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NoGoodUsername posted 12/18/2013 10:39 AM

Today is our ninth wedding anniversary. We aren't celebrating it. We talked about it previously, so this isn't a last minute thing but now that the day is here, I am really torn up.

This is the first anniversary since dday in July. We've been working very hard and covered a lot of ground since then. Nevertheless, the damage that I caused is still so huge that any celebration is out of the question. I feel terribly today.

I'm mourning the loss of faith and trust between us. The purity of belief we had will never come back; even if we can reconcile it will always be tainted.
I want my marriage back. I broke us for nothing and can never undo it. This is killing me.

1bigidiot79 posted 12/18/2013 11:06 AM

NoGoodUser, I could have written this post myself and practically did just this past Sunday as it was my 12th anniversary and also first since DDay in July.

I completely feel the same way you do when you say you are mourning the loss of faith and trust with your BS. I am having a really down day today and have been thinking all morning the same thing you said about even if we work it out, there will always be the that loss of innocence and complete trust.

I have noticed several of your posts before and all I can do is offer you a word of encouragement, even if it is from the same boat you are in.

sportsfan posted 12/18/2013 11:14 AM

Its been over 9 years for us since dday, bro, and although our anniversaries are celebrated again they remain somewhat tainted by W’s A. She doesn’t think of IT but I do … and it still stings a little.

There will be reason for you and your W to celebrate this day again, and you will, just be patient until then.

Hang in there today.

NoGoodUsername posted 12/18/2013 11:18 AM

Thanks for the human contact on this one.

It sucks that we are all in this place do to our bad choices but it does help to not be alone in these feelings.

Thank you again.

BillyP posted 12/19/2013 17:35 PM

I have been trying to avoid letting it in. Our 11 year aniversary is coming up on the 28th. The 1st since D-day July this year. D-day for both of us. Way worse for her as I have come clean about a sex addiction. Which stimulated her to tell me about a 1 time event with a family friend. I haven't grieved her transgression as I see it as my fault for having been screwed up enough to be using porn, online sex, and then actually transgressing 17 times.. Crazy part is I was reaching for her, or so I thought the whole time.. Just a screwed up situation. I never thought I would wind up like this.. Here I am...

When I think about it. Walls go up.. trying to be vulnerable but me crying over her one transgression while she is overwhelmmed and shocked by my second life seems hardly fair. But it still hurts.

Sorry to hear of your pain.. I feel it too. Deeply. Its made worse because as the "one with bad behavior" I sometimes don't feel a lot of room to be in pain.

bbf2013 posted 12/19/2013 17:45 PM

I can relate. In July when we had our first wedding anniversary since the details came out (I don't like calling it DDay for some reason) I tried to celebrate. I bought a thoughtful card, and I believe some sort of gift. She didn't even read the card or acknowledge the anniversary. Can I blame her? She gave me everything and I thanked her by letting an 18 year old seduce me. Hopefully we'll all feel like we're off the roller coaster someday and find ways to celebrate the positive things while acknowledging the negative. Good luck to all of you.

Skan posted 12/20/2013 16:47 PM

BW here. We don't celebrate our anniversary anymore either, and it was just past our 20th, when I had my DDay, with #22 coming up this spring. Just can't see the value in celebrating a date that has no value to me anymore.

What we did do, that first year after, was pick another date to celebrate. What we picked was the date that we first started MC because we counted that the date that we started to work on our new marriage. The choice of the date was actually my FWHs, and that choice really spoke to me about his state of mind. Why don't you keep your eyes open to a date that might carry a more positive "message" this next year?

Best of luck.