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Don't Panic

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Weatherly posted 12/18/2013 13:00 PM

I've been reading a lot of posts lately where the poster is quite upset because their WS has filed paperwork to get sole custody, get all the money, get the house, get ridiculous amounts of child support, etc.

I know it sucks to read, and it is a shock, but try not to worry about it.

I was reading over old paperwork. After I filed, my ex argued with everything. He wanted sole custody and me to have supervised visitation. He wanted me to live in the same town he did, or pay for gas for him to get the kids from me, he wanted me to take all the debt. He wanted to be able to call them every day, from 8-8:15pm (which he had NEVER said to me before.) He wanted every weekend if he didn't get custody and a couple days a week.

He argued that I was an unfit mother because I was home schooling them, below grade level. Because we didn't eat much meat. Because we didn't celebrate Christmas. Because I was raising them in a "house of foreign religious doctrine" because my boyfriend was a Seventh Day Adventist. (For those unfamiliar with me, X left in 2008, and moved in with his mistress. He refused to file, because I was the one who wanted a divorce. He wasn't paying CS, I was going to school full time, and was NOT divorcing him without a lawyer. I filed in 2011, we'd been apart the whole time.) Oh, and once our son smashed his hand, and it bruised and swelled badly. I didn't think it was broken. I called Ex and said "come look at this, tell me what you think." So, he did. Said it was fine, left. In the paperwork, he said I refused to get our son medical care for this, and refused to allow him to take him to the hospital.

Anyway, fast forward. Never went to trial. Never went to mediation. My lawyer wrote up papers, sent them to him. His lawyer replied back with it looked ok, but X wanted CS reduced by $30/week AND to claim one kid on his taxes. I agreed and signed the paperwork the moment it was ready. 2 weeks later I was divorced.

What did X get?

*Almost all the debt from the marriage, that he had already defaulted on.
*No custody, I got sole legal and physical. He has visitation.
*A reduced CS amount (that I agreed to, because he doesn't pay anyway).
*The supposed ability to claim one child on his taxes. But, only if he is caught up within 30 days of his payments by Dec. 31.
*His motorcycle.
*His mistress, who left him when he still didn't propose and couldn't blame it on me.

All he cared about was the money. He wanted to scare me, and it almost worked. Once you can figure out what they REALLY want, then you will be in a better position.

Obviously, some people are bound and determined to see these threats through, but...often they aren't. My ex went from wanting sole legal and physical custody, and supervised visitation for me to taking them 2 days a month and never calling them. In exchange for $30/week.

Stay calm, figure out what their bottom line is, and use it to your advantage.

Lola7 posted 12/18/2013 17:21 PM

Thank you for this. :) It is very sound advice.

tesla posted 12/18/2013 19:30 PM

Excellent advice!

Don't worry about the farts they blow in your general direction.

Get a starting point of what *you* want. Then think of a fallback position about what you are willing to accept.

Weatherly is right, most of the time, this plays out in our favor.

movingforward13 posted 12/18/2013 19:39 PM

Absolutely correct. My XH used to threaten me all.the.time about fighting for custody of our son. But yet, who would watch our son when he works at 3 AM in a new state with no family help? It was all about the money for him... He pays a little over $1000 a month in child support and hated it. That left less money to spend on Med Girl. Med Girl likes being wined and dined...

In the end, I got full physical custody of our son, I claim him every year and I have the authority to move away per our divorce decree. I bet he was telling all his friends too that he was going to get custody. Dumb ass. I ended out on top and I am so glad I didn't react emotionally to his threats....
I am literally waiting to get the "I miss you" & "we should have worked things out" texts once his $150K student loans come due in a few months. I don't think Med Girl is going to appreciate money not being spent on her.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 7:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

lisaloo posted 12/18/2013 23:05 PM

This was nice to read...I'm one of those persons trying not to panic. It's SO HARD not to do though when someone tries to threaten to take the only thing you care about (my DD)...especially after that same person has just taken everything I thought I had (safety, security, etc). It's a shit situation no matter how you spin it.

Regardless...thanks for posting!! I will TRY not to panic. After all, that's what I am paying a lawyer $200 an hour for right?!

little turtle posted 12/19/2013 08:39 AM

I agree. Great post!

Stay calm, figure out what their bottom line is, and use it to your advantage.

Rainbows posted 12/19/2013 09:05 AM

This is a great post!

My Ex dragged me back to court this week for another ex party (auto correct, keeping it) hearing. He's an L and I used to be so terrified of him and all of his threats and shenanigans.

With each hearing he keeps getting slapped down by the judge who sees right through him. I was so worried about his smear campaign, but it seems the more he talks, the more he digs.

I finally know what I want, so it's easy to stay calm while he's having his sideshow. It makes a world of difference keeping focused on my goals and the bigger picture.

Snapdragon posted 12/19/2013 18:46 PM

Bumping before this fabulous PSA drops to page 2.

I see a lot of panic, as well.

movingforward13 posted 12/19/2013 19:25 PM

Just another tactic to keep in "control" of the BS. Remember, fear tends to control our decisions. If you are afraid, you feel as if you have few choices because you aren't in control. Do not give the wayward control because of fear.

windows posted 12/19/2013 20:07 PM

Yes, don't panic. I was taken back 2xs for this very reason. The first time wasn't good enough. He lost both times. He ended up with visitation both times. And who ended up with them 100% of the time, me!!! I wish I could go back and not panic, I would have ignored all of it and saved a ton of money.Until your actually sitting in a court room in front of a judge, it is all just noise. Block it out....

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