"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Nature_Girl posted 12/18/2013 10:48 AM

I've noticed that starting the day before my kids have to see ex for parenting time (no overnights) my kids are extra affectionate & clingy towards me. Pay me lots of extra compliments, have to creep out of bed to come snuggle with me & "talk", hug me tightly and not let go for any reason, draw me pictures for a present, and so forth. On the day of visitation my son also will become extremely angry in the morning while simultaneously being very affectionate towards me. Frequently when their dad has pulled up & is waiting out front they hug me tightly & don't want to go. They say outright they don't want to go, or will suddenly express concern if I'll be alright while they are gone.

After parenting time the kids might be even more clingy & affectionate OR they might be fairly distant or hostile towards me for a few hours.

Is this how your kids act?

sparkysable posted 12/18/2013 12:28 PM

My daughter comes home very cranky, yet clingy at the same time.

tryingagain74 posted 12/18/2013 13:00 PM

My kids never want to go. My eldest is usually pretty good about it, but lately, he gets quiet and sad when he realizes that he's going to his dad's house. My other two kids flat out protest. I feel like a broken record: "Your dad loves to see you... you'd miss him if you never saw him... I'm sure you'll do something fun... why don't you ask your dad to play [fun activity]... I'll see you really soon..."

If this is how three little kids under the age of ten behave about visitation now, having three pre-teens/teenagers is going to suck. My kids are always very clingy and sad. I thought it would get better over time, but if anything, it's gotten worse.

Hang in there. You're not alone in dealing with this.

anewday78 posted 12/18/2013 14:56 PM

If this is how three little kids under the age of ten behave about visitation now, having three pre-teens/teenagers is going to suck.

I don't think that's going to be true in your case - the current state of affairs likely sucks more than than how it will be once they actually have a choice in visitation. Right now they're sad because they don't want to go but have to. Once they're teenagers, they'll have the choice NOT to go and that's when they won't be so sad. They're clingy because they'd rather be with you than go with their father and his wifestress, with whom they encounter a moral dillemma, and have to compete with the skids (I love that term btw!).

Abbondad posted 12/18/2013 15:58 PM

Definite change in the behavior of DS (9) and DD (6) before and after. Friday is exchange day. I will have had them for eleven days. They have been great until Monday night when their mom called: since then they have been at each other's throats as well as alternately very clingy to me (son sneaking into my bed after I'm asleep, which he hasn't done since STBX and I separated), or angry with me.

Anticipatory Separation anxiety I assume.

Quoth the STBX a year ago when I told her her behavior will result in problems for the kids: "They will be jus fine."

They are not.

Bluebird26 posted 12/18/2013 16:39 PM

Once my kids know I have stuff planned they seem to cope better with leaving me. I think they are generally concerned that I will be all alone while they are gone.

Once it becomes more regular on a consistent basis I found it helps as well and they learn that mum is just fine while they are gone.

My youngest still suffers with major anxiety about going usually starts at least 24 - 48 hours prior and for at least 24 hours when he gets back. But he does have some special needs so that might unique for him with his conditions.

Gemini71 posted 12/18/2013 18:14 PM

When DSs come back from STBXH's they need

1. clean clothes (never changed while there)
2. bathes (see 1)
3. sleep (no bedtime enforcement)
4. pepto-bismo or a bucket (too much candy)
5. more space in the toy box (disney dad)

When DD has homework over the weekend, she doesn't go to STBXH's. We wrote into the parenting plan that DD gets to decide if she wants parenting time. Also, we unofficially have an agreement that DD does NOT have overnight's with STBXH.

Thefly559 posted 12/18/2013 18:21 PM

Holy cow abbondad. My stbxww said the same thing. It sucks for the kids they are so innocent in this and cannot yet communicate their feelings well . My kids 7 and 9 both are very wild and my son especially very angry when I get them. By the time I drop them off they are calm again and loving. But the cycle starts again when I pick them up from the ex. she has no care in the world. Oh and she has a masters in psychology. Go figure.

tesla posted 12/18/2013 20:07 PM

Teslet wants to see dad. He gets very excited/over-stimulated. He randomly tells me he loves me.

When he gets back, he's distant for a bit. But after a day or two, stuff comes tumbling out. He's clingy and randomly tells me that he loves me.

brightsidegirl posted 12/18/2013 21:51 PM

My DD8 gets very anxious before she goes to her dad's. She clings to me, doesn't want to go to bed because she'll miss me (while I'm in the other room) and is very sad while she is there. DS10 is better about letting things roll off his back, but he gets randomly affectionate a lot more lately. DD doesn't want to go, but she has to. Looks like in my settlement I will get full placement. The idiot is giving up everything just so he doesn't have to do any actual parenting. At least I will be in control of the visitation and if it isn't working for a kid, then they don't have to go. Good luck!

itainteasy posted 12/19/2013 11:39 AM

suddenly express concern if I'll be alright while they are gone.

NG, having read the various tales of your psycho ex, I have to wonder if they are concerned about your safety/well being because their father is telling them scary things? Like "oh Mommy may not be home when it's time for you to go home" or "Mommy may have an accident and then you'd live with me" that kind of thing?

Of course, they could just be worried because you're "Mommy" and what does mommy do if there are no kids to take care of?

Nature_Girl posted 12/19/2013 11:57 AM

NG, having read the various tales of your psycho ex, I have to wonder if they are concerned about your safety/well being because their father is telling them scary things? Like "oh Mommy may not be home when it's time for you to go home" or "Mommy may have an accident and then you'd live with me" that kind of thing?

I wonder the same thing sometimes. Lately the kids have been asking me fairly regularly what would happen to them if I wasn't around. Or went away. They won't use the word "died", but they say it in other ways.

betrayed13yrs posted 12/19/2013 13:16 PM

My DD is 5 and DS is 11 months. My Son is a total daddy's boy, which I HATE more than anything. When I'm with them he doesn't want me to hold him and lunges for daddy. The weird thing is that when he's with me he is not a hold me baby at all. He crawls around super content, laughing, chewing everything; I don't know if it's because when he's with daddy he gets daddy's undivided attention, as opposed to me living with my parents and him getting attention from everyone and grandma watching them while I work. I live at my parents to pay off my college loans, but if this is indeed the case, I'm tempted to get an apartment with my kids, and pay the bare minimum on my loans and screw the fact that they'll take 30 years to pay off. I don't really know what to do. UGH! In regards to my daughter, she wants to always be with me. She says, "How come I can't spend just one day with daddy and six with you?" I say it's because we both love her equally and as much as I want to be with her every single day of her life, that wouldn't be fair to daddy. Of course when she sees him she gets all excited and says she misses him, which I'm sure she does. There's a small part of me, okay a large part of me, that wants them to dislike him. The reason being is that he was a useless not involved father until I said I wanted a D, now all of the sudden he's fucking super dad! It pisses me off. I got up with them every single night, when they were newborns until I moved out. He NEVER helped, never once bathed our daughter in 5 years, didn't change them if I was home, etc... I just hope that someday, when they're old enough to understand and accept it, that they know that HE did this and broke our marriage, and that I TRIED!!! But my children are the most important things in the world, and I want their father involved for their sake, and for them to know a fathers love and to give him love in return. I am a teacher, and far too often hear my seventh graders talking about how they're angry at their mom/dad for not letting them go to or spend time with other parent.

Oh and as Gimini71 put it, he's also a disneydad, buying DD love! Douche bag

ruby44 posted 12/19/2013 18:11 PM

So my kids are scared too. In fact, they came home very worried because WH watched a movie in their presence about a husband that hires a hitman to kill his wife and then he kills the hitman. They expressed concern about what he was watching to him and he told them to find something to do. He had them for a total of 26 hours and spent 3 of them watching an inappropriate movie, that scared them and ignored them. They always give me extra hugs before they leave and are very excited to come home. I just document all they say and tell my dds IC.

sleepless34 posted 12/19/2013 19:36 PM

Mine are 8 and 10, both girls. The 8 year old hates going, the 10 year old is okay with it, but she has him wrapped around her finger, so what's not to like when you get whatever you want and your Dad finally pays all this attention to you!

They have both complained about going at times. Especially when they are there more than 2 days in a row, they get bored. He is playing Disney Dad, but it isn't his natural state so it has got to be tough for him to keep up. They miss me, their friends and their house and their stuff.

He lives in a small apartment, not much stuff or room to do things. Most kids parents aren't going to let their little girls go to some *now creepy* single Dad's apartment without knowing him well or knowing the story, given they never dealt with him before.

When my little one cried last weekend missing Mommy, he told her "why can't you just be happy being with me, it is important for us to spend time together." Because, you know, it is all about him of course. This am she cried because he was picking her up from school and she said "NOT AGAIN???"and then "Daddy is a piece of S" and I said, "what?? what did you just say?" and she said, "a piece of shit" omg that is BAD. I never curse in front of them, never allow them too...I have never heard her curse before and yet it just flew right off her tongue. She is pissed at him, so I said, "okay, I understand you are angry and that is okay to be angry, but he is still your Dad, let's not talk that way again. " Inside I was laughing though...her first swear word and used about her own Dad. No one is drinking his koolaid, certainly not her!!

gonnabe2016 posted 12/19/2013 20:04 PM

Kinda OT, but I wanted to add a comment about something you said, NG.

the kids have been asking me fairly regularly what would happen to them if I wasn't around

This could be due to the upheaval in their lives, too. Or the realization that if something happens to you.....then 'dad' is the back-up plan.
It seems that you have also had to do a lot of 'planning' for *just-in-case* situations because of he-who-is-so-awful-that-we-can't-even-come-up-with-a-*name*-for-him, haven't you?

"What will you do if <xyz> happens?" Their questions about what would happen to them may just be an extrapolation of that and not necessarily indicative of anything troublesome.

I really hate that you have to worry about them so much......

Nature_Girl posted 12/20/2013 00:24 AM

Good point, Gonnabe. One of the many things I need to accomplish in the coming year is a will & associated instructions should I become incapacitated or die. I've talked with one of my sisters about her willingness to be a guardian, but I'd like to firm that up.

I shudder to think of what would happen if ex ended up with the kids. I wonder how soon it would be before they had their own websites starring them in porn, or how long before they were shipped to Thailand with Cake Man to a brothel. That is if ex's OW the heroin dealer didn't hook them on drugs and pimp them out here in the states.