So just to be safe, I will post here, in my comfort zone.
I hurt. I am tired of hurting. I can't get comfortable. I fell 3 weeks ago and broke my ankle, injured my back, and I am still black and blue and green. I can't tie my shoes without my back screaming at me. I can't reach my feet to put on clothes.
I can't drive. Getting in and out of cars is a freakin' mess. I have pulled more of my hair out mangling this move.
I can't shave my legs. Not that it matters, but it freakin MATTERS!!
I limp, to protect my ankle, and that makes the whole side of my body hurt. The hip, the back, my foot and my nerve all down my leg.
And now I am starting to have panic attacks about the stairs. I wake up at night and my mind is reliving my ankle rolling and I get cold sweats and nausea. If I have to go outside and down those steps I get sweaty and sick feeling. I haven't admitted this to anyone. It feels kinda crazy. Like that SPOT is holding onto BAD VIBES.
I forget/ignore that I am a broken mess... right up until I move, try to stand up, get dressed, take a shower. People ask, and I smile, say "I am better. Healing." Instead, I want to cry, and scream.
I have not wrapped a single gift. I do have a few items (thank the internet) but the fact that the holiday is almost HERE is freaking me out. NO stocking stuffers... you know, that stuff you wander around and buy? Wandering- not on my list of things I can do right now.
I am feeling sorry for myself and I don't like it. I don't feel like I have anywhere I can GO with these feelings either. Because everyone who asks "what can I do?" and everyone who is DOING so MUCH to help me really shouldn't see me whine and be a baby.
I am dependent on people for damn near everything (rides to work, carrying things, carpooling my kids, running errands. And I DON"T DO DEPENDENT very well. Ever. But especially since DDAY.
I have missed a shit ton of work.
Then the optimistic guilt trip. I have a job. I have friends and family that have willingly and graciously stepped up and helped out. I will heal (Lord, please!!)
I can delegate the stocking buying just like everything else.
Who cares if my legs are shaved? I can stand to lose some hair getting into cars.
I don't like pain, but it doesn't control me. It is midlevel pain most of the time, and only REALLY painful if I over do... or move.
At least I don't have to suffer while married to someone who would act like my clumsiness was his problem. And then I just don't feel optimistic any more.
I am still depressed and whiny. ARGGGGGGH!
"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC
CG, I think a broken ankle is a very valid reason to whine a little.at Christmas time, for you. I know it is hard to let others help you, but believe me, they are glad to doit and you are making them feel better.
I hope your baby gets well soon!! DS9 is recovering from strep. Certainly when the little ones are not feeling well, everything goes a little haywire.
I think the holidays are hard under the best of circumstances, and this year is not the BEST.
thanks for the ear/shoulder/understanding.
I wish I could come
A) whack the stairs with a broomstick where you fell & chase away the bad mojo
B) put a big crockpot of something yummy on to cook for you
C) show up with goodies & treats to put in your stockings
D) pop open a bottle of vino & toast together a Christmas filled with freedom and new possibilities
The rest of the kindness made me a little teary, in a good way. Thank you.
Anyone else needing them, come and get 'em.
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown
Wish I could wrap some gifts and get those stocking stuffers for you!
Hugs for you too, Jessica.
Cg, Your member name says it all. You care for everyone all the time. Now it's time for the caregiver to receive care. I'm glad you have people to help you. Please take them up on their offers. If you lived near me, I would be right over to help. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you, tesla.
Thank you, jo2love.
Not for the first time, I wish SI was a real place.
@badmed, thanks, but backwards is HOW I fell, so um, yeah, maybe not.
I totally understand where you are coming from. It sucks having to depend on people for such basic necessities.
But please know that you don't have to be Super Woman. If the stockings aren't stuffed or the gifts aren't wrapped - it will be OK.
If you overdo it, then your healing will suffer,and you will end up extending your misery.
Hugs to you.