Why run toward a relationship that you know is probably unhealthy?
Why run away from a relationship that could be a good/stable one?
I am definitely in the latter section of BS. I look around me, and almost all of the people I know that are fBS are in relationships. Some healthy, some unhealthy, but only one other IRL girlfriend is alone.
We read on SI about people running toward relationships when soon out of a divorce and regretting that decision.
For me, I had no interest in dating for the first year. I'm now about to start year 4 and still kinda…ehh about the whole relationship thing. If it happens, cool. But..ehhh. I don't need external validation from someone, I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need someone else belittling me again.
I'm an introvert and independent, I require no external validation. Never have. A special kind of hell discovering my ex is gay and cheating, but still what the rest of us experienced…pain. Lots of pain. But ultimately no different than the rest of us on SI. Pain from infidelity is pain from infidelity, no matter what the package of shit looked like. I've let 99% of that go. I have no desire for my ex to meet karma, no desire for retribution or revenge. Just…ehh about him. I easily take the high road and can hang out with him now for kid related/holiday activities and feel…well…nothing.
My Mom is beginning to harp on me about "being alone when the kids are gone…" and I know that will be an "issue". But…ehh.
So, does anyone think this is an introvert/extrovert reaction? A FOO reaction? (I was raised by loving, supportive parents). People who need external validation vs. people who do not?
Why do some run toward relationships and others run away? Any ideas?
still kinda…ehh about the whole relationship thing. If it happens, cool. But..ehhh. I don't need external validation from someone, I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need someone else belittling me again.
This^^^ right here.
I'm really hard on myself and was belittled in my one and only relationship.
Maybe that makes me gunshy (having little experience with relationships.)
I don't really worry too much about being alone when the kids are gone. I'm not running toward a relationship or away from one. I'm not actively trying to find someone new.
I'm pretty much "meh" about X and don't really want to try again with someone else.
I am also an introvert. I have to forcefully try to be social in my work. I would rather sit at my computer and not interact with anyone all day.
Possibly it's the introvert in us that makes us ok to be alone since we are both introverts?
It's an interesting question.
I'm extroverted, with some introvert tendencies.
I don't really have FOO issues.
I'm much more internally motivated than externally motivated.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
So, I'm doing neither. I'm fantasizing about being with someone cool and to have fun with, but all the intimacy stuff I cringe at. Plus, all the household stuff/raising the boys, I can do that on my own becuase I'm kickass and can do everything by myself without a man. I don't trust anyone enough to have them so close to the two greatest things that ever happened to me as a human being -my boys.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:25 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
All kinds of people date, or don’t date, for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you want companionship, intimacy, children, security, a provider, someone to rescue, validate, take out the trash, split the rent or show off to your mom. There are good reasons and bad.
I think what it ultimately comes down to is wanting something, not anything or everything, that a relationship provides and meeting someone who fits that at the right time.
I happen to be of the opinion that relationships find you when you are on an uptick. You may or may not be looking, but something is going great in your life and it attracts people.
I consider myself pretty well healed from the mess that brought me here. However, I've had multiple major life stressors this year from my father's ill health, my mother's death, and DD's entry into residential treatment. There's still a fair amount of uncertainty with DD's status and dad's health, so I'm definitely feeling unsettled.
The idea of adding something - anything - new into the mix at this point is completely unappealing. I'm at my limit.
This is it. The darkest day. The blackest hour. Chin up, shoulders back. Let's see what we're made of, you and I.
― The Doctor
I wonder if the perfect relationship occurs when you balance running from and running toward?
Every part of my life rocks except dating, yet I also don't seem to care or want to do anything about it. When I was on OLD, I kept getting messages that I needed to "send more messages" ( I never did…). I was reading a dating book a few weeks ago, and it said that you have to actively work at dating, if you weren't…well…you weren't ready to date.
I still can't exactly imagine sharing my life with someone. I don't need anyone to help me do anything, I can do it all on my own. I daydreamed when I was younger about "what my H would be like", but every dream was taken away, and no new dreams have been inserted *that involve a relationship*.
I have my OWN dreams for school/career/house/kids but I draw a complete blank about any future relationships.
I don't feel like I'm running away, but I am certainly not going out of my way to find one either. Then I read about the people who start dating right away, and I wonder about that too. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to date early on.
I had a very active love life before marriage, and had the pleasure of being fully invested in that relationship for 20 years, however flawed it was on his end...
So I'm thinking maybe I've just hit my quota.
And I'm cool with that. introvert me.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:45 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
I don't think I'm running away from relationships that could be good/stable.
My picker is on the fritz, I still have mourning and healing to do and quite frankly I would be a shit girlfriend right now. Sure, I'm a good person, lots of fun and great to be around but the second anything challenging comes up I just want to get the hell out of dodge.
My worst fear isn't ending up alone, it is ending up with a wayward #2, having another DD, becoming a wayward myself.
So, it worked in one aspect. My ex really didn't pursue me too much, as he was too disgusted with me. Even to this day, running towards someone else has taken care of the fact that he still doesn't want to be around me and will hardly talk to me in person. This..... I don't miss AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't quite sure how much or long he'd stalk me. Yeah, he's a creeper through and through.
Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!
So for me, having a real relationship with a man is exceptionally important. Partly because I feel cheated from experiencing real love based on my M, and partly because I feel lonely based on my FOO. Add into that mix a career that means I''''ll move every 2 years and not be able to be surrounded by IRL deeply bonded friends (I have them, they just live all the heck over the place), and that my first NB dating foray was with a man who was a bonder and gave me a lot of emotional attention that I revelled in (we all know what happened to that) and so well, a relationship with a man is a priority for me.
All that means for me the dichotomy isn''''t run to unhealthy/shy from healthy but rather I have a hard time telling the difference because I have no point of reference. I have no walls that I''''m using to push people away, but if I want to draw them near, I don''''t necessarily know how to do that either.
[This message edited by cayc at 3:26 PM, December 18th, 2013 (Wednesday)]
I don't think I need external validation and I am not running towards or away from relationships.
I have a very close friend who ran from her marriage (her ex cheated on her) into a relationship and is now trying to run away from that relationship but keeps getting reeled back in. I have tried to help her numerous times, but she keeps going back. She has FOO issues as well maybe this is why, she is an extrovert, she does seek external validation. My guess is that she just isn't ready to let go yet and I think afraid of being alone.
I come from a loving family, am quite happy on my own, if someone fantastic comes along and wants to be in my life then great but if not that is ok too. I have been alone for this long now, I've got this single life covered
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
I think we all have different personalities and spirits. Not all can be explained by past experiences.
And sometimes life has a way of happening, despite our plans.
I'm an introvert. My FOO issues are enormous, but I've worked on them a lot. I like myself, and had for years before my marriage imploded. I don't need to be in a relationship, but I happen to like being in one. I know I'm a good partner.
It's amazing how different it is being in a healthy relationship with someone who is also a good partner. I like to think of it as my reward for going through the shitstorm that I did.