Yeah. Mostly, it’s smart to Not Go There when you’re having a drink or two, but sometimes, there is truth in wine.
FWH came home tonight, feeling stressed and with daemons on his back. Woke up feeling displaced. Went to work, triggering, over former abusive work situations. Feeling headachy and stomach churning. Feeling for the first time, in a long, long time, like running away. Heading to the strip clubs. Wanting to just check out and be pandered to.
And came home to a home-cooked meal, good smells, a bottle of wine, and a smiling wife. I had a somewhat bad start to my day, but with a text from him and then enough time to get my work together, it turned into a good day. So I cooked dinner for him as a surprise, since he does most of the cooking.
So we finished prepping dinner, and he told me about his day. And I hugged him, and we shared our day. Had dinner on trays watching Jeopardy. Afterwards, he told me he wasn’t feeling up to anything ambitious, and I suggested we both get our computers and just flake out. So, he’s playing Civilization next to me and I’m here. Interesting way we have to “flake out” on our computers, eh?
And during that, we start to talk. He is still somewhat agitated, thoughts chasing around his brain. And I look at him, and I see my dearly beloved husband in pain. Saying Thank-You for being with me. For marrying me. For sticking with me. In a spontaneous upwelling of love, I look him dead in the eyes and say, it was your post-DDay actions that made it possible for us to be here today. And tell him,
You took responsibility for your actions, even when you were almost leveled by your clinical depression.
You put my needs above your own, even when you were unable to articulate what you needed.
You never once, blamed me for your transgressions. Yes, we had our problems and we failed each other, but you never, once, pretended that your descent into porn, strippers, cam girls, etc., was ever anyone else’s fault but yours.
And that led into a conversation about my father not liking me or wanting to be around me. He shared about his dad being borderline alcoholic. We talk, and *listen* to each other. And then, jointly, decide that it’s time for us to digest and draw apart. Next to each other, keeping company, but separately processing.
And he goes back to playing Civilization, and I am here, talking to y-all. All in all, an exceptional night.