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WH has been gone since Thursday. He started spilling the truth two days ago without me asking. It was pretty much an entire day of him admitting lies. We had another day like that today. I don't think I have it all yet but I needed to stop. It's all so much worse. SO. MUCH. WORSE.

I can't even feel anything. I can't process what he has told me. I can't believe I have to rewrite my history AGAIN! I've had so many days like today - it's just beyond cruel. The last maybe 7 times he's done this - I haven't felt it. I packaged it up into boxes in my head to deal with later. I figured if we get divorced it can be lumped into one big box of he betrayed me - I can just process that and not all the details. So - I can't really feel today. My chest is heavy as heck though. I have been shaking off and on. 15 months into this nightmare. This shouldn't have ever happened in the first place - not giving me my correct history shouldn't have taken this long. It shouldn't have taken me kicking him out to get it.

I have to bake Christmas cookies with my daughter and make her final birthday treat to share at elementary school tomorrow. How do I do that exactly?

(((((sodamnlost))))... Not sure what i can say that will help, except - You've been heard, and you're not alone. Breathe, take one step at a time, and remember you have all of us at SI to help get you through it.

How do you do that? You just do. Deep breath...concentrate on just getting through what needs to be done. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Cliches I know, but they do help.

(((sodamnlost)))

I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve this ongoing torment.

Sending you strength.

I'm so sorry. It took over two years for my H to tell the truth. Each time the knife went in a little deeper, but I became numb. The numbness allowed me to move forward, one day at a time. That's just what you need to do right now. Get through the day, then tomorrow, then the day after, etc. It is so incredibly damaging and cruel to keep the full truth from someone you supposedly love. It's too bad they just can't see it for what it is. Take your time processing and taking care of yourself. It is YOUR time to be selfish. (((sdl)))

I can't fathom for the life of me how he could keep these things from me this long. He KNOWS what happens to a BS when a WS lies. He would get MAD at me when I brought them up. He went on and on for MONTHS saying he couldn't "find" the lies. The ones he has told me this week - OMG no way did he not know these. He lied to me, his counselor, my kids, our PASTOR. I don't know this man. I can't believe I have shared so much of my life with someone willingly doing this to me. And there's MORE. Ugh - this is bad. So bad.

I thought my story was bad enough when I realized WH started his affair 6 months after I had brain surgery and 3 months after I had major back surgery and almost died. The truth - not long at all after I got the diagnosis with my brain condition, which was just before my oldest son (17 at the time) moved out unexpectly and in a bad way after a fight with WH - my husband was trying to cheat on me. Actively looking for an affair. While I prepared for the scariest time in my life. While I almost died. While I recovered from TWO *MAJOR* surgeries in a 3 month time span. While I suffered trying to reclaim my life. How do you even process this level of betrayal?

(((sodamnlost))) - no words now, just sending strength and hope out to you.

You've got tremendous strength. You'll figure out how you want to get through this. Have faith in yourself.