Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance and giving up on looking back.
Anyone else experiencing this at 10 months?
I entered year 4 in Oct. and I felt as you do for about 2 years. Yes, it took that long for me to arrive at a turning point where I genuinely believed our M would survive this. What you are feeling is completely normal. Fortunately, with time and with a remorseful WH the feelings are less intrusive, the distrust less pronounced, and the pain less severe.
Is it really possible to come back from infidelity and still be happy?
Yes, it really is.
I have a WH who has always been remorseful, has been 100% committed to righting his wrong, who was accountable for his actions and did not rugsweep or shift blame. He told me on Dday that he would dedicate his life to making me happy again and I have witnessed his efforts daily.
It has been a long, difficult road but we are in a far better place today. I hate the fact that my M is forever tainted by my WH infidelity but that long, difficult journey has enabled me to accept what happened, accept my new reality, and move forward from it to build a better M.
In the early days of discovery I would never have thought it would be possible to be happy in my M again...It really is!
ETA: Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 10:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
And I think I am backsliding too. I'm not sure if it's because I have moved out of the shock and numbness stage and have started processing the pain from his betrayal, or if it's because we are in the middle of A season.
I am glad that you posted this and look forward to seeing the responses. Bc I'm in the same place I don't have any advice, just (((hugs))).
I found a lot of relief on 12/22/11, just because - I think - I no longer could say, 'A year ago....' Also, we were doing well in R. Perhaps you'll find relief, too.
Yes, coming up on my 3rd anti I can say life is often good, though I still feel shaky, like it's too good to be true. In fact, however, I've felt more happiness as time has passed and we've done the work. We still trigger - my W more than me - but we get through them. We know they're triggers, not deal breakers.
Congratulations on your newborn!
Reconciliation has taken a nose dive. He is hiding stuff from me again. I've been doing all the work on our relationship, he's not carrying any weight.
It may not work for us. Wish I had better words for you, really. Let's hope its just this crazy, stressful time of year thats making us sad.
Yes, your marriage will forever include infidelity. But, what many of us learn is that we can become wiser, and better married people after infidelity. You were betrayed, and that is going to hurt for a while. But, keep reading and communicating and growing. I hope you are reading, too.
I, like you, hate those moments when I remember, and sometimes I feel so needy I think it might take an army of people to love me back to health. But, the bad feelings eventually pass, and if you don't hide from the pain, but try to learn from it, you will likely find yourself in a much better place next year this time.
Hugs to everyone, and thank you.
I think it might take an army of people to love me back to health
This has really got me thinking... one of the things I am struggling with is believing that my husband is telling the truth when he says he loves me. During his affair, even when it was starting, he sent me love notes and bought me presents, and tried to make me feel special... I had been expressing concern that he didn't love me and he was trying to make me believe he did, guess I was right huh? Anyway, now he does a lot of those same things and swears that this time it is genuine, but how can I believe it. I don't even know for sure if he loves me, I can't help wondering if he is really only here for the kids or just because he is just too afraid to leave me and is going along to get along. Hi father did that with his mom, they didn't get along and he told his son several times he was only there for the kids, so I wonder if that is what my husband is doing. I don't feel truly loved and I wonder if I ever will again. Should I just act as if he is telling the truth, and hope that I don't get hit with more heartbreak?
there isn't anything we both can do to erase it
I try to tell myself this all the time, I know he can't erase it, and I can't either; he says he would if he could, but I just can't stop myself from begging for it to not be true in the first place. Sometimes I sit there thinking to myself, "no, no, no, no, please don't let it be true" I don't know how to move forward and accept it I guess.
Sometimes I sit there thinking to myself, "no, no, no, no, please don't let it be true" I don't know how to move forward and accept it I guess.
It's hard it think that while I was stupidly getting holiday decorations out he was cheating on me.
I feel like this too cliffside, when I think about myself going about making our happy little home into a Christmas wonderland last year all while my husband was lying to me and sneaking around with her, I feel like such a fool, and it hurts to think about how falsely happy everything was. Now in hindsight everything seems so hollow or something. I'm not sure I am expressing it right.
you can't have a good day, that means you're letting your guard down again!
I also feel this way, and then I wonder if I am torturing myself on purpose, trying to make myself miserable by prodding at the hurt; this is all very confusing.
Sometimes I actually say out loud to myself, "It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel sad."
I am 11 months and just two weeks away from my first anniversary of DDay and have been feeling like you for the last month. It seems quite bizarre considering the highs and lows of the year like it should get better as time goes on but as I've read on here it's not a linear thing.
I think there are a lot of things conspiring against you right now - the time of year, anniversary of DDay on the horizon, your hormones (perhaps), emotions associated with your new baby and I know how that despair and disbelief just washes over. As much as I love my WH and am pretty damn sure he won't do this again to us, I do still look at him in such disbelief! My WH also specifically told me he would never do this - I even asked him outright and it was during his A if he would do it and he said no and that really hurts....
BUT what we do need to remember is that there are always underlying issues for all WS and when they did what they did they were 'ill' they were compartmentalising. I can honestly say that my WH behaviour towards me was no different during his A than before it. He always showed me love, affection, was caring, made me feel special but he was in an A. He was able to compartmentalise - something his FOO issues enabled and which stuck with him into his adult life and were totally inappropriate.
Be heartened that your WS is doing all he should - we have to have faith that this sadness will end.
You got through the initial shock period and had a new baby and now? BAM- the reality of what he did is now beginning to sink in.
Also- you are close to last year's Dday which will increase your pain.
but I just wish so badly that he had kept his promise, that I could have faith in that man who hugged me and told me everything would be ok.
Have NO faith in his words- he lied to you and his promise was not made from a heart that believed it so forget his words. He has proved what we all know- words mean jack!
Watch his actions- they will tell you whether he is trusworthy.
FWIW? The first year (before I had proof he was in his A) was hard as it was 10pm on Christmas Eve when I found out he wasn't coming home!! (Read my profile- it's all in there)
I ended up a complete wreck on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve still triggers me!
Congratulations on your new baby. Be kind to yourself- the second year can be tougher than the first but you have us to hold you up when you fall down so keep posting and stay strong.
[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 7:06 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]
Yes, we need to stop wishing for a better past, but that doesn't mean we can't wish and work towards a better future!!!!
I like igaveitmyall's suggestions --I will try to apply that to my life as well.
Best of luck to you. We all understand how tremendously hard the holidays are. Take a deep breath and plow through. Try to enjoy the little moments of happiness and the true meaning and joy of the season!!!!