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Newest Member: 321maison

Reconciliation :
I am his trigger??

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 hopeful18 (original poster member #19234) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Eight months after Dday 2 and wh is feeling very guilty. Seems to be out of the fog completely. He seems overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt. Last night he said at the office he gets distracted by work. When he comes home in the cSr he starts to feel anxiety again. I realized that me and the kids and what he risked is a trigger for him. How do I handle that? It makes me slightly nervous because I think that makes someone vulnerable to an affair. If someone shows him ligh hearted attention and flirting then that will feel like an escape from guilt? Also I am in a good place now so he is not wking home to an angry bs. If anything I am on the plain of lethal flatness.

posts: 433   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2008
id 6604330
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Gently, you can't do anything much at all about his triggering. It's his problem to deal with, just one of the consequences of cheating.

I think what you can do is limited to 1) bringing it up in MC, 2) urging him to seek IC with a goal of becoming a great partner and resolving his guilt, 3) be 'there' for him while he triggers, and 4) ask him if you can do something to help and doing it if you want to (and not doing it if you don't want to).

Treating him as a responsible adult who can solve his problems is a great thing you can do for him, and it's really the best thing you can do for him, too. JMO, of course.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31134   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6604446
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meplusfour ( member #38958) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Recognizing you and your family as a trigger is a good step. Now, he needs to figure out what he is going to do about it? Skan is right~bring it up in MC, go to IC. He can read books about infidelity and what to do in the aftermath, or journal.

As for you, you can express your appreciation for his honesty and the steps he uses to deal with this. However, it is truly it is his issue to deal with.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6605001
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