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10 months out and struggling please help

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inshockandhurt posted 12/18/2013 21:49 PM

Lately I feel like I am backsliding. I just had our baby (product of HB) about 2 weeks ago and at first I was ok. I was having a really hard time leading up to the birth and once he was born I immediately felt better. But now I can’t seem to stop obsessing about everything. It is affair season for me and I just can’t stop thinking about, “this time last year” and how even though we seemed so happy last year as a couple, he was still having sex with another woman behind my back. According to him he wanted out of the affair at that point and just couldn’t get free because she kept threatening to tell or commit suicide, I believe this because I know her and she is exactly that type of person, so it makes it easier, but at the same time I am just SO sad and disappointed and mad that it happened. I continue to flash back to a tearful conversation I had with WH months before the affair even started in which I expressed my worry that he was interested in her and would have an affair, and his firm assurances that he would “never do that to me”. I distinctly remember him putting his arms around me and holding me and telling me he wouldn’t hurt me like that… but four months later he was doing it. I am struggling with the fact that I feel like I can’t trust anything he says, even just him saying that he loves me, and I am starting to doubt my ability to let this go. We are 10 months out and with the anniversary of d-day looming closer I am still feeling like I am caught in a nightmare that I can’t shake. Just driving down the road I remember that my husband cheated on me, even after promising that he wouldn’t, and every time I remember this it feels like my heart dies a little, and my whole body sags in sadness. I think, “No! Please don’t let it be true!” But it is and it makes me so sad. I still can’t imagine divorcing my husband, despite everything I want to reconcile, I still love him and believe he is a good man, but I am so scared about the future and I am sad that my marriage will forever include infidelity. He is doing everything he can to try to fix things, he is reading books and is in IC, he tries to do everything I ask him to to help me heal but I worry that I will just be heartbroken over this forever. Anyone else experiencing this at 10 months? I heard it was normal from a friend of mine, what is everyone else’s experience. Is it really possible to come back from infidelity and still be happy?

RidingHealingRd posted 12/18/2013 22:07 PM

Anyone else experiencing this at 10 months?

I entered year 4 in Oct. and I felt as you do for about 2 years. Yes, it took that long for me to arrive at a turning point where I genuinely believed our M would survive this. What you are feeling is completely normal. Fortunately, with time and with a remorseful WH the feelings are less intrusive, the distrust less pronounced, and the pain less severe.

Is it really possible to come back from infidelity and still be happy?

Yes, it really is.
I have a WH who has always been remorseful, has been 100% committed to righting his wrong, who was accountable for his actions and did not rugsweep or shift blame. He told me on Dday that he would dedicate his life to making me happy again and I have witnessed his efforts daily.
It has been a long, difficult road but we are in a far better place today. I hate the fact that my M is forever tainted by my WH infidelity but that long, difficult journey has enabled me to accept what happened, accept my new reality, and move forward from it to build a better M.
In the early days of discovery I would never have thought it would be possible to be happy in my M again...It really is!

ETA: Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy.


[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 10:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

womaninflux posted 12/19/2013 08:05 AM

I'm at 9 months and experiencing some of this. I will have a good run and then I start getting upset.

TennisTC posted 12/19/2013 10:17 AM

I am 10 months out as well and I know exactly how you feel. I wonder if ever a day will go by without thinking about the A. I feel like so much of my life is dominated by something I did not choose. It sucks.

And I think I am backsliding too. I'm not sure if it's because I have moved out of the shock and numbness stage and have started processing the pain from his betrayal, or if it's because we are in the middle of A season.

I am glad that you posted this and look forward to seeing the responses. Bc I'm in the same place I don't have any advice, just (((hugs))).

sisoon posted 12/19/2013 10:32 AM

My W's A was physical - hidden but something was obviously wrong with her - from early August of 2010 to 12/22/10. The first replay of the A season in 2011 was awful for me, too, and I didn't have to deal with a newborn.

I found a lot of relief on 12/22/11, just because - I think - I no longer could say, 'A year ago....' Also, we were doing well in R. Perhaps you'll find relief, too.

Yes, coming up on my 3rd anti I can say life is often good, though I still feel shaky, like it's too good to be true. In fact, however, I've felt more happiness as time has passed and we've done the work. We still trigger - my W more than me - but we get through them. We know they're triggers, not deal breakers.

Congratulations on your newborn!

MailServer posted 12/19/2013 10:33 AM

I am 16 months out and I feel like I am backsliding. At around this time last year, I was still struggling with more betrayal. Finding out he was constantly breaking NC behind my back and lying about it. I barely got up the christmas decorations last year. This year? I don't even want to put them up. Not even the tree. I have no interest. I'm not even shopping for presents.

Reconciliation has taken a nose dive. He is hiding stuff from me again. I've been doing all the work on our relationship, he's not carrying any weight.

It may not work for us. Wish I had better words for you, really. Let's hope its just this crazy, stressful time of year thats making us sad.

bionicgal posted 12/19/2013 10:38 AM

What you are feeling is normal, and yes, you will be happy again. You are coming up on the holidays AND your dday. . .that is a double whammy! If you felt fantastic right now, I'd doubt your sanity.

Yes, your marriage will forever include infidelity. But, what many of us learn is that we can become wiser, and better married people after infidelity. You were betrayed, and that is going to hurt for a while. But, keep reading and communicating and growing. I hope you are reading, too.

I, like you, hate those moments when I remember, and sometimes I feel so needy I think it might take an army of people to love me back to health. But, the bad feelings eventually pass, and if you don't hide from the pain, but try to learn from it, you will likely find yourself in a much better place next year this time.

inshockandhurt posted 12/19/2013 14:33 PM

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your comments. I feel like I am drowning all of a sudden and like the pain is fresh again. I just want so desperately to go back. I suppose it takes fully accepting that there is no going back, that it really did happen and there is no changing it... I guess I am not there yet. I have never in my life wanted something to be not true so badly. I also am starting to feel angry again and I hate the anger part, it is very unhelpful to R. I will keep trying, because I know that I want to stay, but I just wish so badly that he had kept his promise, that I could have faith in that man who hugged me and told me everything would be ok. Guess I should stop wishing huh?

Hugs to everyone, and thank you.

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/19/2013 14:39 PM

At 10-13 months I was starting to have one or two good days and then about a week or two horrible days. I was battling doubt, anger, hopelessness, lack of confidence, Ups and downs. I think its normal. Just try and keep working on you for you. I am 16 months out and recently got to the point where I have accepted it happened and there isn't anything we both can do to erase it. Hard spot to get to.

inshockandhurt posted 12/19/2013 14:43 PM

I think it might take an army of people to love me back to health

This has really got me thinking... one of the things I am struggling with is believing that my husband is telling the truth when he says he loves me. During his affair, even when it was starting, he sent me love notes and bought me presents, and tried to make me feel special... I had been expressing concern that he didn't love me and he was trying to make me believe he did, guess I was right huh? Anyway, now he does a lot of those same things and swears that this time it is genuine, but how can I believe it. I don't even know for sure if he loves me, I can't help wondering if he is really only here for the kids or just because he is just too afraid to leave me and is going along to get along. Hi father did that with his mom, they didn't get along and he told his son several times he was only there for the kids, so I wonder if that is what my husband is doing. I don't feel truly loved and I wonder if I ever will again. Should I just act as if he is telling the truth, and hope that I don't get hit with more heartbreak?

inshockandhurt posted 12/19/2013 14:46 PM

there isn't anything we both can do to erase it

I try to tell myself this all the time, I know he can't erase it, and I can't either; he says he would if he could, but I just can't stop myself from begging for it to not be true in the first place. Sometimes I sit there thinking to myself, "no, no, no, no, please don't let it be true" I don't know how to move forward and accept it I guess.

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/19/2013 15:09 PM

Sometimes I sit there thinking to myself, "no, no, no, no, please don't let it be true" I don't know how to move forward and accept it I guess.
Its so hard!!! This for me was/is the hardest part. Acceptance/Forgiveness. For a while I would start thinking about things and at the end of my thoughts I would say to myself "I forgive you for that" (specifically) some stuff I had to forgive myself for. Everytime I would tell myself I forgive her I would mentally let it fly away and release myself from it. (Weird I know) But to get to where it is an occurance, some tragic chain of events in our marrital journey is challenging and hard. Its not rug sweeping its accepting it. Hard thing to accept. Its not allowing it to control you. It not letting the AP take anymore away from you (Mentally) Its regaining your confidance as a person. I just started working on being Physically, Mentally and Spiritually Stonger. I still sometimes look at my wife and think you did ...... with another man you bitch!!! But I still work on letting it go. Mostly for me because that shit eats you way.

cliffside posted 12/19/2013 15:53 PM

I'm also 10 months out and feeling exactly the same. Angry. Sad. Irritated. I find myself having a good day and then it's like Noooooo, you can't have a good day, that means you're letting your guard down again! Mine had a a 2 yr LTA and it lasted through two Holiday seasons. It's hard it think that while I was stupidly getting holiday decorations out he was cheating on me.
I want to move this past this, but time will only tell....

inshockandhurt posted 12/21/2013 01:45 AM

IGaveItMyAll: it sounds like you systematically went through and forgave some of the things she did. That could work, thank you, I will try that. I sure wish he hadn't promised so specifically, I feel like if I didn't have that conversation to flash on I would feel better, but I bet that is not true, it would just be something else, I am sure.

It's hard it think that while I was stupidly getting holiday decorations out he was cheating on me.

I feel like this too cliffside, when I think about myself going about making our happy little home into a Christmas wonderland last year all while my husband was lying to me and sneaking around with her, I feel like such a fool, and it hurts to think about how falsely happy everything was. Now in hindsight everything seems so hollow or something. I'm not sure I am expressing it right.

inshockandhurt posted 12/21/2013 02:00 AM

you can't have a good day, that means you're letting your guard down again!

I also feel this way, and then I wonder if I am torturing myself on purpose, trying to make myself miserable by prodding at the hurt; this is all very confusing.

learningtofeel posted 12/21/2013 11:48 AM

inshockandhurt, are you able to let yourself feel what you feel? Let those sad, hurt, painful awful feelings wash over you and be discharged. With a two-week-old and other kids you must be exhausted. It's okay to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel hurt about what happened. It's okay to let your H know. It's okay for others around you to help out too - let you rest, let you enjoy your baby.

Sometimes I actually say out loud to myself, "It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel sad."

inshockandhurt posted 12/22/2013 05:26 AM

My worry is that I seem to be stuck in sad, it's happy I am having a hard time feeling right now. I don't think it is postpartum or anything because it is not the baby; it is all affair related. I feel like I am more sad and in shock than I was right after dday. I can't stop thinking about how he promised and how my worst nightmare has come true.

UKlady posted 12/22/2013 06:10 AM


I am 11 months and just two weeks away from my first anniversary of DDay and have been feeling like you for the last month. It seems quite bizarre considering the highs and lows of the year like it should get better as time goes on but as I've read on here it's not a linear thing.

I think there are a lot of things conspiring against you right now - the time of year, anniversary of DDay on the horizon, your hormones (perhaps), emotions associated with your new baby and I know how that despair and disbelief just washes over. As much as I love my WH and am pretty damn sure he won't do this again to us, I do still look at him in such disbelief! My WH also specifically told me he would never do this - I even asked him outright and it was during his A if he would do it and he said no and that really hurts....

BUT what we do need to remember is that there are always underlying issues for all WS and when they did what they did they were 'ill' they were compartmentalising. I can honestly say that my WH behaviour towards me was no different during his A than before it. He always showed me love, affection, was caring, made me feel special but he was in an A. He was able to compartmentalise - something his FOO issues enabled and which stuck with him into his adult life and were totally inappropriate.

Be heartened that your WS is doing all he should - we have to have faith that this sadness will end.

MrsDoubtfire posted 12/22/2013 07:05 AM

It's probably because reality has finally sunk in for you.

You got through the initial shock period and had a new baby and now? BAM- the reality of what he did is now beginning to sink in.

Also- you are close to last year's Dday which will increase your pain.

but I just wish so badly that he had kept his promise, that I could have faith in that man who hugged me and told me everything would be ok.

Have NO faith in his words- he lied to you and his promise was not made from a heart that believed it so forget his words. He has proved what we all know- words mean jack!

Watch his actions- they will tell you whether he is trusworthy.

FWIW? The first year (before I had proof he was in his A) was hard as it was 10pm on Christmas Eve when I found out he wasn't coming home!! (Read my profile- it's all in there)
I ended up a complete wreck on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve still triggers me!

Congratulations on your new baby. Be kind to yourself- the second year can be tougher than the first but you have us to hold you up when you fall down so keep posting and stay strong.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 7:06 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

StillStanding1 posted 12/22/2013 10:01 AM

Another "10 monther" weighing in..... And yes, it's a total rollercoaster and never linear. I struggle between letting my guard down and insisting that I keep my shields up. It's exhausting. And I didn't recently have a baby!!! Wow. I can't even imagine. Please be good to yourself and don't get frustrated by your lack of control over your ever- changing emotions. I find that just giving myself "permission" to be an emotional roller coaster helps.

Yes, we need to stop wishing for a better past, but that doesn't mean we can't wish and work towards a better future!!!!

I like igaveitmyall's suggestions --I will try to apply that to my life as well.

Best of luck to you. We all understand how tremendously hard the holidays are. Take a deep breath and plow through. Try to enjoy the little moments of happiness and the true meaning and joy of the season!!!!

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