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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Rather confused....
Lex71
♂ 41172
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand what is going on and I'm confused.

I've been away two nights on business and been doing fairly well at 180. This evening she's been all nice, a bit chatty, talking about future stuff (I haven't engaged in conversation). From what I can see of logs on computer, she hasn't been using the dubious websites, nor porn, nor talking to any EA/PA partners.

If I hadn't found out and l looked now it would be as if nothing. There was one check on a benefits website and a line to someone about needing to be different because of the bills, I couldn't quite work out what she said though.

So what the hell?? Is this 180 working? (She's not admitted or anything like that). Is this 'rugsweeping'? I feel so bad already and I feel bad that I am working on exit strategy but maybe she is thinking about consequences now..? I'm confused because she wants hugs, to chat an talk about normal stuff and online things appear to have stopped....?

[This message edited by Lex71 at 2:51 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too soon to tell. You can bet that if you haven't gotten the whole story by now, you probably have reason for concern. Don't fall into that hole and certainly don't jump in it. Stay Strong!


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Lex71
♂ 41172
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I defo don't have the whole story. She's acting like nothing is wrong or happening!


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then keep up the 180. Again, this would be JUMPING in the hole. Don't worry about it working on her. The 180 is for you. Start to realize that your relationship will never be the same and start to move on, my friend.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 3:21 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read your story. What's keeping you from calling her out on the rest?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Lex71
♂ 41172
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know..... I don't know. I don't understand why I haven't gotten angry and pissed off at her. I don't know. Can't work it out with IC either. It's like there is something in my head that I'm not allowed to know...I worry that something will make me snap and it'll be the worst row in history


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of notes on 180 theory...

It's a program to help you find your strengths when your WS is unremorseful. The goal is to prepare you to detach and leave. Sometimes the WS will find remorse when faced with the 180. That may open up R as an option for you, but that's not a goal of the 180 in any way.

Also, in a full 180, you engage your WS only on finances and children. You take care of yourself (and kids), and let your WS take care of herself (and kids) - no hugs, no sex, no heart-to-heart talks, no question and answers. The 180 sets you up to leave, so none of that is relevant - just finances and kids.

Right now, it sounds like the 180 isn't working fully. If it were, you wouldn't be checking up on her or posting for help interpreting what she means by her actions. You still wouldn't understand her actions, but you wouldn't care what they meant.

JMO, of course.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:21 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lex71
♂ 41172
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sisoon. It's been a tough night. The computer software threw a glitch and she found out that I installed software to log computer usage.

She was very angry. Told me she had been working out how to try and fix things. Seems she has stopped talking to the EA/PA's. She said she was trying to find a way to move on without saying anything.

Had a long while of listening to her hurt, anger and anxiousness. She said some tough stuff, some real, some the stress talking. I didn't do so well on 180. I have told her , and she knows, I know a lot about what she has done. Conversation has been very much about any troubles in the relationship. How she doesn't want to split up, doesn't want to be a single mum but little acceptance that affairs was a not a good way to express her feelings about our relationship. I've said how hurt and angry that made me feel and that I am still upset and angry.

It's been about 3 - 4 hours of comments being thrown at me. A lot of crying on her part. A lot of saying what was wrong in the relationship. She did at one point say she wasn't her usual self and was also upset at the A but that's as far as she went on that front. I found also that the PA is just horrible or something like that - don't know if she would have said different stuff if he was still around and she was still talking of leaving to live with him.


I'm shattered and drained but still have to get up for children and work in about 4 hours! It's all pretty much out now so will see what happens. Holiday is going to be crappy at best. She asked if I wanted to sleep in same bed....which im not comfortable with and so I said under circumstances I'd continue to sleep in spare room. I hope I can get some sleep.


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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