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Divorce/Separation :
I went to a party!

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 Pass (original poster member #38122) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Back when I was diagnosed with depression, I was also told that I have social anxiety. This has caused huge problems for me in the past, and has kept me from getting the socialization that I really needed to help me with my depression.

The Princess always knew that I had this problem (even before we had a name for it). I would try to just stay by her side at parties, because she was a "safe" person for me (there may be some irony there), but she would often end up ditching me (and then giving me shit if I just hung out with one person the whole evening!). Whenever we would bring the kids to a party, I would hang with them - and then I would feel badly about it, because it's not fair for them to be their dad's crutch.

Of course, my other old reliable crutch was many glasses of wine.

Well, I was invited to a party with a bunch of my new musician friends the other night. I felt the usual fear as I was getting ready to go, but made myself go anyway. I brought my mandolin with me. I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!

I had recently read that the best way to meet people at networking events is to approach anyone who is standing alone, or in groups of two people, so this is what I did. I "interviewed" people by asking them about their latest projects, where they're going for their holidays, etc. Whenever the demons in my brain would tell me that this person probably wanted to get away from me, I followed my shrink's advice: I asked myself, "What is the evidence?"

So I looked at the evidence. The person who is chatting me up, with a smile on his/her face, and keeping the conversation going, probably wasn't looking for a chance to get away. I may even be likeable.

And of course, music ended up breaking out at one point. That made things easier as well.

Parties? Pfft. I can do that!

Divorced the cheater and living my best life now.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous.

posts: 3785   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6604341
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BAB61 ( member #41181) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

WooooHoooo wtg! So proud of you for just doing it! (((Pass)))

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

posts: 1271   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2013   ·   location: DE
id 6604346
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Lola2kids ( member #32789) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Love to read these updates from you, Pass.

I can relate to so many of your fears/successes.

Good on you!!

BS: (Me) 48
Kids: twins DD(11)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved an ocean away June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

posts: 1813   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2011   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6604349
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ItHappened2Me2 ( member #32503) posted at 3:53 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Pass - I have been reading your posts for a little while and I must say, it is WONDERFUL to see your recent victories in self-confidence.

I am so sorry that The Princess took so much of you. Of course you are wonderful human being with interesting talents -- why wouldn't others want to talk with you???

Love these positive posts!

BS - me (57 now); WS - him (57 now)
DD 21o, DS 17 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013
DIVORCED!!!! and doing well

posts: 250   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2011   ·   location: Texas
id 6604354
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dmari ( member #37215) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

I'm so happy for you!! This is a HUGE accomplishment!

posts: 2868   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2012
id 6604377
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Lyonesse ( member #32943) posted at 4:11 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Not only did you survive the party, it sounds like you actually had fun!

Me: BS, 40's.

posts: 1956   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2011   ·   location: West Coast
id 6604380
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cantaccept ( member #37451) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

What a great accomplishment, build on every success!

Instruments are such a great equalizer, makes you feel part even when you don't talk.

I am going to my first party on Saturday, terrified. I have not been out on my own since WH returned last January. While he was gone the first time I went out once and it was hell. I don't think I was ready, it was two weeks after dday, I was still a zombie!

Now, he is still in the house until next Thursday but I am trying to keep going, finding the positive. Still scared to go alone but I am going anyway.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

posts: 3505   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Connecticut
id 6604405
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 Pass (original poster member #38122) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Thanks so much, everyone. It seems weird that whenever someone says something nice to me - like y'all just did - it makes me tear up. I've been wanting someone to say nice things for my entire marriage. It seems odd that I'm getting it from strangers instead of the woman I loved.

But I guess I can hardly consider you strangers with the way I've been spilling my guts, eh?

And yes, I definitely had fun: I talked, I played music, I woke up without a hangover.

cantaccept: Good for you! You've got this. I just read your profile, and you're not so fucked up as you may think you are (that's meant as a compliment, even if it may not read as one!). You can enjoy yourself too.

Divorced the cheater and living my best life now.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous.

posts: 3785   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6604453
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suckstobeme ( member #30853) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Pass - look how far you've come - you should be so proud of yourself and looking forward to a new life that doesn't include an anchor of abuse around your neck!!!!

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2011
id 6604472
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 5:10 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!

I love this SO much, pass. Woo hoo!

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6604504
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JessicaFL127 ( member #26864) posted at 5:16 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Nice job, buddy! Good for you.

BW,35
divorced for 10 years
Happily remarried to a much better choice.:D
mom to two awesome boys,14 and 13
And now to a beautiful baby girl, 1 <3

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you

posts: 1286   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2009   ·   location: Missouri
id 6604515
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k94ever ( member #11176) posted at 9:52 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

See....... youze a good person.

Smart tactical move on leaving the banjo at home BTW.

k9

BS:61
WS: 53
Betrayed: 24 years
Affairs: 15 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

posts: 7747   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2006   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 6604839
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 9:54 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Smart tactical move on leaving the banjo at home BTW.

A banjo (like any other instrument) is a joy in the hands of a skilled musician.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6604844
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abbycadabby ( member #27428) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!

That's because musicians are cool!

Keep up the good work.

WHERE'S THE PUDDING?!

posts: 1830   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2010
id 6604882
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NotFixable ( member #41608) posted at 10:45 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

That's great! You are much stronger than you ever thought you were. Way to go!

Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
DD #3 came after the others although it was with whore #1. Took a while to admit to her because she's so fat and disgusting.
So many additional AP came out later that I lost count.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2013
id 6604911
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Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 11:18 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Way to go!

I know how hard socializing is because I have the same issue. X-NPD always ridiculed me for it too.

Good for you!!!

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 6604955
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PurpleRose ( member #33129) posted at 2:55 AM on Friday, December 20th, 2013

Music is your thing pass... Use what you got!

I'm so happy for you-- keep up the good work!

divorced the Dooosh 8/13
*****************************
Dance like nobody is watching,
Text and email like it will be used in court someday...

posts: 3871   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2011   ·   location: Happyville
id 6605190
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PurpleBirch ( member #39170) posted at 4:18 AM on Friday, December 20th, 2013

Good for you :) I think you used a good strategy with those people. However, being somewhat introverted, I see nothing wrong with hanging around one person all night. Just sayin.

I'm glad it worked out well for you. Some of my favourite parties in the past have been where all these talented musicians would just take out whatever instrument and just sing/play. Great idea bringing the mandolin.

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

posts: 277   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2013   ·   location: The frozen North, eh?
id 6605295
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 Pass (original poster member #38122) posted at 6:30 AM on Friday, December 20th, 2013

Thanks y'all. I really am feeling quite proud of myself! This is something that has always been a HUGE battle for me.

And for the record k9, I would be just as proud if I had done this with one of my banjos, instead of my mandolin!

Divorced the cheater and living my best life now.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous.

posts: 3785   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6605379
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