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whine, whine snifffle... hugs, please!

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caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 19:38 PM

I started to post in Off Topic, but since so much is WRONG right now, I am sure at least some of it is Stretch's fault. My financial situation is certainly not helped by his non support.

So just to be safe, I will post here, in my comfort zone.

I hurt. I am tired of hurting. I can't get comfortable. I fell 3 weeks ago and broke my ankle, injured my back, and I am still black and blue and green. I can't tie my shoes without my back screaming at me. I can't reach my feet to put on clothes.

I can't drive. Getting in and out of cars is a freakin' mess. I have pulled more of my hair out mangling this move.

I can't shave my legs. Not that it matters, but it freakin MATTERS!!

I limp, to protect my ankle, and that makes the whole side of my body hurt. The hip, the back, my foot and my nerve all down my leg.

And now I am starting to have panic attacks about the stairs. I wake up at night and my mind is reliving my ankle rolling and I get cold sweats and nausea. If I have to go outside and down those steps I get sweaty and sick feeling. I haven't admitted this to anyone. It feels kinda crazy. Like that SPOT is holding onto BAD VIBES.

I forget/ignore that I am a broken mess... right up until I move, try to stand up, get dressed, take a shower. People ask, and I smile, say "I am better. Healing." Instead, I want to cry, and scream.

I have not wrapped a single gift. I do have a few items (thank the internet) but the fact that the holiday is almost HERE is freaking me out. NO stocking stuffers... you know, that stuff you wander around and buy? Wandering- not on my list of things I can do right now.

I am feeling sorry for myself and I don't like it. I don't feel like I have anywhere I can GO with these feelings either. Because everyone who asks "what can I do?" and everyone who is DOING so MUCH to help me really shouldn't see me whine and be a baby.

I am dependent on people for damn near everything (rides to work, carrying things, carpooling my kids, running errands. And I DON"T DO DEPENDENT very well. Ever. But especially since DDAY.

I have missed a shit ton of work.

Then the optimistic guilt trip. I have a job. I have friends and family that have willingly and graciously stepped up and helped out. I will heal (Lord, please!!)

I can delegate the stocking buying just like everything else.

Who cares if my legs are shaved? I can stand to lose some hair getting into cars.

I don't like pain, but it doesn't control me. It is midlevel pain most of the time, and only REALLY painful if I over do... or move.

At least I don't have to suffer while married to someone who would act like my clumsiness was his problem. And then I just don't feel optimistic any more.

I am still depressed and whiny. ARGGGGGGH!

HUGS? please.

JessicaFL127 posted 12/18/2013 19:45 PM

Big hugs, honey. I am kinda having a down on myself day today as well. I'm financially struggling and taking on a new job with more daycare costs, I'm too busy to date but emotionally ready to so I feel lonely and overwhelmed and my house is a disaster. My baby son has pneumonia and I have to make his specialist appointments which are now overdue. I feel like a loser. If you need to whine, I am here to listen and I definitely understand.


Pentup posted 12/18/2013 19:49 PM

(((CG)))) (((Jessica)))

CG, I think a broken ankle is a very valid reason to whine a Christmas time, for you. I know it is hard to let others help you, but believe me, they are glad to doit and you are making them feel better.

caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 19:52 PM


I hope your baby gets well soon!! DS9 is recovering from strep. Certainly when the little ones are not feeling well, everything goes a little haywire.

I think the holidays are hard under the best of circumstances, and this year is not the BEST.

thanks for the ear/shoulder/understanding.

caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 19:53 PM

thanks Pentup.

Nature_Girl posted 12/18/2013 20:14 PM


I wish I could come

A) whack the stairs with a broomstick where you fell & chase away the bad mojo

B) put a big crockpot of something yummy on to cook for you

C) show up with goodies & treats to put in your stockings

D) pop open a bottle of vino & toast together a Christmas filled with freedom and new possibilities

(((MoRE HUGS)))

caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 20:17 PM

NG, A) made me laugh, and I have exactly that image fixed in my mind. I just might have an easier go of those stairs tomorrow.

The rest of the kindness made me a little teary, in a good way. Thank you.

nowiknow23 posted 12/18/2013 20:29 PM


Anyone else needing them, come and get 'em.

tesla posted 12/18/2013 20:41 PM


Wish I could wrap some gifts and get those stocking stuffers for you!

Hugs for you too, Jessica.

jo2love posted 12/18/2013 21:11 PM


Cg, Your member name says it all. You care for everyone all the time. Now it's time for the caregiver to receive care. I'm glad you have people to help you. Please take them up on their offers. If you lived near me, I would be right over to help. I hope you feel better soon.

dmari posted 12/18/2013 21:27 PM

(((((cg9000))))) (((((cg9000))))) (((((cg9000)))))
I'm so so sorry you are hurting right now ... physically and emotionally. Don't dismiss your panic attacks. My cousin went through something similar and needed to rely on xanax to change her dressings for her foot wound. Just even thinking about it would trigger a panic attack. I am so sorry and I wish there was something I could do. It breaks my heart when someone from D/S is hurting Oh and no need for the optimistic guilt to kick in ... allow yourself to fully feel the pain and it's ok to feel like life sucks right now because it kind of does. Take care of yourself as best as you can.

badmedicine posted 12/18/2013 21:28 PM

Go down the stairs backwards. They'll never see it coming!!

caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 21:29 PM

Thank you, NIK.

Thank you, tesla.

Thank you, jo2love.

Not for the first time, I wish SI was a real place.

caregiver9000 posted 12/18/2013 21:32 PM

dmari, thanks for getting what "optimistic guilt" is!

@badmed, thanks, but backwards is HOW I fell, so um, yeah, maybe not.

IrishLass518 posted 12/18/2013 21:47 PM

I sometimes wish that we all lived near each other and we could help each other out, commiserate, laugh, pop popcorn and have a SI united meeting once a month at the local watering hole. We truly are the only ones who understand and get it. We get how co dependent we once were and how the thought of depending on someone else makes us a little gun shy and crazy. We get how nutsy our lives have been after being blown up by infidelity and how much we are struggling or have struggled to get us and our lives back. We get what it is like to deal with the crazy drama llamas that are our exs and their new sparkly life in Unicorn Fart Land. We are the ones who know what it is to be the parent to hurt and confused children. We are the ones who have become the survivors.

NotFixable posted 12/18/2013 22:19 PM

((CG)) Whine all you want to because we all understand! I think all of your gripes are perfectly legit. The holidays are already tough with this crap we are going through emotionally, and adding injury to that is an added level you certainly don't deserve. You delegate everything you can. You have people willing to help you. When you are back to yourself and can help them back, you will. Keep your head up! We are going to make it through!!

FaithFool posted 12/18/2013 22:28 PM


And xanax.

IrishLass518 posted 12/18/2013 22:38 PM

PS ((((CG huge hugs)))) sorry for the t/j, I am mad at the thought of your ex thinking that your clumsiness was somehow a negative reflection of him. Seriously, that really ticked me off.

ruinedandbroken posted 12/18/2013 22:49 PM


FirstLoveGone posted 12/18/2013 22:50 PM

I'm sending healing mojo to you as I type.

I totally understand where you are coming from. It sucks having to depend on people for such basic necessities.

But please know that you don't have to be Super Woman. If the stockings aren't stuffed or the gifts aren't wrapped - it will be OK.

If you overdo it, then your healing will suffer,and you will end up extending your misery.

Hugs to you.

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