So if you can find someone who will do both IC and MC I would give it a try. I will say both myself and I like our individual IC's - they just are both out right now.
PS. As a BS our sarcastic wit can change. I did however refrain from asking IC is she knew who the father was
My W's IC saw us on D-Day. The C confronted the hell out of my W and gave me a lot of support, so we continued in MC with her, and my W continued IC. (W had lied to her about her A; otherwise, I would have insisted on a new IC and different MC.)
I wanted some IC and asked her, and we considered it, but in the end we both concluded that there was a potential conflict of interest between my W and I. (Boy, did that hurt!) Our C refused to take me on as a client; if she hadn't refused, I think I would have - she knew my W better than me, and I feared she'd pick her in any conflict.
In the early days, even if you both say you want R, one of you may not actually be willing to do the work. If that happens, then your interests collide, and it puts a common C in a very difficult position. You need a very competent C or different Cs if that happens.
A few months ago, I realized I was stuck on some of my own issues and wanted more IC. At that point, a conflict of interest between me and my W was (and remains) extremely unlikely, and I started IC with our MC.
Protect yourself. You need your IC to be only in your corner. If you really, really trust the C, or if Cs in your neck of the woods are few and far between, it's worth a try, but be careful. Protect yourself.
And remember - if you something is fishy with the counseling, it probably is. You direct your healing; no one else can. The C is a consultant - you're the decision-maker.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
We have the same MC and IC. He is really good. I find it helpful because he knows the entire situation and the both of us really well.
We aren't in IC/MC anymore but we when we were we found that it worked really well. It depends on the counselor and what you're comfortable with.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
However, he made it very clear that what was said in IC was kept in IC, with the exception of bodily harm. I needed to feel that security that what I talked to him about one on one wasn't going to be brought into the couples arena until he (counselor) and I agreed on how to handle it. But that's my preference. I don't know if I would feel it's a safe environment for IC if I knew that it was all going to be spilled in MC. Therefore I would and might keep things to myself and not work them out.
It is nice because if I have something I want to discuss with WH, I will run it by counselor and he can help me decide how to discuss, because I tend to get very emotional and angry. We also talk about things that come up in IC in MC. Right now he's pivotal in our recovery (and we are doing amazingly well right now). Whenever it gets heated, emotional, too much to handle we just say "We need to bring this up with Steve on Friday" And then we stop. Have time to cool down, then discuss at MC. It's working wonders.