SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

starmoonchild posted 12/18/2013 11:20 AM

I decided to type out all of the important things that happened in the A, including things like dates, places, sexual encounters, when it started, how it started, plus several things I don't believe that he stated are true. These are things such as you did not give her an engagement ring, you did not propose to her in person, only several times by text, etc. I told him I was doing it, and that I wanted him to sign in and attest to it being true. I even included that he had to swear on his mother's grave that it was all true. He read it over, looked at me and asked "Are you sending this to her?"(OW) Then he signed it and asked "Are you divorcing me?" This after spending the last year trying to R. But the first thing he asks is am I sending it to her? What the hell? That's the only thing he's concerned about before he signs it? So of course I asked him why that would be his only question, to which he says "Well, the last thing I need is you sending this to her, and then she sends lies back to you!" It has been a year, of which he says there has been zero contact, why in the hell would she care about what this says now if has been over that long? Plus I have sent her countless FB messages asking for the truth of these things, and she has never replied. And I never had any intention of sending it to her, it was just to feel more trusting, if he signed it. Now I'm wondering if I should send it to her? Opinions please!

KatieG posted 12/18/2013 11:28 AM

Personally I think he has a point, in that if you send it to her you may get lies back. It seems a valid concern to me.

It also seems as though he didn't get angry or defensive, he signed it. Do his other actions back up his commitment to R? If so, I wouldn't send it her.

Kelany posted 12/18/2013 11:53 AM

1. Why are *you* doing his timeline and not him?

2. Why have you continued to contact her and send countless messages?? NC is for both of you!!

3. He may have asked that because...you continue to contact her and want something from her!!! His question is based on your actions!

What exactly is the point of this document?

bionicgal posted 12/18/2013 11:58 AM

Why on earth would you care what OW thinks about it?

lhhell posted 12/18/2013 12:10 PM

I read a woman's blog the other day:

http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.ca/

She spent a lot of time and energy chasing the OW, trying to get information out of her, as she puts it "hopping on the crazy train". If you read the blog from beginning to end, it's pretty revealing about how far down the rabbit hole one can go and how incredibly destructive it can be - destructive to the BS.

I know it's hard not to obsess over the OW and uncovering the truth. You may want to ask yourself how much emotional energy you want to spend on the OW and can that emotional energy be better spent on healing yourself.

Sending the letter to the OW may not answer your questions. Your WH may be right - she may tell you otherwise, it may be the truth, it may be lies. You won't know. He could be worried about being caught in something, he may be worried about you, whether this will help and wanting to help you (and him) heal.

The problem with infidelity is that it makes us question EVERYTHING. I'm no expert. But I've been told that at some point you have to let some things go - a first step may be stop contacting the OW. Let her go. She's not worth your time.

FeelingSoMuch posted 12/18/2013 12:19 PM

I feel as you do and I tell myself to give it up.

The very best thing we BS can do is not allow the OW/OM to continue having power over our lives. They need to be treated as people who don't matter at all.

Intellectually, we all know the OW/OM was chosen because they were there and they were broken enough to go along with the A.

The problem is with our spouses. That's where our focus needs to be. NC is so, so important for that reason.

Yes, OM/OW chose to hurt us in a most personal way. But they were invited to do so by our spouses.

OM in my case is a cowardly rat. My WW and I are getting help. He's not. He's just going to F his life some other way. I'm content with that.

Stay strong and please try to keep the focus on your partner.

starmoonchild posted 12/18/2013 12:26 PM

I don't care what the OW thinks, and have not contacted her in months now. This document was for my benefit only, but I also knew that if there were any untruths in it, and he's signing it and swearing on his Mother's grave, he might be very concerned about her seeing it. I made sure to include in the document that they had there first sexual contact in the fall of 2011, 4 months before she says they did, as she was with her husband until the following January. I also stated that she started the A, which he has maintained. But truthfully, I had no intention of showing her. I was worried that he'd ask if I was showing her, and I had a strong feeling he would. I was shocked when he asked me before he signed it.

Kelany posted 12/18/2013 12:34 PM

Again, what is the purpose of the document?

Why did you write it and not him?

What does swearing on his mother's grave do? He's a liar and a cheater, do you think that means he will be truthful because of that?

starmoonchild posted 12/18/2013 13:35 PM

The document was to make me believe him a little more, he has repeatedly said he hasn't seen her or talked to her or lied to me in a year. I wanted him to put it on paper, and if he's telling the truth, he wouldn't mind swearing on his mothers grave. I do realize he could still be telling me lies, but am hopeful at this point that he's not....or at least I was until he asked that, and so quickly. He could have waited until he signed it, but no, it was as soon as he finished reading it.

Dare2Trust posted 12/18/2013 16:06 PM

starmmoonchild,

If the first question out-of-my-husband's mouth was: "Are you going to show this to OW?"
---I'd assume/believe my husband was LYING THROUGH HIS TEETH about something in that letter you want him to sign.
---I'd also wonder: If all CONTACT between my husband and OW has really ended, or not?

As for your husband or any cheating spouse "swearing on their Mother's Grave"...Or the grave of their children or anyone else:
--Such a declaration of truth wouldn't mean one thing to me!

--Here on SI I've read where A Cheating Spouse has LIED, and sworn on the life of "Fathers, Mothers, Children" and the Cheating Spouse continued to LIE.

If you really want to know "what this means" 100%: I'd suggest you have your husband submit to a POLYGRAPH.
Ask him if he's willing to do this....then you might have your answer.
My feeling is: He will probably refuse your request to take a POLYGRAPH. Most of our lying spouses do refuse to take a polygraph.

That's my opinion, anyway.

I'd also suggest: That you END all contact with the OW. You will not find any valuable information from this woman.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 4:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

WaryOptimist posted 12/18/2013 22:19 PM

I'm with Dare2Trust on this.

His questions before signing are odd to say the least, and I wouldn't give credence to him swearing on anyone or anything.

Put your same statements into a poly and make him take it.