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nealos posted 12/18/2013 23:18 PM

I just spent over an hour Facebook-stalking my ex-fiancee. I'm now in tears… I just need to proclaim out loud that it is unhealthy and obsessive. I hate it. I hate it so much. I really wish I hadn't done that. I just drummed up all kinds of images of her life with old friends and her new boyfriend. I don't know why I do this. …probably something about wanting to have a connection still. It doesn't really matter. It feels terrible… I hate it so much :( I'm just disappointed in myself.

badchoice posted 12/19/2013 02:43 AM

Nealos -

I am sorry that you are still struggling with this.

I was going to post something like this myself. I struggle with the obsessive thoughts about my (stbx) W a lot. I spent most of my IC appointment this week on this subject.

probably something about wanting to have a connection still.

Yes, that is the thought I and my IC have on it too.

I just need to proclaim out loud that it is unhealthy and obsessive.

It is great that you see this. When you realize the damage doing it to yourself is much greater than anything you get out of it, it will not be as alluring. That is all part of self care (something I struggle with when I am on my own. When my kids are here, I do really well. Thank God I have them 50%).

I suggest you come up with a strategy for next time you have the desire to look her up. My IC told me to write about what I am feeling, and get it out of my head. In my situation, the obsessive behaviors is the way I avoid feeling, so I have to train myself to be ok with those feelings, even when they suck.

I'm just disappointed in myself.

Don't be too hard on yourself, just look to do better next time.

BTW - good to see you post. I have been reading a lot on SI lately, but not posting, so it's good to see you again.

Good luck dealing with those feelings.

authenticnow posted 12/19/2013 05:49 AM


Sometimes we put ourselves in a painful place intentionally to punish ourselves. Sometimes we're just curious, feeling desperate, sad. And I agree, it is about feeling the connection, as brief and false as it is.

What have you been doing to work on yourself? Are you in treatment for your SA? Are you in IC? Keep your focus on getting healthy and eventually you will have healthy coping mechanisms and you'll be able to move forward from xgf.

nealos posted 12/19/2013 23:07 PM

thanks, badchoice-- scenario planning would go a long way to give me a plan for next time. I've been giving it some more thought, and that whole day leading up to that I was isolating and having a pretty shitty work day where I got chewed out by a client for something dumb. Euphoric recall triggers me, I think-- then I use the obsession of my xF to be an escape from the stressor. It's another coping mechanism gone awry… big shocker there, huh? A recovery buddy I talked to about this on the phone pointed out to me the blessing of this being the "top plate" so to speak-- the hardest thing I'm dealing with at the moment is way upstream of what got me into recovery. For that I'm grateful.

authenticnow-- thanks for looking out for me and replying. I was desperate and sad, for sure. …other layers too. It's good to know that it's not all addiction related; that at least other people suffer from the same emotions. I like feeling connected to the human race from time to time too :) In answers to your questions, I haven't done much lately to grieve the end of that relationship. It's something my therapist and I worked on for quite some time… I think if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to grief/accept/give-up the last of it. There's still a part of me (heart-related) that doesn't want to let go. It's time, though… I'll need help with this, though. I'll give some thought to how I can ask for that help and to whom to ask for it. ..and I am in a few different treatment programs for me SA-- 12-step and group therapy… and individual therapy. It's helped saved my life, I think.

I feel much better today. I connected with some people who love me and support me… I was honest and I got back love. Why I don't let that happen every time I'm in a funk, I don't know. Another character defect of wanting to isolate and be my own source of power, I guess. …could certainly be in the topic of self-care.

Jrazz posted 12/19/2013 23:47 PM

Don't be too hard on yourself, just look to do better next time.

Badchoice summed it up perfectly. Good for you for getting it out here. We're here to support you being your healthiest self. It's ok to backslide - just know that you can keep climbing up. Tomorrow's a new day.


Scorpio2310 posted 12/20/2013 14:21 PM

I had a similar incident happen. The only difference was that I actually made contact with my XF. I kept it from my BSO, she found out, and it lead to my full disclosure.

I realized that FB is not a healthy place for me to be (i.e. lots of self-absorbed people, drama, he said/she said, etc.). That being the case I offered never to have a FB account. If I feel the need to get on FB for any reason then I will get on my BSO's with her supervision.

If you are ever online and you are having a bad day or feeling really down instead of turning to FB for a quick pick-me-up that brings about self-flagellation, turn here and post. There is always someone who can relate, empathize, or at the very least sympathize with you. That is what I am learning to do. I am learning that I really can trust everyone here and that they truly have my best interest at heart.

dreamlife posted 12/21/2013 05:23 AM

Huge hugs!

Lucky2HaveMe posted 12/21/2013 15:22 PM

Block her name on your FB. This will prevent you from finding her page without consciously removing her name from your block list.

That will give you pause the next time you try, can't find anything, remember you have blocked her and think about why you blocked her.

Helped me with my fb stalking of the OW.

Francheska posted 12/22/2013 18:46 PM

I can't even count how many Stupid and emotionally unhealthy choices I have made because I was hurting or pissed or drunk!! Just try to hold it together and make the best choices you can for you. If the relationship is over than that's all you can do. I know it doesn't really help but... I'm sorry.

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