One of the things that has helped the both of us heal is getting rid of any physical items that XAP gave me. Although there was nice art books I received, I felt that they were tainted, and needed them gone. It was a bit of a relief donating those books. Some other person will enjoy them and I won't have to feel bad throwing away useful items.
But...then there's those gifts. XAP was an artist like me. Before the A even happened, we both drew in my sketchbook during slow periods at work. It was painful going through all if those drawings, but if he "tainted" any of my drawings, they had to go. It was hard because my drawings are like my children. They may suck, but I guess I lament that yet another consequence if my actions is that a piece of my art progression is now gone.
But...it overall felt good. The two of us had some hot chocolate, and watched as everything went up in flames.
It didn't solve my issue. It didn't make what I did go away. But getting rid of those triggers has been tremendous to the both of us, I think.
Last night, he was going through an old sketchbook of mine. I can tell that I really love him; with anyone else, I'd be embarrassed and hide the book from them. I don't have to explain anything in there...we both understand each other.
Apparently though, I missed one thing. Not a drawing, but a time out receipt. BBF didn't know what it was, and I had to explain it was from when I worked "there".
I got upset. At myself for ruining another night, for not being more thorough in my disposal, for hurting him. I apologized again. At this point, I was crumpling up the slip in my hand, using it as some sort of stress reliever. He asked if he could see it. I gave it to him, and he threw it in the trash and said, "it doesn't matter anymore."
Just everyday he amazes me more. I don't know how or why, but even if he's triggering hard, he can still say "I love you." He lets me hold him. I went all out for him this Christmas, and he thinks I did because I feel bad. Well I do but gift giving is how I show my love. I don't care if he only got me one gift. His gift of forgiveness is all I'll ever need. It's a reflection on how xAPs "gifts" flop in comparison. He can buy me fancy books or Star Wars crap (I'm not even into Star Wars. Guess he was thinking of himself), but he can never NEVER compete with what BBF has given me.
How have you guys felt when getting rid of xAPs gifts?