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badmedicine posted 12/19/2013 06:43 AM

Just filed for divorce 12/13 and he was finally served yesterday. Bastard looked it up online and knew that it was coming. So now I'm being bombarded with texts, emails, and sad faces. POOR HIM. He feels so abandoned, shut out, etc. Hello? You disappeared for days at a time with no second thought. How do you think I felt then? UGH. However, I still love him at least a little and it's hard not to let him in. I know what will happen. RIght? Hoping for strength today. If I can last until Saturday morning I'll have a break until Christmas because I'll be out of town. Counting the seconds.

Merlin posted 12/19/2013 07:11 AM

When my now ex-w refused to give up OM, I filed later the same day. I was still very much in love with her and would have done nearly anything to keep her in my life, save our marriage and keep our family together. Anything but pretend that I could have another man in our lives.

A long and awful divorce followed. Post-divorce has been very difficult.

You need to know what you want and what you will live with. For me, the answer was and remains clear. I do not like what happened. But the consequences resulted from her choices as well as mine.

What are you willing to live with?

Rainbows posted 12/19/2013 08:36 AM

At some point the costs of sticking it out end up outweighing the benefits. I had to take a hard look at myself because tangled in with my feelings was a lot of codependency and enabling.

I loved my Ex and we had made it through a lot of stuff. So when I found out the second time, I knew it was me that had to change.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Keep busy. Avoid your phone and emails as much as possible (I switch mine off throughout the day when I start to feel weak or triggered). You can do it.

StillLivin posted 12/19/2013 14:21 PM

You can do this. It's not going to be easy, but hang in there.
When I filed for LS I didn't want to. I wanted my M to work so badly. But he wasn't the same man I married. Part of me was hoping that being served would wake him up.
Though he got caught sobbing in the driveway by our neighbor after being served and me leaving for work, he still moved out and moved Shrek to our state a few days later.
He wasn't willing to do the hard work that R needs. He wanted to rugsweep, and I just couldn't live like that. I would've been miserable, and I would've felt like I sold my soul.
If your H isn't willing to do the hard work needed for R, he will continue to do the same things. Can you really live like that? Can you live with repeated betrayal, and heartcrushing misplaced hope over and over.
Maybe he will wake up and do what you need to heal and for R to actually have a chance. But if he isn't doing this now, then stay the course and keep busy so you won't have time to engage with him.

Phoenix1 posted 12/19/2013 14:39 PM

Initiating the end of my marriage was, by far, one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn't want my marriage to end. I was in it for life, or so I believed. However, the man I divorced was not the man I married. I don't know who this person is anymore. But once the process started just hearing his voice or seeing a text message/email would tie me up in knots. I wanted him to pull his head out of his ass before it was too late. I wanted him to see what he was doing to our family. Never happened. He moved and took twatbox and their demon spawn with him. THAT was what I was married to, and I couldn't continue to live that lie. It was sucking the very life out of me. I am sorry it ended, but I don't regret doing it.

Stay strong, badmedicine. Do what you have to do. Just remember, if R is truly in the cards for you, the divorce can be stopped before it becomes final at any point. Do what is right for you, whatever that may be.

gypsybird87 posted 12/19/2013 14:44 PM

No advice to offer.... my XWH had no interest in R and couldn't get out the door fast enough, so I never had to experience what you are going through.

All I can say is please keep in mind that though he looks and sounds like the man you married, he's proven by his actions that he is not that man.

Sending a big hug.
((badmedicine))

nowiknow23 posted 12/19/2013 16:20 PM

Sending you strength, badmedicine. (((((hugs)))))

caregiver9000 posted 12/19/2013 16:25 PM

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry

I got nothing better than that, so I will highlight your own tagline and include a (((hug))) to go with it.

Stay busy, post and read,

DO NOT ENGAGE!!

Poor him? ffffffptttttt.

badmedicine posted 12/19/2013 16:50 PM

THANK YOU everyone. This is hard, harder than I thought. I knew I couldn't file until I was ready because he would put forth effort but this has been way more than expected. Texts, emails, pictures, everything. I told him to call a therapist or his mother (she basically told me that we had nothing in common anyway and I should have seen this coming/expected it/suck it up because "affairs happen").

It's tearing me apart but I know I know I know what will happen. Plus, a wise friend told me once: "You can always marry him again if he transforms into prince charming."

stronger08 posted 12/19/2013 17:06 PM

Block him on everything. FB, e-mail, phone etc. Its hard enough having to accept things are over. You don't need some phony, cake eating asshole annoying you with false promises of change. If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn't, he wont. But that's on him my friend. Best to totally black him out of your life for the time being until your strong enough to battle his bullshit. Hang in there and stay the course.

RealityStinks posted 12/19/2013 18:18 PM

badmedicine - hoping you find some relief while you're out of town.

I have a feeling I'll be joining your club in a few weeks. Based on her reaction's over the past few weeks, I think getting served will rock my WW's world enough for her to do some of what your WH is doing (it may not though). I guess we'll see. But, if I get to the point of filing, I'm 99% sure it's game over for me. She's had way to many strikes, and this ain't baseball.

If you have to file for D to straighten them up, do you really want them anyway?

careerlady posted 12/19/2013 20:09 PM

(((Badmedicine)))

It is SO hard not to fall into the old pattern of forgiveness. These bastards specialize in getting us to fall back in line. I don't even feel love for my STBX right now but I feel the pull of familiarity and pattern. Remember that your STBX ate cake for 3 years or more? This man couldn't be faithful without a serious overhaul and I doubt he's been trying much if you've gotten to this point

What I do is I just keep repeating all my reasons for divorce to myself anytime I get an urge. And definitely block the shit out of him.

NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 20:16 PM

((badmedicine)) I understand how you are feeling and it sucks! It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is when your heart and your head are telling you 2 different things. My heart is still telling me how much I love WH and can't bear to lose him, but my head knows he is an asshat that doesn't deserve me. Fortunately for me, he made the decision to be done with me. It was the worse feeling in the world, but I do know deep down inside that he did me a favor. Trust your gut. Take care of you. Ignore his sorry butt. Good luck!

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