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How I found out

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ziganska posted 12/18/2013 15:57 PM

I just wanted to share how I found to get it off my chest.

It was around 1:00 am on December 2. I couldn't sleep but my H was out like a light. I realized that often my H grabs the mail and shoves it into his gym bag, to read later on. It hit me that there was one bill that was probably close to the due date that I don't recall seeing so I got up and went into his gym bag to look for it. I confess that I do go through his bag, wallet and drawers sometime, so this didn't seem weird.

I pulled out the bill I was looking for and saw other mail. I glanced at what he had--flyers, coupons, statements, nothing offensive. Then I saw his AMEX bill (we each have our own AMEX card, basically to be used for non-household and joint purchases, like if I want to get a manicure). On the bill was a charge from Hushmail for $34.99. I can't articulate what I was feeling at that moment but it was crushing. I still remember standing there in the living room, in the dark, barely making out the bill, but I knew that there was something wrong about that charge. I didn't even know what Hushmail was...never heard of it...but something about it rubbed me the wrong way.

I stood there debating what to I wake him up? Do I ask him tomorrow? Do I let it go? What if it isn't what I think it is? What if it has to do with work? What if it's some kind of secret present for me that he's working on? I'd be so ashamed of waking him up to confront him on something innocent. But a sixth sense in me said to take that risk.

I jostled him out of bed around 1:30 am. I was shaking (no joke) and could barely speak. He was so scared when he saw my reaction that he jumped out of bed and we walked into the living room. I said I have a question. I could barely spit out the words and yet I tried telling myself it's probably nothing and the next few hours will be me apologizing for going through his bag.

I finally spit out the words and said "What's with your Hushmail account?" He immediately said he didn't have one and I said it's on your AMEX bill. He said again he didn't have one and didn't know what that was. I said--oh so you see a $34.99 charge on your bill and don't question it? Were you going to pay it? Why would you pay for something you didn't buy? Etc. (Clearly I was getting really practical about it and was hoping that maybe he really DIDN'T purchase this account).

He paused (I'll never forget this moment), put his head into his hands and said those 4 words I'll never forget: I had an affair.

I won't relate what happened next because that is by far the most painful, hurtful moment of my life. I don't want to think about how you can physically feel your heart break and see the walls of your apartment melt around you because you realize the life you knew is over.

I later asked him why he told me....why he didn't just keep denying it (in a way I think I wish he lied). He said he realized that he had to stop...he had to stop lying to me. He knew what would come of that admission would not be good, but he had to do it for himself and for me so he confessed.

It's not even 3 weeks and we're making some progress but it's still haunting. How I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't get up in the middle of the night to look for mail or if I didn't say anything and just assume it was something innocent (for the record, Hushmail is private email account and the charge is to upgrade it to have more memory, etc; he used that account only with her and believe you me, I had him delete the account as soon as I got to read his emails first).

I wonder how many of you found out by accident, by being suspicious and confronting him/her, by being suspicious and finding evidence or by him/her confessing to you.

Whatever it was, I am so sorry to you all! We all share a hellish moment in our lives where our lives changed forever.

outtanowhere posted 12/18/2013 16:11 PM

Wow. I wish my WH had been that forthcoming. It's been 10 months and I can say that I'm a member of the "still don't think I know everything" club.

For as long as I have been a member on this site the recurring theme seems to be that you always trust your gut.

Losttransport posted 12/18/2013 16:11 PM

My WH was asleep, and one of my kids was playing on my phone, and so I picked up his phone to play a game too. I was sitting by him in bed and he got notice of a new email, so I just opened it up because we share a yahoo account.

I didn't realize it was his new private account he set up to contact OW. I just went to the bathroom and sat on the floor and felt like I died while I read their conversations to each other. Yeah, this sucks.

ziganska posted 12/18/2013 16:12 PM

Yes, it's amazing what my gut was telling me in those seconds I saw the AMEX bill. My brain and heart said don't just to conclusions but my gut said do it.

ziganska posted 12/18/2013 16:15 PM


I'm so sorry. There is no "better" way to learn this kind of information and a part of us DID die when we found out.

RealityStinks posted 12/18/2013 16:34 PM

I had "that feeling" back in April/May, but never investigated. Wish I had.

I late June, we got new smart phones. The bill was supposed to go up once for an upgrade charge. Well, in August, when the bill was higher twice, I looked at the bill for the first time in years. And, there is was XXX-XXX-XXXX over and over and over. I googled the number, and that's when I found out who it was.

I got the "we're just friends" and I won't talk to him unless absolutely necessary (they were working on a charity project together). Well, in November, the same smart phone gave her up again. It had been recording her location since June to her Google account. She had been to his house, rental house, and house boat 1-2 a week since the beginning of July. That was this moment:

peoplepleaser posted 12/18/2013 16:40 PM

Oh these posts make me so sad for all of us. It's so heartbreaking that moment it finally sinks in. I began asking WS if there was someone else within a week of her beginning the "friendship" that became an EA. I think I brought it up in some way every week throughout until the "gut" became unbearable and my friend suggested I check her phone. Of course her phone is never away from her side, so I checked the phone records. Sure enough, tons of calls to a number I didn't recognize. I paid a reverse phone look up site and recognized the name as a friend of her friend I'd met only twice.

Same story as everyone else's...she's just a friend...nothing happened...(worse) she's straight... Nothing about how the OP tried to get her in bed until three days later when I said I'd leave if more came out later. I think I pretty much believe it was an EA without PA, and I pretty much believe she wasn't sexually attracted to her, but it's still painful. Very painful. I question our ability to get through this.

LA44 posted 12/18/2013 16:47 PM

Hey zig, I too have a gym bag story. In fact, I just posted it for the first time one year later in the R thread on Dec. 7th (I believe) if you want to read it.

Basically, he was out - it was his bday. I was going to bed. Walked in our room and it was like the bag came into a close up. Like a movie. I put the bag on the bed, pushed the clothing aside and there on the bottom was a bday card for him. I initially thought it was a Xmas card for me. She hoped their "story would never end".

I called his cell and read the card into his v-mail. He was home one hour later.

And like you, I thought I felt my heart fall out of my body and shatter into a million pieces. There is no other moment that can compare to that one in terms of the pain I felt.

How I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't get up in the middle of the night to look for mail

I too have sat in this question. Why did I go to that bag? I cannot explain it but I did. Thank goodness I know. And thank goodness you do too.

Hugs to you. It is one year later and it does get better in time.

Girlietoo posted 12/18/2013 16:59 PM

I was sitting in the hospital waiting room while he was having heart test done ( he had been having chest pains). I started playing with his phone since mine was about dead. I saw the texts, from the day before. I was reading from the bottom and was so confused until I saw a picture of her that he sent saying he looks at it all the time and it makes him happy.

I jumped up and ran out of the waiting room to the car. I drove a few blocks and called the #. She blurted out that she had never had sex with him. She wouldn't tell me what she had done and she said she never wanted to be mistress.

I went back to the hospital and went to his bed and told him I had just gotten off the phone with PL (His little nickname for her). I don't remember much more other than the words petting and suggestive pictures. I took his phone and car, left him at the hospital and went to a friends.

I really don't think someone who hasn't experienced this can fully understand what happens to the world around you when you discover something like this. I truly felt everything was moving in slow motion-spinning and spinning.

Worst day of my life.

((Hugs)) dear sister

MailServer posted 12/18/2013 17:29 PM

I blame it on technology and the clueless WH user.

Was using his iPad in bed one night last summer. He was texting his AP with his iPhone downstairs. The texts started appearing in the iPad. At first I ignored them because we both text our friends all the time. But they started to annoy me and they appeared a little "suspicious". So...I started texting that it was all showing up on the iPad to me upstairs and please explain to me what you mean about "this" and "that". The next thing I heard from downstairs was WH saying "Oh shit...OH SHIT...OH SHIT!!!!". He came flying up the stairs and grabbed the iPad from me and logged it out of the text messaging mumbling something about his work.

It was then I knew he was up to no good.

After he was asleep I took his phone and his laptop and read everything. His laptop kept his facebook logged in and his secret yahoo email logged in. Texts, emails, chats, facebook chats with an old high school friend he was "seeing" behind my back for 2 years. I read the most horrible messages about me - from the both of them. He put filters on his facebook to hide her from me and me from her. He hid our facebook relationship status from her and their mutual high school friends. I found outings with her when he was supposedly working - even over weekends. Nice travel events with their old high school friends where it *should of been me (??)* I travel for business and found he was seeing her while I was away. I saw her pictures in her facebook of him at many events with her posing as a couple. All the comments from her friends at how cute and perfect they were together. And then I found their "hot chats". Talk about being smacked up the side of my head. She knew about me and was riding his backside over when he was going to "toss me out of the house so our BED could be hers".

I was up until 5am copying, printing all the evidence. Then I kicked him out of bed. I got deny, deny, deny. With each deny I pulled out more and more evidence until he just couldn't deny it any more. He sat there with a sad face saying nothing. That's when I hit him.

That was over a year ago. And it got worse for about a year after DDay. But thats a story for another day. Reconciling, but... it hasn't been easy. My story.

womaninflux posted 12/18/2013 17:34 PM

Girlie, my DD was March 6; I confronted March 10 so you and I have about the same DD. Of course my husband did not confess fully until March 24.

I had been suspicious for quite some time - just had a gut feeling. About 2 years (it may have been the first year though…I am unclear about when I confronted because it's all a haze) into the A (I now know but did not know that at the time) I had a gut feeling about something. He just seemed different. He was staying out very late, had all of these trips he was taking (not for business) and he just seemed like he was on another planet. I asked him if he was seeing someone or had a girlfriend. He denied. I guess I suppressed it - what choice did I have? I had not found anything incriminating. Then one day a letter arrived home for him from his health club. He opened it and took it upstairs on a stack of papers. It dropped in the dark dining room and I picked it up and since it had already been opened, I read it. "Your guest, *AP*, has exceeded the maximum amount of guest passes allowed. Please see the membership desk." I folded it up and put it on the bed on top of his stack of other papers. I said nothing but I immediately knew who AP was because she worked for a company he in which he is involved and she also did something for another company in which he is involved. I have never met her personally and obviously he never spoke of her to me…but I saw pictures of her instantly when I googled her name. When I confronted a few days later (after preparing myself for battle by photocopying every type of financial statement or business record or property record I could get my hands on), he of course denied and said she was "just a friend." He suggested we seek counseling. He continued to deny as we started counseling. Two weeks after the initial discovery, I noticed there was the smell of women's perfume on his car's passenger side seatbelt. That made me look further into things…I found viagra and a spare men's wedding ring and receipts for jewelry. I confronted him in the middle of the night (great time to catch them off guard, right?!) and he finally admitted it. Of course he minimized everything and did not admit the extent to which he was involved and all of the trips they took.

Its taken 9 months, one psychiatrist, one marriage counselor and one SA therapist (his) to get him to make a timeline of the affair and present it to me. I still question whether or not he really "gets" what he has done. We were at a party a few days ago and there was a woman tending bar who has also worked at one of our parties. He pulls me aside and tells me "ABC (one of his married male friends) told me he gave her his number at our party." I can't tell you how disgusted I was to hear this. His point was that "everyone behaves badly" blameshifting which is very common with SA. First, I don't want to know this information. Second, you hanging around people who do this kind of thing does not instill confidence in me that you have appropriate boundaries or are surrounding yourself with people who believe in marriage.

spond posted 12/18/2013 17:39 PM

For me it was when I suspected something was going on. So I recovered deleted text messages from her iPhone. Sexting all over the place. She never sexted with me, so I knew they were to someone else.

Calli0pe posted 12/18/2013 20:19 PM

I suspected nothing.
The day after Thanksgiving I needed to text a coupon to my phone & my iPad was acting up so I went to the computer. There were two tabs open. One was a dirty FB chat session with an online friend of his that included dirty pictures of her, him, and - wait for it - ME.
The other tab was REVIEWS he wrote on an escort forum. Explicit reviews of the pros he'd fucked & the things they did.

My WH is obvs a genius.

RidingHealingRd posted 12/18/2013 21:49 PM

MOW knocked on my door after my WH ended it with her after work that day. WH discovered that she was two timing him. I will never know for sure why she did that but I suspect she just wanted to throw his ass under the bus... She succeeded.

The pain of infidelity is like no other. I am sorry for your pain and I wish you strength.

mchercheur posted 12/18/2013 22:05 PM

I won't relate what happened next because that is by far the most painful, hurtful moment of my life. I don't want to think about how you can physically feel your heart break and see the walls of your apartment melt around you because you realize the life you knew is over.

I know---have been there.
WH was acting different. I had "that gut feeling", & for the first time in all of our 23 years together, I checked his phone bill & saw a million calls to one #---called it & heard her voice & I KNEW. I confronted him & he admitted that he had slept with her. I will never forget that moment. The whole world changed. I lost all of my security, & I will never get it back.

I wish you peace & healing. Let us all help each other on this road.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:05 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

20Hopeful16 posted 12/19/2013 07:41 AM

I had suspicions for a couple of months, but WH was gaslighting and I was buying it. Then on DDay his phone lit up with her name. I told him she was trying to call him (co-worker), and he immediately took the phone outside (he was grilling dinner) and called back. A minute later he came back in, sat me down, and told me that what I had suspected was true. She had just told her BS, and thought he was on his way over to confront WH. Sure enough, 45 minutes later he showed up at my front door with an axe in his hand. I ended up calling the police, the neighbors got quite a show, my kids were slightly traumatized (although missed a good part of it thanks to my awesome friends), and I ended up pressing charges and having OBS arrested (because I was afraid of what he'd do later).

I figure I have the basis of a good novel, or at least a story line for a soap opera.

self-rescuer posted 12/19/2013 08:36 AM

That's when I hit him.

Man, oh man, I wish I'd have done that!

My ex had texted our daughter who was away at college. He had left the room and when I heard a text come in on his phone, I expected a reply from our daughter. Of course it was actually from his girlfriend of FIVE years. Fighting the urge to projectile vomit I read text after text.

As we all do when we confront, I expected him to beg for my forgiveness and show immediate remorse but instead he denied and lied and was angry that I had looked at his phone.

So began the predictable and tragic saga of infidelity 101.

Holly-Isis posted 12/19/2013 08:53 AM


I'm so sorry you're part of our club. I had an early Dec. d-day. They're all hard but there's something about facing Christmas with a broken heart that just sucks the light out of these December days.

I'm glad he let you read the emails, many WSs will get to them first and delete them. This means you have more information than most have early on after discovery.

Proceed with caution though as most WSs try to minimize the A through TT (trickle truth) and outright lies. They also take the A underground. I understand your WH said he "had" an A, but as the charge was current, it's likely the A was ongoing unless you saw evidence that showed otherwise. So just be aware that often the WS will resist ending the A because it is like an addiction that makes them feel good about themselves. After all, don't we all feel better when we know someone thinks we're attractive, witty, insightful and so on?

Please keep reading and posting.

million tears posted 12/19/2013 10:13 AM

These stories all just suck. It's so heartbreaking.

I found out when my WH came home from work and tossed his phone on the bed. There was a text that said "hey baby" from "Allen" I asked him who Allen was. He said it must be a wrong number. I believed him but something made me look through his texts while he was in the shower.

I figured out who the texts were from because she mentioned her daughter.

I looked at the phone records and there were hundreds of texts and phone calls. He didn't admit it was a PA until I told him I was going to have the phone company send me a record of what the texts said (he didn't know that wasn't possible)

I hit him too. A bunch of times. Not proud of it but it took me a long time to be sorry for it.

roses303 posted 12/19/2013 14:59 PM

Mine stupidly screwed up old school and left a hotel receipt on the floor of his car. He had used the address of his old house from before we were married so I thought it was weird. Then I looked at the date, 3 days earlier, when he was "working late" I called him left a message, he called back and denied, I texted him a picture of it and 20 minutes later he was home to "explain" Took him 3 weeks and some texts from the OW outing him more before he admitted to the extent of the affair.

I know that heart dropping through the floor feeling. It is like your whole world stops when it sinks in. It is hell.

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