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Newest Member: LakeErie7 (61097)

User Topic: What to do with him now?
♀ 41153
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to do with WH. This living together separately stuff stinks, and although I am committed to staying until the lease is over and I've saved enough to get a place for me and the kids, I just don't know what to do with him in the meantime.

I've been sticking to the 180 pretty well. I don't initiate talking, but I am not hostile. We talk mostly about the kids and the surface things going on. It is nice to be separated that way for the most part, I don't expect him to care about me emotionally, and he doesn't. In fact, from his behavior, it is much like it always has been, except now he goes to counseling and meetings, which gives him more to talk to me about. I listen but don't ask questions really. So, it looks good to me that real separation is really going to be something I can handle. I am looking forward to breaking my own codependent habits.

Except that he seems to think that we're on the road to recovery. After two IC sessions and two SA meetings, he is thinking I'm going to buy his recovery. I have a VERY hard time dealing with not being able to set him very straight on this. I've been very straightforward, telling him that I am done, that I told him the DDay before (May 2013) this last one (October 2013) that he had overused his chances and it was over if he slipped again. I am still here as mother to my children, and I am doing a damn good job. The his-wife part of me is buried still, sobbing in the darkest cave of my heart. I don't think she can ever come out again.

The problem is that, like always, he is great as long as everything is "fine". As soon as I need to talk to him about something unpleasant, like planning for the physical separation (actually partly his idea) or about the kids' emotional needs, he gets really mean. He huffs and stomps or shuts down. Like always. He made me an accountability partner for his web use, but the first time I asked him about things on it, he got so defensive and angry that I will never ask him about that again. He apologised later about it, but I am through with being hurt trying to help him.

However, I am still here partly because I want to make sure that he can have a relationship with the kids, and that they can have a relationship with him. But he isn't even trying. He hangs around the house, and sometimes tries to do things with them, but mostly just makes himself "available" to them by doing nothing. For so many years I have coached him on parenting for the kids' sake, but I am torn about it now. If he can't even make the effort to figure out how to have a relationship with them, why should I do it for him? But I look at my kids, and I just want them to be happy. I don't care where he gets his ideas from, I just want them to have a dad they can count on. This sucks.

Please if you have advice about this, share it. I have to do this until June when the kids get out of school.

I've seen enough.

D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.

Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't do anything to help him. He has to do that for himself. You will not be there to hold his hand with the kids after you seperate, so why are you trying to do it now? The only one you need to be concerned with now is yourself and the kids. Trying to make him play good Daddy now will only make it harder on them later when you aren't there to tell him how to do it. Back off, do the 180, and let him take care of himself. (((HUGS)))

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8873 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 41153
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. Thank you for saying it.

I guess I just hate giving him that control, and watching what it does to the kids. And what do I say to the kids when they come to me about it? Because they do! I am really trying to be the bigger person here, but when I have a 16-year-old in my room crying out of hurt and disappointment because H is so distant, it makes me want to boot him off the planet.

Just for a little bit longer. Just for a little bit longer.

I've seen enough.

D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.

Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please understand that I only have your best interests at heart....

I've read your story, this man has behaved appallingly for your entire relationship. I lost count of how many times he's let you down and you've covered up/carried on for him. You've definitely gone "above and beyond".

His best contributions are his excuses as to why he behaves this way. Excuses just won't cut it.

He's damaged... for whatever reason, he's damaged. And even then, we all have dramas and issues in life, true character is shown by how you deal with them.

It's not your job to fix him or live a half-life to protect him.

Your kids are teenagers, he's had 16 years to learn to become a half-way decent father, you shouldn't still have to lead him by the hand, and police what he does and what he says.

IMHO, rip off the bandage.... you're delaying the inevitable, prolonging the pain, to me there doesn't seem to be any reason good enough to keep him in the house. Your child crying to you about him should be the wake up call you need to end this, waiting until June will only give more time and opportunity for this to happen again.

Your kids will know what's up, more than you know. You're already in separate rooms, having separate lives.

You know by now that you can't "fix" him, and it's not your job anyway, he needs to do this for himself. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but staying for months more of this treatment will not guarantee a better outcome.

The control is actually all yours. If you feel your marriage is over, (and I'd totally agree with you, you deserve better) then don't prolong the pain for yourself and your kids, first thing in the NY, get thee to a Lawyer, start lining those ducks up and take control.

Living this way ends when you say it does, hugs honey, lots of hugs.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1340 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 4

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