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Unagie posted 12/19/2013 12:24 PM

Why do I freak out everytime someone contacts me that doesn't know yet about me and xSO? Its the holidays I expect to be contacted by people I haven't heard from in awhile but my heart clenches as soon as they ask how I am or what's new. I tell them I'm fine and nothing much. Bland and mundane conversation. I am not confiding to anyone else what he and I have gone through this past year and 3 months as it is no one else's business but I feel like I'm putting on an act. I'm not happy....I don't know how to be happy anymore, it's like that part of me is broken forever. Yes I know pity party, suck it up, you caused a lot of this, own your actions but ffs I am hurting all the time. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, I dont want death I just want peace and joy and when I sleep I don't feel this endless despair.

P.S. I googled the name of the woman he realized he was in love with....she's still beautiful, looks pretty and happy....fuck her...

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:14 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

cinnamongurl posted 12/19/2013 21:51 PM

Please be gentle with yourself! I know its been one hell of a year+ for you. Try not to worry too much about others. You don't owe anyone else an explanation, so you know what? F 'em. Take care of you first, and try not to worry too much about who knows and who will ask. If you don't feel like discussing it, then don't.

I wish I could offer up some sage advice for you right now, but I'm feeling pretty similar myself. Just want you to know you're heard, and you're not alone.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/19/2013 21:55 PM


I experienced being a BS and I watched my H go through being a WS and becoming a FWS... I just can't imagine how conflicting it must be to be a mad-hatter.

SandAway posted 12/20/2013 07:26 AM

It is the Holidays and there is 'Cheer' all around and it is so much harder when we are not feeling joyful ourselves.

I wish I knew the perfect thing to say...

As for the old friends contacting you. I am sure it is nerve wracking when you talk to those who don't know but telling them would create 100 questions and this is something you do not want to deal with now - I get that. Let it go to voice-mail then shoot them an email updating them with all the bland, mundane shit just or call them when your up to talking. Do it on your time.

As far as the x's woman - screw both of them. Your torturing yourself and it does no good. Next time you feel that urge, distract yourself. Take a walk, post here, look at all those xmas cards

Im so sorry your hurting. Do something for your self this weekend - get a manicure/pedicure, buy a pretty scarf, visit a museum. Then come back and tell us!

I know you know all this, but sometimes reinforcement is good.


Unagie posted 12/20/2013 11:11 AM

Thanks guys I'm better...I'm just in the middle of A season and holidays. This time last year I know he was already contacting the women from Craigslist and I was in the middle of a guilt stricken depression. I was about to go see my parents and I almost didn't come back because he was already treating me like trash. I look back and think I could have handled things better at the time but we were both hurting so much. Thanks again, I'll have to fake it for awhile and maybe one day I'll fool myself.

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