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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: curious…running toward or away from relationships?
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just wondering, and thought I would throw this question out there…we read so many posts about people who are either running toward relationships or some people running away from them.

Why run toward a relationship that you know is probably unhealthy?

Why run away from a relationship that could be a good/stable one?

I am definitely in the latter section of BS. I look around me, and almost all of the people I know that are fBS are in relationships. Some healthy, some unhealthy, but only one other IRL girlfriend is alone.

We read on SI about people running toward relationships when soon out of a divorce and regretting that decision.

For me, I had no interest in dating for the first year. I'm now about to start year 4 and still kinda…ehh about the whole relationship thing. If it happens, cool. But..ehhh. I don't need external validation from someone, I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need someone else belittling me again.

I'm an introvert and independent, I require no external validation. Never have. A special kind of hell discovering my ex is gay and cheating, but still what the rest of us experienced…pain. Lots of pain. But ultimately no different than the rest of us on SI. Pain from infidelity is pain from infidelity, no matter what the package of shit looked like. I've let 99% of that go. I have no desire for my ex to meet karma, no desire for retribution or revenge. Just…ehh about him. I easily take the high road and can hang out with him now for kid related/holiday activities and feel…well…nothing.

My Mom is beginning to harp on me about "being alone when the kids are gone…" and I know that will be an "issue". But…ehh.

So, does anyone think this is an introvert/extrovert reaction? A FOO reaction? (I was raised by loving, supportive parents). People who need external validation vs. people who do not?

Why do some run toward relationships and others run away? Any ideas?

Just wonderin'.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lola2kids
♀ 32789
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

still kinda…ehh about the whole relationship thing. If it happens, cool. But..ehhh. I don't need external validation from someone, I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need someone else belittling me again.

This^^^ right here.
I'm really hard on myself and was belittled in my one and only relationship.
Maybe that makes me gunshy (having little experience with relationships.)

I don't really worry too much about being alone when the kids are gone. I'm not running toward a relationship or away from one. I'm not actively trying to find someone new.

I'm pretty much "meh" about X and don't really want to try again with someone else.

I am also an introvert. I have to forcefully try to be social in my work. I would rather sit at my computer and not interact with anyone all day.

Possibly it's the introvert in us that makes us ok to be alone since we are both introverts?
It's an interesting question.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I'm doing one or the other. I'd like to be in a relationship, but only in a good one. I've done OLD (currently on a break) and have gone on first dates with about 30 guys. I've only wanted a second date with a very few of them (like 3 or 4.) If I wanted to be in any relationship, I could be in one. But, I don't think I'd run away from a good guy that would be a good fit. (Of course, I could be fooling myself.)

I'm extroverted, with some introvert tendencies.

I don't really have FOO issues.

I'm much more internally motivated than externally motivated.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3458 | Registered: Dec 2011
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a former introvert turned extrovert. Still kind of introverted, though. I really want a new fun and exciting relationship, but I KNOW it's not the right time for me. I have to mourn the loss of my M and 13 years spent with STBXH. I have two little boys and I DO NOT want to make a mistake on another bad man.

So, I'm doing neither. I'm fantasizing about being with someone cool and to have fun with, but all the intimacy stuff I cringe at. Plus, all the household stuff/raising the boys, I can do that on my own becuase I'm kickass and can do everything by myself without a man. I don't trust anyone enough to have them so close to the two greatest things that ever happened to me as a human being -my boys.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:25 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m introverted, was quickly in a new relationship. I don’t think it was about seeking external validation.

All kinds of people date, or don’t date, for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you want companionship, intimacy, children, security, a provider, someone to rescue, validate, take out the trash, split the rent or show off to your mom. There are good reasons and bad.

I think what it ultimately comes down to is wanting something, not anything or everything, that a relationship provides and meeting someone who fits that at the right time.

I happen to be of the opinion that relationships find you when you are on an uptick. You may or may not be looking, but something is going great in your life and it attracts people.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Major "meh" mode here. I'm an introvert as well, but I think that my state of meh comes less from that character trait and more from the state of the rest of my life.

I consider myself pretty well healed from the mess that brought me here. However, I've had multiple major life stressors this year from my father's ill health, my mother's death, and DD's entry into residential treatment. There's still a fair amount of uncertainty with DD's status and dad's health, so I'm definitely feeling unsettled.

The idea of adding something - anything - new into the mix at this point is completely unappealing. I'm at my limit.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26145 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAp9sFVdERQ


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Gomphus
♂ 29779
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What crescita said. I love being by myself. In fact, it makes being in a relationships complicated. But I also love the kind of intimacy you just can't get from buddies or acquaintances Running toward? Maybe some in the beginning but I don't regret that. You are right, many posts on SI are about that and rightfully so given our nature, as humans, to couple. Running from? Only when I was single. In small towns people know when you're 'taken'. And a surprising number of them respect that you are 'taken', lol.

I wonder if the perfect relationship occurs when you balance running from and running toward?



me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do love me some Monty Python

Every part of my life rocks except dating, yet I also don't seem to care or want to do anything about it. When I was on OLD, I kept getting messages that I needed to "send more messages" ( I never did…). I was reading a dating book a few weeks ago, and it said that you have to actively work at dating, if you weren't…well…you weren't ready to date.

I still can't exactly imagine sharing my life with someone. I don't need anyone to help me do anything, I can do it all on my own. I daydreamed when I was younger about "what my H would be like", but every dream was taken away, and no new dreams have been inserted *that involve a relationship*.

I have my OWN dreams for school/career/house/kids but I draw a complete blank about any future relationships.

I don't feel like I'm running away, but I am certainly not going out of my way to find one either. Then I read about the people who start dating right away, and I wonder about that too. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to date early on.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole concept of dating just seems like another job to me, and I'm happy alone with a handful of fantastic friends and co-workers.

I had a very active love life before marriage, and had the pleasure of being fully invested in that relationship for 20 years, however flawed it was on his end...

So I'm thinking maybe I've just hit my quota.

And I'm cool with that. introvert me.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:45 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm an extrovert who isn'r running toward relationships. I did/do have a few FWB arrangements going but I have no intention of entering into a serious relationship.

I don't think I'm running away from relationships that could be good/stable.

My picker is on the fritz, I still have mourning and healing to do and quite frankly I would be a shit girlfriend right now. Sure, I'm a good person, lots of fun and great to be around but the second anything challenging comes up I just want to get the hell out of dodge.

My worst fear isn't ending up alone, it is ending up with a wayward #2, having another DD, becoming a wayward myself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5653 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
2kidsandadog
♀ 33679
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, I usually get my ass handed to me on a plate for this but........I ran away from my husband because I feared I wouldn't get rid of him EVER. I ran towards a relationship because I was so desperate and starving for positive attention and some validation that I was going to survive.

So, it worked in one aspect. My ex really didn't pursue me too much, as he was too disgusted with me. Even to this day, running towards someone else has taken care of the fact that he still doesn't want to be around me and will hardly talk to me in person. This..... I don't miss AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't quite sure how much or long he'd stalk me. Yeah, he's a creeper through and through.



Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grew up in a family that made it clear I was unwanted and in the way. And then I stayed married for 10 years to a man who was never faithful to me and who I had to chase and chase and chase to pay any attention to me, sigh.

So for me, having a real relationship with a man is exceptionally important. Partly because I feel cheated from experiencing real love based on my M, and partly because I feel lonely based on my FOO. Add into that mix a career that means I''''ll move every 2 years and not be able to be surrounded by IRL deeply bonded friends (I have them, they just live all the heck over the place), and that my first NB dating foray was with a man who was a bonder and gave me a lot of emotional attention that I revelled in (we all know what happened to that) and so well, a relationship with a man is a priority for me.

All that means for me the dichotomy isn''''t run to unhealthy/shy from healthy but rather I have a hard time telling the difference because I have no point of reference. I have no walls that I''''m using to push people away, but if I want to draw them near, I don''''t necessarily know how to do that either.

[This message edited by cayc at 3:26 PM, December 18th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am an introvert, probably an extreme one . Sure at times I am lonely and miss having some companionship but I still don't crave that. I am 2.5 years out from when we separated (last D-day came later).

I don't think I need external validation and I am not running towards or away from relationships.

I have a very close friend who ran from her marriage (her ex cheated on her) into a relationship and is now trying to run away from that relationship but keeps getting reeled back in. I have tried to help her numerous times, but she keeps going back. She has FOO issues as well maybe this is why, she is an extrovert, she does seek external validation. My guess is that she just isn't ready to let go yet and I think afraid of being alone.

I come from a loving family, am quite happy on my own, if someone fantastic comes along and wants to be in my life then great but if not that is ok too. I have been alone for this long now, I've got this single life covered


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I can only go so long without sex and I want to love the person I have sex with so to be honest that's a big reason why I'm in a relationship. However my time is limited with SO and we live different interesting and independent lives that don't allow for emeshment. I'm in a relationship but there is plenty of alone time even to the point of loneliness since I'm on my own in the wilds of rural CA. I'm an introvert or I'd not survive out here.

I think we all have different personalities and spirits. Not all can be explained by past experiences.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't run towards a relationship, but I ended up in one before my divorce was final anyway.
The timing wasn't great, but that's when I met SO. I had barely begun to notice guys again, and had no interest in dating. According to my plan at the time, I wasn't going to start dating until 4-5 years after my divorce was final. SO was simply a person I wanted to get to know better, because I thought he was intelligent, witty, and funny.

And sometimes life has a way of happening, despite our plans.

I'm an introvert. My FOO issues are enormous, but I've worked on them a lot. I like myself, and had for years before my marriage imploded. I don't need to be in a relationship, but I happen to like being in one. I know I'm a good partner.

It's amazing how different it is being in a healthy relationship with someone who is also a good partner. I like to think of it as my reward for going through the shitstorm that I did.



Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Topic Posts: 16

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