this Friday is when we got in a car accident where our car flipped with the twins inside, and on the way to the hospital in the ambulance he was texting the OW. That same day she wore crotchless panties to work for him..another trigger, AND at lunch I saw him and the OW drive past.

I guess I never told him that I was crying during lunch about all of it, and he was ALL SHOCKED. He said I should have called him and told him I was crying and he would have rushed over. I told him that he WOULDNT have, because he was in the fog. He insisted he would have.

He insisted that he is so sorry about what happened, and I pointed out that he didnt see the OW for what a bad person she was, and he said he does NOW, and he said that he is a better person now than he was. He learned from his mistake and he is a better person, and it will never happen again, and he feels horrible that I cried like that, and what he put us through. And he says that he thinks that back when the A started that was one of our issues, that we dont tell each other things...we bottle them up, and we both need to work on being more open with each other. I told him how I still hurt, and how I feel like i cant tell him everything that I feel because he gets defensive, and he apoligized and said that we dont need to talk about the A everyday, but really important stuff we need to talk about.

Im just realy confused by this change of heart. I am happy that he says he sees what a bad person the OW is, and sees how wrong what he did was,but I guess I am just scared to open my heart...or trust what he is saying. The damage is already done.

How do you open your heart?

OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 32240
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully the change of heart and desire to be open is a positive step towards R. I think you're right in being confused by it though because your gut is probably telling you to be suspicious of unfamiliar behavior. My FWW is the same way when it comes to talking about the A, very defensive and will shut down during conversations.

It takes time to trust after all of this. He has to do the things that you need to build that trust or it will take longer. I know that I'll never have blind trust/faith in FWW again but she's made me feel safe enough through her actions to all me to feel vulnerable again. Eventually it came down to a choice to trust but also with the realization that I won't go through R again, next time I'm out, and she's clear on that too.

Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 270 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
♀ 36774
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were both very much stuffers. We are trying harder to share alot more with each other.
Its not always easy but it gets easier every time.
I have realized how much i hate sharing my feelings and stuff them down.
Its kind of a leap of faith at first, to just put yourself out there and do it. But I promise it will feel good to just do it and have his support.
I have gotten better at sharing, for me getting those first words out were the hardest. Sometimes I still have to "prepare" myself, Its hard if im put on the spot but the difference is a give myself a little time and definitly come back to it that same day.
My H was not a big sharer at all, he shares alot more with me but not everything. He says he really does feel alot better sharing his feelings with me and wishes he had always done it.

him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 41690
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken2012, it's like I wrote that post myself. We are going through the same thing and I'm so sorry. I think (or at least want to think) that my H is genuinely sorry for what he did. He has told me what type of person he was and now, he can recognize that person when he starts feeling like he's slipping back and immediately replace it with his new found behavior.

We didn't talk enough either in our M. It was easier to become settled with a routine (me) and easier to find "excitement" somewhere else (him).

It's hard to maybe accept that you are "lucky" in the sense that you have a H who wants to work on moving things forward. I guess it's rare in the grand scheme of things but it's not impossible to have a stronger M from all this, as long as he's willing to help you and you're willing to accept the help.

It's all about taking that leap of faith, but taking that leap with eyes wide open this time.

Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest things that we are still working on, is being totally open with each other. Talking about things when they come up, or as soon as we can process them. It's a choice we have to make every day, to be totally open. But it is becoming easier for us. Each time we choose to be open, we build a new row in our marriage foundation. And each time that, by being open and honest with each other, we bring up a painful subject that is discussed and dealt with, honestly and without drama, we reinforce the necessity of bring up problems while they are small vice letting them grow huge.

and said that we dont need to talk about the A everyday, but really important stuff we need to talk about.

With gentleness, as long as you have the need to talk about the A, it's necessary. That is more important than the other really important stuff. So please encourage his talking but don't let him think that you asking what you need to ask isn't just as important. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9908 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night my WH, when talking about the A, was uncharacteristically sweet, supportive, patient, loving, and not defensive.

This naturally begs the question, why the change in behavior? and, why now? IMO, your radar has just blipped. You deserve to protect yourself with some level of caution, based on his betrayal, so I say exercise that caution. If his actions match his words, it's all to the good. You could even choose to acknowledge to him how much you appreciated his being "sweet, supportive, patient....etc.".

I'm not very fond of the "you should have" stuff either. It makes it seem like you did something wrong by not calling him.

I'm a bit cynical these days, so you can take what I say with a grain of salt, but it were me, I'd be a little nervous about this uncharacteristic behavior.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 6 (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12

Posts: 1288 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.