In the shower we were talking, and I told him that I have a holiday lunch on Friday with my office. He told me that his group is having one at that time as well, so that works out well. I told him that whenever we cant meet for lunch, or talk at break I have an anxiety attack, and trigger etc.
I also told him that a year ago this Friday is when we got in a car accident where our car flipped with the twins inside, and on the way to the hospital in the ambulance he was texting the OW. That same day she wore crotchless panties to work for him..another trigger, AND at lunch I saw him and the OW drive past.
I guess I never told him that I was crying during lunch about all of it, and he was ALL SHOCKED. He said I should have called him and told him I was crying and he would have rushed over. I told him that he WOULDNT have, because he was in the fog. He insisted he would have.
He insisted that he is so sorry about what happened, and I pointed out that he didnt see the OW for what a bad person she was, and he said he does NOW, and he said that he is a better person now than he was. He learned from his mistake and he is a better person, and it will never happen again, and he feels horrible that I cried like that, and what he put us through. And he says that he thinks that back when the A started that was one of our issues, that we dont tell each other things...we bottle them up, and we both need to work on being more open with each other. I told him how I still hurt, and how I feel like i cant tell him everything that I feel because he gets defensive, and he apoligized and said that we dont need to talk about the A everyday, but really important stuff we need to talk about.
Im just realy confused by this change of heart. I am happy that he says he sees what a bad person the OW is, and sees how wrong what he did was,but I guess I am just scared to open my heart...or trust what he is saying. The damage is already done.
How do you open your heart?
It takes time to trust after all of this. He has to do the things that you need to build that trust or it will take longer. I know that I'll never have blind trust/faith in FWW again but she's made me feel safe enough through her actions to all me to feel vulnerable again. Eventually it came down to a choice to trust but also with the realization that I won't go through R again, next time I'm out, and she's clear on that too.
We didn't talk enough either in our M. It was easier to become settled with a routine (me) and easier to find "excitement" somewhere else (him).
It's hard to maybe accept that you are "lucky" in the sense that you have a H who wants to work on moving things forward. I guess it's rare in the grand scheme of things but it's not impossible to have a stronger M from all this, as long as he's willing to help you and you're willing to accept the help.
It's all about taking that leap of faith, but taking that leap with eyes wide open this time.
and said that we dont need to talk about the A everyday, but really important stuff we need to talk about.
With gentleness, as long as you have the need to talk about the A, it's necessary. That is more important than the other really important stuff. So please encourage his talking but don't let him think that you asking what you need to ask isn't just as important. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Last night my WH, when talking about the A, was uncharacteristically sweet, supportive, patient, loving, and not defensive.
This naturally begs the question, why the change in behavior? and, why now? IMO, your radar has just blipped. You deserve to protect yourself with some level of caution, based on his betrayal, so I say exercise that caution. If his actions match his words, it's all to the good. You could even choose to acknowledge to him how much you appreciated his being "sweet, supportive, patient....etc.".
I'm not very fond of the "you should have" stuff either. It makes it seem like you did something wrong by not calling him.
I'm a bit cynical these days, so you can take what I say with a grain of salt, but it were me, I'd be a little nervous about this uncharacteristic behavior.