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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: I am his trigger??
♀ 19234
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eight months after Dday 2 and wh is feeling very guilty. Seems to be out of the fog completely. He seems overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt. Last night he said at the office he gets distracted by work. When he comes home in the cSr he starts to feel anxiety again. I realized that me and the kids and what he risked is a trigger for him. How do I handle that? It makes me slightly nervous because I think that makes someone vulnerable to an affair. If someone shows him ligh hearted attention and flirting then that will feel like an escape from guilt? Also I am in a good place now so he is not wking home to an angry bs. If anything I am on the plain of lethal flatness.

Posts: 338 | Registered: Apr 2008
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, you can't do anything much at all about his triggering. It's his problem to deal with, just one of the consequences of cheating.

I think what you can do is limited to 1) bringing it up in MC, 2) urging him to seek IC with a goal of becoming a great partner and resolving his guilt, 3) be 'there' for him while he triggers, and 4) ask him if you can do something to help and doing it if you want to (and not doing it if you don't want to).

Treating him as a responsible adult who can solve his problems is a great thing you can do for him, and it's really the best thing you can do for him, too. JMO, of course.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17029 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recognizing you and your family as a trigger is a good step. Now, he needs to figure out what he is going to do about it? Skan is right~bring it up in MC, go to IC. He can read books about infidelity and what to do in the aftermath, or journal.

As for you, you can express your appreciation for his honesty and the steps he uses to deal with this. However, it is truly it is his issue to deal with.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 3

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