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BillyP posted 12/19/2013 13:26 PM

I am an early recovering SA. My behviors/thoughts/ and ways of being haunt me with shame. I live in fear of losing my family and have hung on every bit of attention I get from my spouse. She is very hot and cold. Understandably.

I guess I am looking for any advice from other SA's or their Spouses on how to rebuild. If it can happern.. I am considered a "husband on paper" at times less than a friend. I get that. I am trying to not be triggered as the fear of telling her and not lying was a huge trigger for me. I never even realized it. All I had to do was tell the truth...

I have not acted out once in 5 months. I am seeing 2 trained professionals. I work away from home and feel her disengage when I leave, she always has.

I struggle with the idea that I love my wife, but how could I with what I have done. I was never looking to replace her, I only wanted to get closer to her. I would try and anything that seemed to push me away was a trigger.

If there are any experienced at this stage I could certainly use some advice. Thanks.. Best of the Season..

Lionne posted 12/19/2013 18:41 PM

She is detaching. This may be where she needs to be for now. Is she getting help?

Are you checking in with her when you are away? Can she reasonably confirm that you are where you are supposed to be? And with whom?

After five months she is only beginning to process this reality.

But you say this.

I only wanted to get closer to her. I would try and anything that seemed to push me away was a trigger

That tells me you are REALLY only beginning your recover. Sobriety ISN'T recovery. You are, in this statement, assigning, even in a small way, some blame to her for your acting out.

This is a LONG process. For both of you. "One day at a time" is a off repeated slogan because it's TRUE.

It works when you work it.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:47 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

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